i miss u blog

it's been over a month since i last posted anything here. work got me crazy busy...which is a good thing of course. so many things happened (and not happened) in the past month.

1) i started a new job that pays very well and the work itself doesn't require too much thinking. it gives me a little bit more brain power to divert to other things, like planning my marketing, etc.

2) i passed my last major exam to qualify as a money guy. i got lucky with this one. i barely read the book (only the first 3 chapters) but i passed.

3) i met someone, though far away again...ugh...just my luck. and i thought i would not entertain anyone who lives more than 50 miles away from me. i guess one can't help who u like.

so, that's about it for now. i think i'll write a bit more once i get my schedule down. maybe i'll write little things through my phone so i don't ever forget to put something down, which is my purpose for writing this blog.

a poem i wrote about how deutsche might feel

Will the Coming Days Pass Me By Without Your Love?
by Jake

I've longed for you, all this time
but never did i say a word, figured you'd frown
until a subtle message arrived, after months gone by
from you, a person i've always admired, a person i'd like to love.

what started from a message, turned into conversations
it lasted for hours and continued on for days
your voice, so gentle, so masculine, so true
a soothing and caressing sound that moves.

i saw you from afar, but i knew i won't matter
until i try to come and heal your broken heart
i arrived at your door, realized how true a person you are
wondered when i'll be able to call you mine.

would you think of me and tell me good morning when u wake up?
would your laughter be the same without mine?
will my days be as exciting without the adventures you have in mind?
will the coming days pass me by without your love?

when i left confused, i longed for you ever more
i waited for your return, hoping that your heart tags along
after obstacles threatened your arrival, i welcomed you with open arms
with a leap of faith, i took a risk, professed my love in ways i know best.

wanting, hoping, praying, longing, every minute and every second
seemed like eternity waiting for the words to come
and now you leave me, with nothing more than an empty heart
to go back where you came from and start a new beginning.

would my nights ever be the same without you by my side?
would you long for my warm body next to yours as you retire?
would my house ever become a home, without the sound of you prancing about?
will the coming days pass me by without your love?

flight out of florida - the beginning of the end?

my trip has come to an end. here i am, sitting at the airport in orlando, waiting to board. i got dropped off about 2 hours ago by deutsche who, until the last minute has been attempting to make me agree to be in a relationship. he even quipped about a netflix type deal where we can be on a 2-week trial. i laughed my ass off. at the same time, i got worried -- more for him because he's here by himself with no family for support.

what to do...what to do...i know i can't commit to another long distance relationship after a failed one. the distance will kill me...and i might not be as faithful as i would like to be, especially since i don't love him yet. i think it's better this way. we're not official yet. but the door is still open. i would really like us to be good friends even if we don't end up together.

this florida trip is a mixed bag of feelings...from guilt, to happiness, to sadness. but i'm glad i came out or else i would have committed myself again to someone i don't love...settling for someone instead of being with someone.

the jigsaw puzzle is finally coming together

first the interview, then i passed my series 7 exam...and yesterday...i got the call that i got the job!

the good thing too is that the target start date is not until july 12. meaning, i can still go on my florida trip without feeling guilty about deutsche paying for the cancellation of my ticket. not to mention, i was going to pay him that money anyway someday even though he said not to worry about it. what a big sigh of relief! the last remaining piece of the puzzle is the series 66 exam that i scheduled for july 17 (a saturday! so i don't have to call in sick at the new job after all). if i pass it, then more doors will open for me as far as options.

i'm just really glad i didn't have to take my remaining savings out of my annuity...otherwise, i'll pay more taxes again and my commission for that sale will be reversed.

tue june 29 workout

swimming

120 total laps

200m free warm up
4x4x100 (1600 total) free, breast, back, fly
400m free swim
14x50 free sprint
4x25 free sprint no breathing

weights

shoulders

3 super sets behind the neck -- 45/40/35 lbs 6/8/10 reps side deltoid raise 17.5 lbs 10 reps
3 super sets overhead press -- 45/40/35 lbs 6/8/10 reps front deltoid raise 17.5 lbs 10 reps
3 sets shoulder shrug -- 45 lbs 10 reps

arms

triceps

3 sets rope pulldown 90/85/80 lbs 6/8/8 reps

biceps

3 sets bicep raise 80/75/70 6/8/10 reps

fri june 25 workout

swimming

120 total laps

4 500x200 alternate, free/choice
4x50 sprints, free

weights

chest/back (machines)

4 sets each, 2 workouts per body part

new technique - heaviest weight that i can do for 6 repetitions going to lightest weight increasing repetitions

tue june 22 workout

swimming

120 total laps

400m free warm up
6x200 choice/free alternate swim
8x100 4x100 free 4x100 choice
12x50 sprints

weights

biceps/triceps

3 mega sets, 2 tri/1 bi
3 sets tri pulldown
3 sets bi machine

shoulders

2 super sets behind the neck/side pull up
2 super sets overhead/front pull up

things are looking good so far

i had my interview yesterday at my friend's company. i believe it went pretty well. i did well on the 3 skills assessment tests that they had me perform on excel, typing and 10-key. on the face-to-face interview, the interviewer was more keen on looking for something more than a resume. she wants to make sure that whoever she hires will be able to adapt to the team as her team already has a good working relationship. so i hope i was able to convey good vibes to her as well.

on the other hand, i took my series 7 exam today and i passed with flying colors! the passing grade is 70% but i got 84%. not that it was easy. it was a very tough exam. not to mention it was so early in the morning too when i've gotten used to sleeping in. i'm just glad that all that studying that i did finally paid off. now i have one more exam to go.

seems like my options are ever expanding. with new opportunities showing themselves everyday, i'm happy that i can choose among a variety of paths to take. no more make or break for me at this time. merely passing these exams opens a whole new world for me with regards to job opportunities if my self-employment stint doesn't work out.

fun weekend with my girls

had a nice time at a straight club with my girls, considering that it is a straight club and it was the first time i hung out with some of them. it's funny how some of them thought i was straight and was hitting on me in the beginning...and even after they found out i was gay. i even invited deutsche's sister and she had tons of fun as well. she kept asking if i like her brother. i told her that i do like deutsche, but he needs to be extra patient with me as i'm still trying to fix my life first before i commit to anything. i don't want to be a burden to someone.

i'm looking forward to hanging out with the whole gang again, plus maybe a few more invitees. i want another drama-free fun!

on a different note

school...my 1st state exam is on tuesday. i think i'm ready. i've been getting high scores but still need a little bit more practice before the big day.

work...i had a phone interview last thursday from my friend's company. she's trying to get me in there even as a temp for a year. they scheduled a face-to-face interview on monday as well as a skills assessment test on excel and typing. i do hope i get this job. this will free up one of the thorns in my head at the moment.

vacation...if i do get the job, i will, unfortunately, cancel my florida vacation with deutsche. i feel really bad if i do have to cancel because he will have to pay $150 to redeposit his miles back into his account. to think that he was letting me use his miles in the first place makes it even worse. he says he understands, but i hope he really does. i mean well when i declined to move to florida even though i know he will support me. moving to florida is my final option, if things don't work out (say, if i fail my exams). if i move, i'll have to give up everything -- my credit will be ruined because i'm planning on just going to school and my family and friends support system. also, i don't think i can live taking money and support from someone i don't love yet. i'm not a gold digger and even though it might feel good to be taken care of, it's not me. lunch or dinner treats etc is okay but that's really as far as it would go. taking money is different. i don't want to owe anyone anything and i don't want to feel that someone owns me.

overall...things are still looking up. i guess at this point, there is no way for me but up. :)

friday june 18 workout

swimming

120 total laps

400m free warm up
6x200 choice/free alternate swim
8x100 4x100 free 4x100 choice
12x50 sprints

final closure

mr D did delete and block me from his gay facebook account that's y i can't see him on my list and i can't see his posts even with our common friends. i think it's better that way so i don't have to keep looking every now and then to see what he's up to coz that just hurts me more. as to his straight fb account, this time, i deleted and blocked him. at this point, i don't wanna have anything to do with him. i have to pretend he doesn't exist so i can focus on my more pressing issues right now. only by doing this will i be able to move on completely with my life and start my healing process.

hmm...weird or instant effect?

i sneaked a peak into mr D's fb profile just to see what's going on. i realized that he's been adding back all his old friends into his gay account and that he's more active now commenting on his friend's walls and his own postings. one thing that struck me almost immediately was what he said before about his online accounts and why he doesn't comment on my stuff. he told me that what we have is way more important than online. i bought it at the time. but now, honestly, i don't buy it. and i hate myself for getting suckered into believing that. how can someone not care about his social networking when he has a myspace, 2 facebook accounts, a twitter and a formspring?

so i posted something that only he can see on either one of his 2 facebook accounts. i said, "if i can turn back the clock, i wish that i never even met the one who thought will never let me go...his words are shot, my heart is broken and my life seems meaningless. i will love again someday. but for now, i have to believe that "it's better to have loved and lost, than not love at all." then i posted this song, "why do we always hurt the ones we love?"

i laid down for a bit...still had some lingering thoughts in my head...then decided to check just to see if he would comment (i doubt that he will coz he might think other people are looking into it). all of a sudden, my posting is gone! hmm...it was so weird how it would just disappear like that. now i think he deleted his profile for now (with facebook anyway, u can revive your profile and retain everything u had prior to deleting it). i looked at our common friends and his gay account is gone from our mutual friend list. so either he did that or facebook is having problems. we'll see tomorrow. if he did delete it, then my suspicion is right. he switched his mobile facebook to the gay account so he knows every single thing that goes on in the gay account and comment faster...either to spite me or whatever. wow...how much meaner can he get to me?

wed june 16 workout

3 hours of volleyball yesterday.

planning to workout tomorrow after watching my friends' game. i have to do my shoulders, legs and abs. maybe attend a class if there is one tomorrow...or should i say tonight.

tue june 15 workout

swimming

120 total laps

400 free warm up
4x200 SKiPS IM
4x200 swim, free/choice alternate
6x100 swim, free/choice alternate
8x50 sprints, free/choice alternate

weights

chest/back

3 exercises, 2 sets each

NB Ridaz - Lost In Love

listening to this song just makes me want to fall in love all over again, no matter how much hurt i've been through.

i feel like screaming today...

update

re: florida bound in june, june 11, 2010 post

deutsche's miles from delta can be used in july because it will be more expensive to use it in june. so...im going to florida july 3-10 instead.

when i pass my june 22 exam, i'll immediately schedule my other exam either before or after my florida vacation. i have to ask my manager how long the process will take once i pass both exams before i can get activated to start setting up my events and selling.

geting my body back

i wrote about "my gym-lemma" on february 17th. this is my update to that. (wow, it only took me so many months to figure this out. not a good way of doing things.)

i think i'm better off sticking to 24hr fitness for now until i have a job to pay for both memberships. the main advantage to 24hr fitness is that i can use the pool and their group classes. the main advantage to Fitness 19 is the distance to my house. with a shorter distance, i can go more often and save time driving around. plus it is a local gym so i can probably meet some local people to work out with or just chill.

i restarted my gym routine 2 days ago. i kicked it off with 2 hours of volleyball followed by 80 grueling laps of swimming in about an hour and a half. i was a little rusty swimming but yesterday when i did another 80 laps, i did it in about an hour, which is a very big improvement. i'd like to be able to swim about 120-160 laps every time i go -- that's about 3000m-4000m every time. i used to swim about 6000m everyday for about 2 years when i was training at this one swimming club back in the day.

to summarize...

day 1

2 hours of volleyball
80 laps of swimming

day 2

80 laps of swimming
weights lifting, focus on arms

hopefully, i can keep my gym routine to about 3 days a week at 24hr fitness doing swimming and lifting weights. the other 2-3 days, i can either walk around my neighborhood with my dog or run around my village (2 miles) or even run around 2 villages (for a total of 6 miles). aside from the gym routine, i'm also trying to get rid of white rice and other empty carbs. i bought brown rice the other day so i'm going to try to switch to brown rice from now on. if i have to eat empty carbs, it has to be before 6pm so my body will have time to burn through it.

No Walls, No Ceilings, No Floors (Orsa Lia)

this is deutsche's song for me...perfect words for the situation we are in...

florida bound in june

deutsche wants me to come to florida before he comes in july. i think he may be falling for me already...which is again, very dangerous because of my previous experiences with people falling for me so fast, then falling out of love even faster...leaving me alone again.

i think i'll do it the right way this time. being careful not to let myself completely go but at the same time showing respect for deutsche's feelings. i think i can fall for deutsche if he does the right things too. when i look at him, i can see myself being with him. he's not ugly, he's actually quite charming, very nice and loving (as i saw how he was with his family) and he's very generous. the generous thing i really couldn't care much for. sometimes it's even awkward for me to let someone pay all the time. but he knows my situation so i guess it's okay. but i told him i can't live like that. i need my own thing...my own career, my own money...just in case it doesn't work out again, i won't be left standing out in the cold with no money in my pocket and no job to call my own.

so...june 22...my first exam date for my series 7 state license...is my make or break point. if i pass it, i'll end up staying in cali. i'll need to pass one more exam, the series 66, in order to get hired at the financial planning company i'm thinking about joining. i'm also in the process of looking for a job in the meantime...and if i do get hired, i'll be part time first at the financial planning company while building my book of business. that way, when i start going full time, i can go with a bang! but if i can't get a job by then, i'll have to stick it out full time and make it work for me. deutsche may have to be extra patient with me because i'll have to stay in cali to finish what i started. i'll be in control of my time but i'll have to use it wisely. he can come visit here and i'll make time for him though. that's easier for me to do rather than pack up and go on a vacation to see him out in florida.

so we'll see what happens. in the meantime, i have to study really really hard to pass my series 7 exam. i can't be lazy. i have to make sure that i put in 100% effort into it. otherwise, it's going to be entirely my fault if things don't go as well.

goodbye for now

had to say goodbye to deutsche for now...will see him again some time in july when he comes for his birthday.

what i like about deutsche

first thing i noticed about him is that he looked exactly like his pictures. and that's always a good thing. i don't look like my pictures a lot of times. at first sight, he seems like a nice sweet guy. of course, i have to go way beyond first looks based on my previous experiences. so i've been observing him the past couple of days that we've been together. and i like what i see so far. *insert happy face here*

main pros...he's good looking, charming, sweet, honest (so far). he likes me, that i can tell. and it's more than words this time. his actions speak the loudest. he came here a month ahead of his scheduled july visit just to see me. 3000 miles away! it's the first time someone has done that for me. he has introduced me to his entire bay area family, and they like me so far as well. actually, he said they like me too much that they keep asking for me. he also knows how tight i am with money that he's been the only one spending money when we hang out. it's really not something that i'm very comfortable with because i'm not used to being treated all the time. but at the same time, i think he will feel rejected if i opt not to hang out only because i can't afford it. i guess he knows my situation enough so if he is willing to fill the gap for now, i have to just let him do it. hopefully my situation changes after i pass my state exams on the 22nd of this month and the next one after that.

main cons...or should i say, the only con, so far...i don't feel anything yet. i hope in time i will because he is someone i can fall for. i guess i am a broken man right now and i feel bad that he is inheriting me as such. the pro side of this con argument though is that i see hope. when we were driving back from monterey, i was looking at his hands on my leg as he was sleeping in the passenger side. and as i was driving with one hand, i was caressing his fingers. given enough time, there is potential that i can fall for him.

he leaves on wed but he will come back in july. he offered to fly me out to florida but i told him i can't stay too long if i go, maybe a week max. i hate the fact that my life is on hold right now and my decisions are dependent on the outcomes of my commitments here. i'm not sure if i would want to go at the expense of him not coming here to see his family. i dont want them to see me as their replacement for deutsche's attention. i would like to be a complement or an addition to his affection. that will keep his family from hating me coming into his life.

i want this to work. i'm trying to be as careful as i possibly can to make sure we do the right things. i don't want to rush anymore. rushing right now will hurt both of us, as i feel like i still have some leftover baggage...or garbage as deutsche calls it. if we can hold out for as long as we could with the only arrangement available for us (which is long distance), there is a great chance we can start our relationship on strong footing.

breakdown of events

june 3rd...touchdown at the airport. deutsche got picked up by his brother. i was hanging out with friends after watching the volleyball game.

june 4th...picked up deutsche at his brother's house and went for coffee first, then late lunch, then saw prince of persia and letters to juliet. after that, went to his sister's house and had dinner there and chit chats. stayed the night there too, it's our first night sleeping together.

june 5th...helped a friend of mine move during the day and hung out for a bit in the afternoon. went home then went to deutsche's other sister's house for another bbq. stayed for a bit then i took him home with me. just hung out at my house and slept for a looong time.

june 6th...had a huge breakfast at a local grill and dropped him off at his brother's. went home to see my mom for a bit. then my friend and i went to his brother's to pick up and go to santana row in san jose. his sister insisted we stay though so we did. just drank all night and chit chatted with everyone. interesting night, it turned out to be. took deutsche with me again to my house.

june 7th...got up around 8:30...got ready...then headed out for breakfast. then we drove to monterey just to walk around a bit. had lunch at a really nice restaurant overlooking the bay. didn't do much there. headed back up to san jose and chilled with some other friends at santana row and valley fair mall. dropped him off at his sister's house and i went home. i needed to rest and study tomorrow.

june 8th...the plan is simple tomorrow. i study during the day, then go to my training. he hangs out with his mom and his family. then i'll hang out with him and his family at night. he leaves the next day at 6am.

June 3, 2010 10:20pm touchdown

And deutsche arrives

HQ: "Miss You Like Crazy" by Eric Santos

just finished watching a romance movie with the same title as this song...cried a bit in the end. it's not the usual ending.

options, options

this has not been a very good year so far. my decision-making process has been very rash. if i analyze what's happened so far this year, hopefully it can help me get clarity on my future decisions from this point on.

dilemma #1.

• income situation as of the beginning of january
  

actionable solutions.

• interviewed with a mutual fund company
• interviewed with several banks

outcome.

• hold off on holding actual jobs
  

reason.

• possible big business venture, where clients from the venture can become clients of the mutual fund company
• mr D and the vegas move possibility
  

outcome of business venture.

• a flop, even possible scam

cost.

• 2 1/2 months worth of possible salary i could have made
• 2 1/2 months worth of study time i could have allocated
• my friend's expenses for marketing materials that were never used
  

my number one concern at the beginning of the year is having another source of income...in the form of a job, an independent contractor stint or a business venture. i went for an interview with a financial planning company some time in december-january. went 3 times to meet with the district manager and after the third meeting, i decided to hold off for a bit on doing it only because a friend had a business proposal that sounded promising. needless to say, i told my friend that i won't be looking for a job until we produce some sale out of our venture. the deal was, he would pay for all the marketing materials and i would take care of all the sales activities. however, i was a little skittish about the company we were dealing with. i did extensive research on the subject and found many inconsistencies. so we decided to wait for more proof of closed transactions before we even start marketing the program. i wanted to wait because my name and reputation is on the line. after about 2 months (some time in march), i decided to begin the process of joining the financial planning company since the venture was taking a longer time. went through all the background checks and passed with flying colors. around april, i enrolled in the classes and started the licensing process. good thing i did. the company we were going to deal with got shut down by the state. so the whole business venture is a possible scam.

new solution.

• started the hiring and licensing process mid-march

roadblocks.

• background check, cleared
• money owed to previous companies, paid

outcome.

• ordered all materials mid-april

i can't believe that hiring process took almost a month! that's one reason why i should've started in january if i knew it was going to take that long anyway. aaaarrrghhh!

follow up action

• begin studying, mid-april

roadblocks

• mr D
• friends
• house work
• need income in the mean time

outcome

• wasted 2 weeks in vegas, cutting study time
• getting more worried about the income situation
• 6 weeks passed and i think i need one more week to prepare for the exam

looking at this one, my supposed "fast-track" did not happen as fast as i could. i let mr D get the best of me. i was sort of depressed all the time, too depressed to study sometimes. now, i'm more focused on the end goal. i need to explore all options now.

option #1

• stay where i'm at

pros

• no rent
• only contribute $300 to cover groceries and incidental expenses
• emotional support from family

cons

• nothing

option #1a (in conjunction with option #1)

• find a job that pays at least $12 per hour and work part time at the mutual fund company to start building the business
  

pros

• will have sufficient income to pay all bills
• less emotional stress about running out of savings funds

cons

• might get stuck with the job
• might get burned out

option #1b (still in conjunction with option #1)

• finish the licensing exams asap

pros

• can get hired immediately, making $2000 a month with full benefits
• can focus more on getting business

cons

• still have a lot to learn
• still needs to build a pipeline of prospects to see

option #2

• go to nursing school in florida

pros

• fewer distractions from friends
• can finish on time, or earlier
• deutsche can help in providing guidance
  

cons

• far away from family and friends
• what will happen to my bills?

option #2a (in conjunction with option #2)

• apply for a job in florida first, get hired, then go to school at the same time

pros

• killing 2 birds with one stone, getting an education while paying the bills
• nursing can be my fall back when everything else fails

cons

• might get burned out

hmm...lots of options to choose from. i'll keep this updated and write what happened to those places i've applied at in california and florida. tomorrow i'll apply for jobs in florida.

june bug?

it's june 1st...almost half a year is gone and what have i accomplished? i'm at the point where i have to make a decision as to how i could move forward. i will try my very best to stay positive while weighing the pros and cons of my decisions. being objective is a good way for me to look back into this and see which direction i took.

Oh Happy Day

i like the words to this song.

i feel like a loser

i think that's why i feel even more sad today. i feel like i trusted someone and turned a blind eye on the signs that he may just not be that into me. and even though he was in the beginning, that's an even bigger sign...since i've dated people before that are so infatuated with me or the idea of being with me but once they have me, and see a flaw, they drop me. i think sometimes people have this weird idea of me being perfect, which i'm totally not. and when they see that i'm not, the effect is almost instant...and i can sense it. i'm just dumb enough to fall for it over and over again...it's my life trap.

if it wasn't for deutsche, i'd be really stuck in my own demise. i'm looking forward to seeing him next week. i hope we click as friends so we can build a strong foundation.

sad day

not a very good day today. i'm only on my first exam for the day. been thinking about mr D a lot today.

*update* 6pm same day

just found out (from twitter) that mr D restarted his formspring...and it's retroactive, just like facebook. so i guess he deactivated it but didn't tell me it could be reactivated. so much for trusting him that he doesn't care about online social networks when he updates his status on his 2 facebook accounts and twitter at the same time, has a myspace and now a reactivated formspring. i am so hurt right now and it couldn't have come at a better time than today -- i deleted him from twitter and removed him as a follower.

i actually shed a tear while listening to heather hedley's song i wish i wasn't.

note to self: DO NOT DATE SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS ATTENTION FROM PEOPLE HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW OR HAVEN'T EVEN MET

my other option

One extreme option that i'm considering is going back to school.

First step, i applied for FAFSA, which is the free application for student aid last monday. Voila! I got approved! Next steps...i gotta figure out some more stuff.

Be back for some more info.

partly my fault (last post about mr D, hopefully)

looking back at my past postings on here...i guess this whole thing that happened to me is partly my fault...unfortunately. mr D, in the past, has always been wishy washy. i ignored the signs. his personality was already showing then, but i turned a blind eye, maybe hoping it will get better. maybe because he misled me too that he might change? i dunno...maybe.

for reasons i really won't know anymore...i dunno why he would still want to hold on after i broke up with him. he said he didn't want it to end. i asked him to prove it to me but he doesn't even know where to start. so it is for my best benefit that i completely let him go because if i were in his shoes and someone is already throwing himself at my feet, i would try to do whatever it takes to keep that person from leaving me again...if i love that person.

i guess he says he loves me, but he really doesn't.

did i love him? absolutely. but if i'm not gonna be loved in return, there is no point staying in that relationship. i can be a martyr for some other purposes...but not when it comes to an intimate relationship. it has to be a two-way thing....no matter what happens.

p.s. in reference to my previous post on "a better day"...i SHOULD NOT contact him to apologize. i think i've done that enough. there...i got it down in writing. if i do otherwise...if anyone's reading this, please slap me. thank u. lol.

a better day

Today is a better day. I don't feel as bad as yesterday. I guess i really need to be strong and hold off on contacting mr D...whether it's to apologize or to let him know we should just be friends. It's healthier this way so i can try to focus on the more important stuff...mainly, my job and the direction i want to take with my life.

On a different note, deutsche agreed to fly here from orlando on june 3rd. He already booked his flight. Something new and something exciting to look forward to.

arrrrghh

how long does it take to wean urself off of someone?

i effin hate myself

i just do...right now at least.

putting my love life aside

i think i have to put my love life aside for a while so i can concentrate on other parts of my life. lately, my decisions are mainly driven by my desire to be with someone. i have to get back to my old self where even though i'm alone, i was okay. i should feel complete as one person...but if i find someone, that person will complement my life and be a nice little cherry on top of the jake ice cream. it felt good to be in love for a little while, but i kinda realize the dangers of letting go of oneself completely. i guess i wasn't prepared for that.

i do need to get my mind off things. jello, that guy i wrote about who said he's missed me all this time, actually volunteered to take me away somewhere. not sure yet where we could go, but maybe somewhere local. we'll see how it goes.

the final convos

me: u just made me realize that i can't keep investing any more feelings on someone who's very uninterested in my life. i've been very sad lately and i don't see u trying any harder at making me feel less sad. i want to move on with whatever pride i have left. i gave up my body, my heart, my soul, my all. but u don't seem to value any of that.

mr D: i love u jake...but it amazes me that u say that i dont care.. i know that i have to work on a lot.. but regardless on what i do it's never enough coz u always seem to remind me that my trying is not enough. u expect a lot more out of me...and i guess it's because i don't show enough emotion or responsiveness but that's partly coz im not good at it (anymore)...i lost that these past couple of years...but that's not an excuse...and im sorry...i think that i cause u more sadness than happiness and that saddens me...because honestly that's the last thing i want to do.

me: its not an excuse that u dont know how, coz u do know how. u have been doing it before i went to vegas. how rayray is now is how we were before. something changed and u dont wanna admit it. u say one thing, but u act another way. u say u love me, but u say u dont know what u can do to show me when all u needed to do was get me a plastic ring when i was there as a symbol of that love and "engagement". u say u miss me but u haven't even talked to me abt when we're gonna meet again. u think a long distance relationship is a simple, no expectations thing...but no expectations don't mean ur not gonna do anything either. i've given up so much time for u, talking and stuff for hours while ur at work but on ur days off u can't even fit me in a 5 min phone call, but rather just text. u told me on text that i better tell everyone im yours, coz u r telling everyone, but when i "professed" my love for u on ur fb page, u didn't even acknowledge it. u think ur interested in my life, but u didn't even listen to the songs i posted on my page that was meant for u, for us. u say u sacrifice a lot, but u would spend 6 hours and sacrifice sleep making a friend something special for his bday...how i wished u couldve helped me with setting up my event like u said u would even for maybe an hour or less. this guy i dated over 2 years ago msgd me that he has missed me all this time, i only wished i have that effect on u just like before i came to vegas. so many opportunities for u to show me u love me and miss me, but im tired of waiting for it to come...u haven't even wondered why i never left clothes at ur place even though i mentioned i would. *sigh* i hoped for so long that when i talk to u, it would be like before, that u would get excited and happy i called instead of being an emotionless person u r now...but i can only hope...

closure

i was gonna give it a week...and stay true to my word. but tonight is the last straw...and im not gonna waste any more time. i'll consider tonight my closure of this very sad chapter of my life.

i gave my body, my heart, my soul, my all. but it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. :((

Heather Headley - I Wish I Wasn't

lately, i feel like singing my heart out to this song...

my life may not be as interesting

one way that mr D could show that he's into me is to show some interest in my life. how? umm...hello...facebook?

i don't buy the excuse that he's not into facebook and other social networks when he updates his status on all 3 sites at the same time. so when i comment on his facebook and don't get a response, especially when the comment was directed at him, i feel like i'm being ignored. am i wrong to feel that way? i don't think there's a right or wrong answer to that question. it's just how i feel, so what? so if he's into me, he should try to not make me feel that way. that's my take on it.

he got home around 1am last night. before he even called, he was asking how late i'm staying up coz he needed to do something for his friends. what am i? second rate again? i would've appreciated it more if he called me for even less than 5 minutes, be real, be genuine that he wanted to spend that 5 minutes with ME, and tell me after that he'll have to hang up so he can finish what he needs to do. then i'd be okay. i won't feel ignored becoz he thought about me first. but he called me almost at the time i said i was gonna try to sleep, but he wasn't just talking to me. he was talking to me, talking to a friend and doing his friend's thing. that's not the type of attention that i want. i don't want to listen to him breathe as he's doing his stuff. i want to talk, even for 5 minutes...about us, about the future, about something.

he didn't sleep til 7am this morning, even though he has a meeting at 1pm today. why? he stayed up that long to finish that invitation he needed to do for his friend. i wish he would spend time like that to do something special for me. then maybe, i'll know for sure that he is into me and i can get back with him.

i'll see how he is with me on his days off this week. last week, he called on thu evening but it was so hard to talk to him. i told him we'll talk later since he's off. but he didn't allot any time for us to talk that friday and/or saturday. what i want to see this week, on his days off, is if he would try to call me some time -- during the day, afternoon or evening. that's one gauge for me that he can balance his time with his friends and his time with me whatever day of the week it is.

damn it...i so love this guy that i'm giving him all these chances even though i haven't gotten much from him. *sigh* if only he can read my blog...

when will life ever be so simple?

as mr D is placed under observation...another person comes along...we'll call him deutsche.

as i was mulling my future with mr D roughly 2 days after my vegas trip, a friend who i just happened to call asked me how my trip went. when he sensed that the trip didn't go as well as i'd hoped for, he asked me to just say hi to a friend of his that he met some time last year. this friend of his lives out of state (ugh, again) but comes here often to visit his family. and this guy liked me from the time he saw my pics on my friend's social network page.

and so i did say hi...messaged him on facebook that my friend asked me to say hi. he messaged back. we went back and forth a few times. that evening, we're already talking on the phone. he is open to finding someone for a relationship but at the same time, very careful not to rush things. i did tell him about mr D. it's nice to be open in that respect so no one gets hurt. and until i finalize things with mr D, i won't be entertaining any new boys for a relationship...but im open to having new friends with no other expectations but being friends.

i like him so far. and he's even volunteering to help me out if i decide to switch careers (which i'll discuss in another blog post). he's very responsive...but not predictable either, which is good. i wanna see how things go with mr D but stay friends with deutsche for as long as possible. that way, if anything comes up after the friendship, it will be well worth the wait.

when is over over?

he called last night. i don't know if he read my message already or not, but it seems he has no clue. he was a little tipsy or buzzed, i can tell. he had friends over and they barely left his house after dinner.

we talked for quite some time (only because his dogs kept crying and being crazy and he had to keep them quiet). i was very calm in explaining my side. i kept asking him what he wants to do but we kept going around. he said he wants me, but should i just give myself back to him just like that? i think i want to see something different. i want to see him make some effort on his part to try to get me back without me having to tell him how to do it. i want him to be honest with himself and to me...that all his actions are genuine. i'm not sure either what he's gonna do or how he's gonna do it. but i'll see how it goes from here.

Rob Thomas - "Someday"

an apology made out of love

even though our relationship has ended, i would hate for us to be mad at each other forever. i'm not mad anymore. i'm more disappointed that it didn't turn out the way i hoped it would. it's not the right time for me i guess, and maybe he's not the right person.

"mr D,

i just want to apologize for everything...i would hate to end us on a bad note.

i admit that my biggest mistake is having even the tiniest expectations. i realize it now and it's what you've been telling me all along but i'm just too stubborn, hard-headed and proud to admit it.

i still love u with all my heart, and that will never change. maybe this time is just not our time. i hope that someday when we see each other, we'll be okay. i don't want there to be any awkwardness on either of us.

i wish both of us the best of luck in whatever we do from this point forward. God Bless you and i love you.

jake"

it breaks my heart to say i love you to mr D because i know that i do mean it. i really, really want him back but if we are not getting along, i don't want to force it either. if he tries to come back to me, i'm still at a crossroads of what i'm gonna do when that time comes. can i promise to really not have any expectations at all? if i can't answer that question now, it's probably best to leave it the way it is now...for both of our sakes.

*listening to "Someday" by Rob Thomas

how i wish people who i like feel like this

this is an email i got today from jello, a guy i dated some time in 2008...

"That's sucks jake i'm sorry to hear that..But you know what you were always smart. i can see you being a financial planner. A long distance for me is not going to workout... I am dating a guy but since i am leaving to Sacramento as soon as i sell my house, what's the point. He really likes me he is cute but I am not going to be driving from Sacramento to San Francisco to see some guy all the time... He says oh we can see each other on the weekends i'm like that is no relationship so i told him we can always be friends.... As for me i'm sick of my job my partner got his head beat to the concrete it could have been me i'm tired of it... So i bought a really nice house in sacramento. I paid cash for it and it will be nice not to have a house payment. i want to go travel for a long time and i want to go visit your country maybe i could bring one boi back since you don't like me anymore... lol U know with regards to me and you I pushed too hard trying to get with you, I should have been more patient with you. But i couldn't help it I think you are so hot...Sorry Anyways this is going to be my job... I am going to get my real estate license, and I am going to buy as many houses off the court house steps under market value. And pay cash with them from the money i made off my san francisco house.Then fix them up hire some mexicans at home depot and flip it i know i can make more money and make my own schedule doing this...And i will feel lilke i'm getting something done...Hey if you want to talk give me a call sometime I have always missed u"

i just want a simple life and spend with someone special who likes me for me and appreciates what i do for him. i hope it's not too much to ask for...

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart- Bee Gees- Live 1998

back and forth no longer

as of 6:03am, may 13, 3 days after coming from vegas, mr D and i are no longer. 'nuff said.

*listening to..."How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"

i wonder if there is something wrong with me...

...and that's sad if there is. coz all this time, i think there's something wrong with these guys im dating.

with this book that my friend let me borrow, Get Anyone To Do Anything, it provides very useful insight into the human psyche. im going back to my past posts to see what i've done and what i'm thinking at that time. it just proves that because i so love mr D, i've always been there for him. he, on the other hand, may not be in love with me (even though he says he is) so the mere fact that im always here makes him take me for granted. i also get more scared that i might lose him so i make myself even more available. which now, i can tell, has the opposite effect.

so what now? i really...as in REALLY...have to suck it up and not be there all the time for him. i need distractions. i need a real job. this school thing that im doing is not enough to keep me occupied. im still home and my computer and phone are so accessible that i always tend to log in and look for him and his online accounts.

let me see if i can list the possible things that i can do in addition to studying for my upcoming state exam.

1. look and apply for local jobs
2. sign up at the local gym so i can go whenever without having to drive so far
3. join several meetup groups in my area
4. volunteer in my neighborhood
5. run/walk around my neighborhood
6. setup get together parties with friends
7. plan for my future business activities
8. stop logging in to facebook, twitter and yahoo to see if he's on...and unsubscribe to his posts
   

is that enough distractions? i hope so.

at this point that i think i may have already lost mr D's interest in me, it may be a good thing to try being inaccessible. but when i do become accessible or available, i should make him feel that i still do like him. another tip that the book mentioned is to not tell your significant other that "you can't live without them" or that "they're your world" because that gives them all the power. instead, use objective terms like, "you are a very likable person" or "you are someone that people could love very easily". by using objective terms, it's a win-win situation because you feel good about telling him that he is likable and handsome and what not and he feels good about himself as well.

*sigh* i really hope this works. if it does, the book mentioned that once the other person gets to your level, the more you do for him and the more you become available, the more he'll fall in love with you. i have a very good feeling that the book is right about this...at least based on my experience. when i give someone a "chance" and make myself available only when it's convenient for me, that's when they hound me more. so...i'll drink to this effort! and i'll update myself in a week or so to see if anything's changed.

has love come and gone?

it's my 12th day in las vegas...my last day with my "boyfriend". most of my stuff has been packed or getting ready to be packed in my 2 suitcases and backpack. the whole time i was packing though, my "boyfriend" would rather spend the last remaining hours of my stay watching tv with friends that he will still see...almost everyday if he wanted to.

i hope i won't feel like i've just wasted my time flying here, spending all my miles, spending all my time and energy and pouring love to someone who clearly may have fallen out of love already. or maybe he was not in love at all? infatuation? maybe. such a dangerous thing to confuse with love. every stakeholder gets affected.

*sigh* i wonder if i really am just over thinking everything. i wonder what i should do when i come back home. should i even make an effort anymore or wait for him to come to me? maybe the latter. but whenever he does, i'll make sure that he feels i still love him. this will be my last ditch attempt to rescue a relationship that i have thought all this time was really there.

honesty...is such a lonely word...

...everyone is so untrue.

when i was trying to break into the investment/insurance side of the financial business, i kept being told by my friend how easy it is to do his job, to meet the goals and to sell the products. i found out the hard way that it's really not as easy as it looks. even though i was sort of prepared for the worst if i didn't make any money for a year, i just wished that he and the manager that hired me would have been completely honest about the pitfalls of the job.

there are 2 main things that caused my problems today.

#1) they both convinced me to sign up full time almost immediately after i met my minimum goal. my fault was that i didn't do a more extensive research about the position. what they missed telling me was that to get the allowance the company promised, i need to sell immediately.

the main problem here is that to sell immediately is not an easy task. i have to spend so much time, energy and money to build a pipeline of prospective clients to see. i had to quit after 4 months of doing it because the money i saved was meant to last my bills for a year. with the money i spend on marketing, i will burn through that money in 8 months or less.

#2) the biggest and most important information that they withheld was about the tax situation. i wish one of them would have been honest enough to encourage me to check a tax professional and find out how being self-employed will affect my tax situation.

this one i just found out literally a few hours before writing this blog. my expertise is on financial services and not tax situations, even though i've prepared my family's taxes over the years using a tax software. that said, i have no clue how certain actions that i take affect my taxes. the 2009 tax year is the most confusing for me so far. i was an employee for about 4 months of the year and a self-employed individual for 5 months. i kept all my receipts knowing i might need it to itemize deductions. little did i know that i can only take either a standard deduction or itemized deduction. and since my business expenses are lower than the standard deduction, i'll have to take the latter. so when i was looking at my tax bill to see if it was gonna make a difference and it didn't flinch, i almost cried. i almost cried because i was both mad and sad. mad for being in a situation that is not 100% my doing, sad because i was dumb enough not to do enough to prevent it. i was also mad coz i spent so many days this week trying to gather my paperwork and organize my expenses on a spreadsheet.

however, whatever happened has happened. all i can do now is just focus on my future action plan. this experience will just add to my arsenal of stories to share to my future clients and be a better financial advisor.

love is in the air

finally! i met mr D. he was everything i hoped for. and he felt the same way.

i thought at first, he was going to be cold with me. i've been asking him where they would be and his answer was so vague. and he suggested too that in case they're too drunk, meet them at the club so they can hand us the keys, we change and we follow them. that seems a little weird if they would do that to us after driving for over 8 hours. but i figured, i can't stop them from having fun just because we're late.

he said he was so nervous and jumpy before i got there. i thought he was really trying to play it cool coz he didn't think that i still want him. i pretty much followed through on his text message. since i still really like him deep inside, when i gave him a hug to say hello, i kissed him on the neck. he didn't even realize it. we decided to go to the club anyway even though some other friends wanted to rest. while waiting for my other friend to come down, i asked mr D to come closer and i gave him a giant hug. only then that he knew nothing's changed between us. and he's been all over me at the bar.

i've met a lot of his friends and i can see how he loves his friends and how they love him. i realized that he is definitely a very nice guy for all these people to feel like that towards him. he seems very selfless, always thinking about others. hell...he was like our cab driver driving us all over town even though he's so tired.

i'm glad i decided to join my friends in vegas anyway after the whole thing with my friend and mr D. i had a great time and we were all just cracking up almost the entire time. i fell in love all over again with mr D. it just sucks how we have to leave so soon. but at least now, i know in my heart that i do love him and he does love me too. i can be more patient now and wait and see how we can work things out. i told him i'd rather be stable first with my career, and help him be more stable in his finances, then we can figure out where we could move. san diego is our #1 choice. florida would be my second but since his #2 choice is hawaii...i can settle for that. if he can do an internal transfer with his job, it would be better for both of us. that way, we can be together asap, work our butts off then move out some other time (or stay in the area).

mixed emotions

i'm a little excited and at the same time a little scared about finally meeting mr D tomorrow. he's been a little colder than i expected. i'm not quite sure if he's just shielding himself from the possibility that i might not like him in person. it's really a different vibe from what i've felt from his messages. i guess until u see someone in person, u can't let yourself go. both people could just end up getting hurt. what if i like mr D and he still likes me? how the hell are we gonna make it work?

grrr....i really should stop thinking about it and get it over with first. i'm going to be very busy soon starting monday when i start taking licensing classes. that's exactly what i'm gonna need to get over any anxiety over my "failed" relationship with mr D.

not to mention andy...he is starting to creep up into my life too. i heard from my friend that he really likes me. i met andy last saturday with all his friends at brunch. i'm not attracted to him at first sight. he seems too good of a man for me. i'm attracted to the bad boy types (but hopefully have good attitudes). i'd like for us to start off as friends so if it doesn't work out at all, no one will feel uncomfortable if we all hang out still.

alex...i kinda knew after he called me baby on the first few days of meeting that he's probably going to disappear just like ever other boy that called me that. i didn't even hear from him all day today until i messaged him. no good morning and no good night and no how you doin. and i thought i could fall for him if he kept up his sweet nothings. i won't fall for him unless he continues to do it. apparently, he's kinda over me though. i can feel it. and i feel nothing.

*sigh* maybe i'm just a heartless person incapable of loving (guys for relationships). could this be the consequence of being gay? *sigh sigh sigh* right now, i just wish that i'm straight. i'm sure there's problems too but not as much as being gay. no need for societal acceptance and all that crap.

okay, gotta finish packing.

taking a giant career leap forward

i called this manager of a mutual fund company this morning letting him know that i'm ready to start the process and asking him if they are still interested in hiring me. so i'm coming in on monday to fill up my paperwork and start my schooling. usually takes about 2 months he said but since i'm taking mine online, i'll try to fast track it. there's other things i need to do in the mean time. i have to talk to people i know and let them know what i'm planning on doing so i can contact them in the future, i start making new friends, form my network (for real now) of service providers for partnerships, create a sustainable marketing plan and get into the habit of updating my future contact schedule with everyone i meet.

i definitely have to get on the time tracking habit so i can figure out how much time i spend on studying and how much time i spend just for other stuff. they said it takes 21 days to start a habit. i'm 3 days into tracking my time and stopped doing it. let's see after my vegas trip this weekend if i can jump start it again from monday onward.

time tracking

i started tracking my time today (thank God for smart phones it makes it so much easier now). from the time i woke up this morning, i started logging in my calendar exact start and end times for every single thing that i've done today...and yes, that includes facebooking and blogging. notice that it's 2 separate tasks. that way, i'll know exactly how much time i spent...say, just facebooking. i hope this helps me prioritize my daily activities. at the end of the day, i have to log in the number of minutes spent for each task and total it every week. with that said, i have to finish this blog and create a "form" on google docs so i can log it there and access it anywhere.

woohoo! i love technology!

the halfway meeting that will never be

we were supposed to meet halfway today so we'll know once and for all if we like each other. that's not gonna happen now coz i got mean to mr D. i did apologize already and he accepted. so that's a good sign, at least i know i'm wrong about him and me not being friends after everything.

about our trip to vegas...i'm leaning more towards going now. #1 reason is that it is my best friend's birthday and it's been pre-planned forever. #2 reason is to meet mr D, even though i asked him to give me about 2-3 weeks to get over him before we start communicating again. #3 reason...to relax and let my mind breathe a little bit.

i asked my best friend to not tell mr D and our other friend rayray that i'm coming. it'll just be a surprise. if he tells mr D, then mr D might try to contact me before next week...and that won't be healthy for me. i guess it's too late now to wait 2-3 weeks before any interaction. hopefully a week will be enough for me to kinda set aside any feelings i had so we can genuinely try to start a friendship.

goals redefined

so...i have 7 areas in my life i have identified that needs to be redefined. i need to come up with a "healthy" realistic goal for each area. the goals i'll put on here will still be a bit broad, but i'll narrow it down one by one, specifying an action plan for each goal and an achievable deadline. i'll also have to go back eventually and list the end result when the deadline is over. this is going to be a work in progress so i'll probably have to keep editing this particular post.

1) job/career
what industry/industries i'm willing to be in
what cities/area i'm willing to work at
how many applications a week

2) school/education
what degree/s i'm willing to pursue
what industry i'm willing to enter
financial aid available
work while going to school?

3) health/wellness
what result i want
how many days per week i'm going to workout
how i can incorporate working out to future schedules

4) relationship
date/not date?

5) business
set up business plans

6) home
organize chores
organize the house
furnish the house
fix the landscape

7) personal/spiritual
church
managing personal finances

that's it for now. i'll have to keep going back from now on and update this.

coming soon: goals

i'm going to start sleeping earlier than i used to so i can do more things during the day. one of the most important things i have to do tomorrow, or should i say, later, is to write my goals down, my action plan for those goals and my deadline. writing it down will give me a chance to look back and check which goals i accomplished. and if i didnt accomplish a goal, i need to look back and see what i need to do to complete it, no matter how late.

my tears almost came crashing down

i read my message exchange with mr D on facebook last february and it almost made me cry. this love story of ours is one of the saddest ever for me, i swear. he said this at the end of his first message, "

Aunque usted no lo crea, esta es una de las cosas más difíciles que he tenido que hacer. Eres completamente maravilloso y me mata que las cosas no son lo que yo quiero que sean."

which means

"Although you may not believe this is one of the hardest things I had to do. You are completely awesome, and it kills me that things are not what I want to be."

and his last message after mine, he said, "Although I doubt you will like me when we meet next month.. I hope I get to see you finally. You're one of a kind *Jake.. and you deserve the best.. never forget that."

* * *

i know in my heart now that mr D and i would not have worked right now however which way i look at it. the only way to do this was to end it. but i guess i didn't end it on a good note. so, after saying those few mean words last sat night, i felt compelled to take it all back and apologize. it shouldn't have been that way at all. i know i'll need a lot of time apart from him so i can get over this love that i untimely feel for him.

im such a lazy mudda today

i didn't used to be like this. but today, just like most other days in the past few weeks, i've been really lazy to do anything. i could've started running outside my neighborhood today, applied at a few more places, redo/polish my resume, followed up on the real estate stuff, started on a business plan for my online biz i'm trying to start with a friend and do laundry. *sigh sigh and another sigh* what will tomorrow bring?

this whole not working thing is not good for me. i remember when i used to work full time, i would go to the gym for an hour before work and go to my classes after work. i would cram everything i need to do during the week so my weekends are free for hanging out with friends or just resting.

i need to reconfigure my goals and write them down, decide on an action plan for each and finalize my time frame. and whether or not i meet it, what my reward/punishment is for myself. i'll do this tomorrow and put it down in writing. i have lots of stuff to consider with each decision.

a door closes, a window (or two) opens

as i shut the door on mr D, alex comes right on by. he stopped by last saturday just to see me for a bit. before he left, he gave me orange juice...and to my surprise, a white rose in a little bouquet. sweet nothings are my weakness. keep it up and alex could have my heart soon. im just a little worried now coz even though he's here now, he just got a job offer to work out of state.

uggh...just my luck.

i like our start though. we began our getting to know stage in complete honesty. he told me his whole story about why he's available. i told him about mr D. oh, and he told me he was also talking to another guy. i really, really appreciate that he can tell me everything and not conceal any fact...even though he's taking a risk of driving me away with those facts. i know it's way too soon to even think about it...but he wants to take me with him. i told him i can't be out of work coz i have bills to pay (and i won't let anyone pay my bills unless i know they're super rich and the love is mutual). he said i can stay with him while i look. it may sound very appealing at the moment considering mr D is practically gone. i just don't want alex to be a rebound.

so for now, we'll keep going as it is. get to know each other a bit more. maybe when he starts his job, he can fly me out there and check out the area if i'll like it. it'll be something to consider.

* * *

some friends last night were asking me who i'm with now. when they found out i'm still single, one of them flashed a big smile on her face. it just happens that she's trying to find her cousin someone nice to date. i'll call him andy. he's 37, half white, half filipino. i saw the pictures, they were okay, for now. that's a good thing. if ever i get to know him and i like him, he's gonna look awesome! i told her she can give my phone number and if he can text me and say hello to start, i'll go along with it. i just don't like to start the text conversation coz im very very shy. she's also planning a little dinner or get together so it's a safe environment to meet. we'll see how this one goes as well.

* * *

i really hope i find a job soon. if i still don't get this job i recently applied for, i might just go for the independent contractor position at this mutual fund company. it will take me 2 months to go through the schooling and get my securities licenses, but it might be the perfect time for it. if it doesn't work out and i get dropped from their guaranteed program, it will be easier for me to get into jobs that i REALLY love, which is investment selling and financial planning.

DECIDE DECIDE DECIDE SOON JAKE!

damn it, i'm still sad

i'm so heartbroken...damn it! damn it! damn it! why did i ever let myself go?

*sigh* i hope this doesn't last forever coz it's worse now that i'm not doing much. i still look at mr D's pictures and his formspring...even though it hurts every time. i deleted his facebook profile and all his messages and pictures on my phone so i don't go crazy looking at them and hurting myself in the process. i hope it comes sooner rather than later that i can learn to accept the fact that it just would not have worked. and maybe then, i can learn to be friends with him. *heavier sigh*

* * *

on a nice note, i apologized to my friend for being a little mean to him. this is what i wrote..."Sorry if i was being mean last time. I just have a lot of things on my mind. I really would've loved to celebrate and party but since I don't see it happening, maybe we'll do something small here. Don't worry abt not greeting me on my bday. Ur right abt that, that we weren't in touch. I was just being the big bitch that u were supposed to be lol."

i have forgotten what it was like to apologize. it makes me feel better when i do it. i should try to do it more often coz lately im starting to feel a little more negativity than usual. im sure it has a lot to do with my career and my love life. i just don't know why i feel so poor when i still have some savings left to keep me solvent for another 5-6 months.

friends can be lovers, but lovers can't be friends

true for the most part in my opinion. i'm sure there are exceptions.

but mr D and i can not even be friends. i think my love for this guy was real enough that it hurts to even see his picture or talk to him about random stuff. we're supposed to be friends but he can't hide the fact that he does like me to a point. it's just so weird and different now to how he was before.

after drinking so many shots of hard liquor last night...i just had a major realization --he's not what i want. i'd rather be single than have to go through all this heartache and headache...wanting and waiting for him to be the same way as before. i forwarded most of his past messages just to make him see what his messages were like. he said there's no need. i wonder why. i guess he's not concerned at all, that's what it seems like. i did it anyway. he said he never got any of them. go figure. i told him i'm tired of lies and empty promises. and this time, for sure, he's lying about not getting them. forwarded messages are just like any other text message. why would he get my regular text messages and not the forwarded ones? strange...

i'm done. no more chances. i gave him 3. i thought 3rd time's a charm and maybe he will come around. i guess i was wrong.

if u love someone, u gotta learn to let them go

and this time, i'm following my own advice.

i let mr D go today. we're both not financially ready to make a major move to make things work. emotionally, even though i'm ready, i know he's not. he has way more issues to deal with than me. his friends are his life and for me to try to compete for a little attention, it just won't work for me. it would be different if we lived together and he would go with his friends. i'll know he's still coming home to me and i won't feel bad at all with him hanging with friends. it was a very hard decision to make. but one i feel like i have to make now or never. i don't want to have to feel like crap every time he takes forever to respond to me when he's out with friends.

so officially, we're just friends now. i asked him to reserve the phone kisses and the sweetness for later. when he's ready and i'm still available, get at me then. if i'm not available, then we'll just be friends for real. it is a big risk he has to take. now that alex is trying to be a part of my life, mr D will have a harder time by the time he feels he's ready. it doesn't help either that i might not see him this month at all since it will be way too expensive for me to party with him and my best friend. he said maybe not til after may. that's way too long for me. i already wanted to see him in person before so we can tell if there's chemistry or not before we proceed further.

honestly though, if he refused to be let go and promised me instead that things will be different from now on, i would've accepted him 100% and from here, start the process of making "us" work. but he didn't. that just confirms what i've felt all this time about him not being ready.

if u miss me, get at me

i was kinda pissed yesterday at mr D for questioning me how come he never heard back from me after my last message 2 days ago. it seems very "playa-like" of him to ask since he has my number anyway and he could very well have messaged me too or tried to call at least. in all honesty, i did text him back. twice. he just didn't get them. i didn't message anymore after those two texts because, as always, he's out and about with his friends when he's off work and he forgets about me completely...well, not completely this time because he did send out some messages here and there. i think he kinda learned his lesson somehow in that area. i told him that my phone has been acting up lately, thanks to AT&T. people have not been able to get through me sometimes when they call or text. either it's the network or my farm town area that has a problem, who knows. the only way to make each other known whether we get the message or not is to respond with "yeah" or "okay" or "got it". simple as that, right? and be consistent about it. that way, if the other person doesn't respond with those words, u can assume that they probably did not get ur message. fair enough. hopefully, we both remember to do that now.

he changed his tone later on coz he can probably tell i was getting pissed. at least i know that he missed me. now he knows too that i'm not gonna chase him around like that. he needs to be proactive too and not wait for my messages. it's good that i can hold off on sending tons of questioning message that would make it seem like im all googoo gaga over him, because i think i'm over that stage. i just wanna see now if we can stand each other when we meet.

* * *

on a different note for yesterday, i went out on a date with someone local. alex seems like a nice, respectable guy. i met him online and started our conversation after i complimented his only picture, which is a body shot. it was nice that he responded back and complimented my pics as well. and a 2 hour chat followed that. he opened up pretty fast. he showed me his website with all his face pics and told me his story. he was surprised himself. he said he didn't want to lie to me and i really, really appreciate that. he's going through a divorce. and he's had tough times, but the tough times are behind him now. he wants to meet a nice guy for a possible relationship and start his life over. he's still young so it's good that he's finally coming out so he can enjoy his life. he wasn't too appealing for me in his pics but in person, he's an attractive guy. a little short for me but nonetheless, cute. i'll see more of him in the coming weeks i hope.

mr D has to be more proactive to win me over or else alex might beat him to it. alex has home court advantage right now but the game is still on until i see a proverbial ring and accept it.

on Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

i loved this movie! it's one of those movies that are sort of romantic because they portray the gods and goddesses of greek mythology and their demigod offsprings. i liked it too because of the powers that some of the characters have. i just wish they showed more people exhibit their powers. i also loved the humor of the story because they are very relevant to current times.

overall, i give it a 5 star!

my travel wishlist

i've come across a website that lists the best budget beaches...and two of them are right here in the US. the first one is at St. John, US Virgin Islands and the other is at the Florida Keys (not all of them, just the Bahia Honda Key. i think the beaches change here and there but these two are on it in two articles i've seen so far.

i've always wanted to check out the US territories. it's easy to get to because passports are not required and everything is in US dollars. that takes the big hassle out of changing money or converting currencies. puerto rico has been my favorite destination for the longest time to date since i haven't been to hawaii yet or the other US territories of Guam, Virgin Islands, American Samoa and Marianas Islands.

hopefully for valentine's day 2011 i can go with a special someone to either one of those two places.

mr D's big test

he's off work today and tomorrow...we'll see if he sends me a message some time today and tomorrow without me initiating.

* * *

he did send some messages...so it's definitely a plus. i don't really need tons of messages. even one will do.

on atomic kitten's whole again

i've never heard of Atomic Kitten before. but mr D sent me a link on youtube to listen to their song Whole Again. i liked the lyrics. but more importantly, i liked that he's dedicating that song to me. i guess after the whole debacle he put me through, he's basically saying that he still likes me and if i take him back, it'll make him whole again. well...not so fast about feeling giddy yet...otherwise we both might end up where we left off. it is exciting and all but i have to do one step at a time now. let my head do the thinking and not the heart. first things first, we have to meet in person. if we feel giddy and stuff, then maybe we ought to really just get together already so we can start figuring out our life together instead of guessing.

chronic multi-tasker...i just called myself that

i was doing tons of things at the same time today. i was watching the Winter Olympics on NBC, i was loading dishes in the dishwasher while my laundry was going too, toasting bread for my peanut butter sandwich breakfast, let the dogs out in the yard to their thing, boiling eggs for my egg salad and finally, eating my breakfast. whew! what a morning!

"my gym-lemma"

my current 24hr Fitness gym membership is pretty inexpensive. i signed up with a 3 year prepaid contract and now that the 3 years is up, to renew it is only $69 a year, which amounts to a little over $5 a month. i can go to most of their clubs as well, except for the Super Sport and Ultra Sport. the only problem i have is that where i live now, the closest gym is about 15 miles away, and it's not open 24 hours. the other 2 gyms that are open 24 hours are about 18 and 21 miles away.

Fitness 19 on the other hand is about 7 miles away. and it's only $14 a month with no contract. so to put it in perspective. if i join Fitness 19, and i plan to go to the gym about 3 times a week, i'll spend $14 for the membership plus $12 for gas (7 miles * 2 = 14 miles roundtrip * 3 days = 42 miles * 4 weeks = 168 miles / 40 mpg = 4 gallons * $3 per gallon = $12). if i renew 24hr fitness, i'll spend $6 for the membership plus $33 for gas (18 miles * 2 = 36 miles roundtrip * 3 days = 108 miles * 4 weeks = 432 miles / 40 mpg = 10.8 gallons *$3 per gallon = $33).

Fitness 19 - $26 a month
24hr Fitness - $$39 a month

if i decide to join Fitness 19 and just go 3 days MWF, it's only $12 a month for a total of $24. it might be worth it to do that and keep the $6 additional for $24hr Fitness for a total of $30 a month. that way i'll have more options. if im home, i go MWF at a local gym. when i'm somewhere else, i can go to 24hr fitness and go to the gym before or after doing errands.

wow...it's good that i write out my thoughts coz if it's just in my head, i would just immediately opt for 24hr Fitness since it's cheaper. now i have to decide which option is best. i'll update myself on here what i decide to do.

seriously considering going back to school

since i haven't really been working, i've been seriously considering going back to school and finishing my degree. as i mentioned before, it's a problem i have being a jack of all trades and master of none. now is a good time to really focus on just one thing and stick to it. i have a few units left to get an associates degree. if i stick to just school and no work at all, i can finish the bachelor's in less than 2 years if i go 18 units each semester and take 9 units in the summer too. so the total will be about 2-2 1/2 years and i'm done with my bachelor's degree. if i decide to continue on and get a master's degree, then that will be another 18 months to 2 years. i'll be 34 by then but i'll have a better shot at my future.

i really like investments and finance, so maybe i'll start off with that. i have to figure out now how to go about choosing the right school and getting the right financial aid (grants or loans or combination of both) to help me get through it.

i still have bills to pay but if my creditors are willing to freeze my account but still keep accruing interest, i will have less to worry about while i finish school. if my creditors do not agree, i'll have no choice but to start defaulting on them. they can try to collect but i have no assets or income. and my savings is protected under a retirement program. i have to save what i have left in my savings to get me through school. if my credit suffers while i do it, it may be my toughest choice to make, ever. i've had spotless credit since i started building it. but i'm sure i can figure out how to rebuild it when the time comes. my main problem is that when i'm done with a business/finance degree, the main career that i'll be looking at is a banking/finance career where i'll need spotless credit. so hopefully, the creditors will be more than willing to cooperate to protect my rating in order to pay them back once i'm done with school.

feels like i'm summer

times like these, i feel like i'm summer, from the movie 500 days of summer. she's this character who loved only 2 things -- her long black hair, and how she can cut it off without flinching. for me, that meant that when she loves something/someone, she can cut it/him/her off without feeling much of a remorse.

i've ranted that i felt crappy this and that about what happened between mr D and myself. but now, i feel like i can go on talking to him again. not exactly like before, but as friends. no expectations that things will turn out for the better, but just hoping it will. he's back to his messaging ways, and i'm back to my ways. the only thing that's definitely missing are those little sweet things he used to say. i really couldn't care less if i get those sweet messages or not. i'd rather not. it's better this way. if things turn out great, then...GREAT! if not, i don't get hurt as much.

* * *

ugh...i gave mr D one of the titles of my blog entries. i forgot how easy it is to search for something on google, especially since those were the exact words of my title. i changed the title already, but i guess it won't be replaced on google until a few days later. when my entries came up, it said that it's as shown on feb 9th. that was a week ago. ugh...yet again.

i made him promise not to search for it since these entries are my innermost thoughts, and i'd be uncomfortable if i'm aware someone i know is reading it (except my philippines guy who i started this blog for in the first place). i hope he keeps his promise.

* * *

we played vball again today (or yesterday i should say), our usual recreational practice before our thursday game. as usual too, some of the people in my team will always have something to say whenever i miss the ball. it's not like they get the ball all the time. i just have to rant about this one coz this is vball players' sickness. they always see other people's mistakes but not theirs. i just let it go in the court. vball is fun for me, but i'm not gonna risk injury by chasing after the ball when i know i can't get it. i don't mind getting constructive criticism. i would just rather take it from people who know they're not as perfect either.

the feb 13 message exchange

this is the message he sent on feb 13, which i got to read on feb 14 evening...

"I know that you are disappointed in me and you have all right to be. I just really wanted to let you know that I really do like you A LOT, I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now.

Right now work has me crazy. This sleep schedule is really fucking me up and I cant give you the attention you deserve. I wish it were different.

But the biggest thing that has been driving me crazy is that i wasn't being honest with you and I hate myself for it. I should have started talking to you being 100% honest but someone told me that my situation would lure you away from talking to me. What situation you may ask? Well I broke up with my ex not too long ago... and the kicker is that now we are roomates. I tried to tell you before, but I knew that would be the end of us because.. well... I'm sure it wouldn't have been ok with you. No, me and the ex aren't just on a break.. it's been done for a long time. I just feel bad for him because I know that if i were to leave the house right now he would definitely lose the house because he can't afford it on his own. So im giving him 6 months to find roomates so I can leave. Unfortunately, I would probably leave C*** with him. Thats probably the saddest thing for me cuz I really love C***, but I can't bare splitting the brothers apart. ugh. =/

Anyway... I thought you deserved an explanation and the truth. I know you will probably hate me forever.. and I guess I have no one else to blame than myself... but if you can find it in your heart to keep me as a friend than I will be honored. I dont expect you to be there in the future, someone will scoop you up.. you're too good to pass up on.. (you have no idea)..but.. if not.. maybe in the future we can start fresh when my work/living situation improves? ugh.. im sad... and im sorry. =/"

my reply...

"it's good to hear from u at least i know ur not dead yet coz i told m***** u either better be dead or in the hospital before he can make me go to vegas for his bday.

i totally understand ur crazy schedule coz i've had a crazier one for 5 months and it drove me nuts. i just wished u really would've been honest from the start about everything. the roommate as ex's thing never would've bothered me. i dated several people before in that situation and i never thought anything of it.

when i told u that i love u, i did mean it. u might think it's crazy since we've never met. i didn't say it just because i first heard u say it, but because that's the truth. i said it coz if i die the next day without telling u, then that just sucks. but i don't give my love to just anyone. based on the personality that i got to know you from talking over the phone, i knowingly was taking 100% responsibility if things go south. i would've done a lot and sacrificed a lot for u if i just know exactly what i was getting myself into. i honestly think it would've been a great relationship to begin with coz we're already confronted with big struggles and we'll end up stronger in the end. but i totally understand y u would not be ready, coz im probably not ready myself. i don't think we can really prepare for that anyway.

when u left home when u were sick, i was already determined to really leave it just as friends that's y u never heard from me til today. i don't know if u noticed too that i deleted ur gay facebook but kept ur real one.

i really noticed a big change about u recently. and i honestly didn't like it. i think i would've been hurt more if i continued talking to u like nothing's wrong. i felt like i was a game, that after i told u i really like u too and that i love u, it was game over. and when u made me feel like u weren't ready for it, i really felt like it was a slap to my face that i gave u my heart and u threw it back to me saying u didn't want it. that's what hurt, and that's my truth.

i didnt say all this to make u feel bad. coz i really hope u dont. the situation sucks, but i know u didnt mean it to hurt me. if i dont get hurt, i cant appreciate being loved. so it's not that bad. and i'm really ok. :)

about being friends, let's just see where life takes us. i don't expect anything anymore from u but if u wanna keep in touch, u know how to reach me. i can't promise that i'll be here like before since i will be focusing on improving my situation as well. so take good care of urself and i'll see u next month some time."

his final reply...before the friendly text messages restarted...

"well.. if im being 100% honest.. when I said I loved you.. I meant it. However, it was bitter sweet... cuz.. you didn't know the truth about me and the ex... and i felt like I was misleading you.. and I didnt like it... I also didn't like that my schedule change (although temporary) is/was causing friction between us. Mainly on my part cuz it was effecting the way I was with you..and thats not cool with me. The fact that we have never met and I was already foreseeing us living together and having a kid with you scared me...lol.. you think I'm joking but I'm not... its just.. I've never talked to someone like you.. and its crazy how we clicked.

You've been on my mind a lot... I had a dream about you today infact. Today in particular.. I even had a dream about u. *sigh* I don't know why I'm even telling you this. =/ sorry.

ANYWAY, I'm sorry for putting you through this. I'm sorry I wasnt being truthful. I'm sorry for everything.. i honestly am. I wish we could just start over...but I know i fucked it up... and im sorry. =/

Although I doubt you will like me when we meet next month.. I hope I get to see you finally. You're one of a kind J***.. and you deserve the best.. never forget that."

a fun vday...AKA...single ladies day celebration

wednesday midnight was the last time i heard from mr D. didn't message him at all thursday-saturday. i was determined to just wait until he sends me a message in order to keep that "friendship for now" thing going. was he on my mind? definitely. it seems every minute of those days, i was thinking about him -- if he's with his friends, if he's getting enough sleep, if he's thinking about me, if he's angry at me for not saying good morning when i woke up on thursday, and a whole slew of other stuff. but for my sake, i figured i have to do this.

* * *

feb 13...i went to see my bestfriend around the afternoon and we were gonna hang out the whole weekend to celebrate vday (or valentine's day). i got there early. we walked to the gym, walked back to his place to change, had a nice healthy Subway sandwich for dinner, went out shopping for stuff for his place and then went back home to set everything up. by the time we're done, it was almost midnight. i wondered if we can still stay awake to play games. i'm glad we did have some time left. didn't get to shower anymore coz it was really late. i feel stinky but i'm glad i wasn't. yay!

feb 14...valentine's day. or singles' day for me (and my bestfriend). we woke up pretty early for sleeping late. first thing we did before breakfast? played a few rounds of Monopoly on Wii. (it was a very fun game actually, even though i played it so many times as a kid.) then we're off to IHOP for brunch. a little weird coz it's vday and i'm sure it's either family vday or lovers vday. but there we were, bestfriends celebrating it. haha. fun nonetheless. i sent mr D a msg simply saying "happy vday! hope ur alive and kicking!". no response.

feb 14...evening...i got back home finally. i was gonna stay one more night but i still felt kinda crappy. i kinda want to finish off vday celebrating me. as usual, i opened my facebook to play Mafia Wars for a bit, and there it was, a message from mr D, sent feb 13 evening. (the message exchange was few, but long, so i'll put it on another blog post. i think it's too big for this one now.)

i've been single every valentine's day, every year of my adult life. i've had relationships before but they just happen to start after valentine's day, or end just before this special day. i'm kinda used to being alone. it just sucks to feel like that every time. i know that i can handle being by myself, but the thought of being by myself for all years to come scares me, especially being as i am --a gay person who's never gonna get married to a girl and have a family and normal life. being gay is the most normal i could ever be and i have to live with it til i die. *sigh for real*

feeling crappy

even though i totally want to feel like this now than regret being with mr D later on, i still feel crappy. i guess i did mean it when i told him i love him (after i heard it from him). i thought the feeling was mutual, but i guess it wasn't. *sigh* it's been years since i loved some stranger i forgot how good it felt...and how much it hurts when u don't get loved back.

just thought i'd rant...yet again.

dreamyteller

i guess instead of a story teller, i'll call myself a dreamyteller. i've always had vivid dreams where i am either part of the story as a character or a narrator/viewer. it's almost as if i'm in there living it and experiencing it.

when i used to write for my school paper, i wrote a full page short story about a weird dream of mine about alien abduction where the "cast" include classmates and teachers.

so, i've been thinking about writing stories from my dreams ever since i had my first big dream-story. i haven't done much to the first one other than write out the plot, the characters and split up the chapters. i need more inspiration to write the first one. the setting is somewhere in england or scotland of old times. i dunno, maybe i need to go visit one of these days or read travel books with vivid pictures.

i've had 2 more big dreams after that. both are totally unrelated to the first one. my dreams are one story dreams and not sequels...so far. i bought a digital voice recorder so when i feel like it, i can dictate my story to it. hopefully i get my $40 worth for that little thing.

i think i'm done...

...with mr D. he definitely has changed.

it is hard enough to keep a relationship exciting when ur next to someone. how much more if ur miles apart? i can definitely tell that something's way different now compared to the first exciting text messages. whether it is from stress that he's experiencing or just plain boredom now, i don't really care much anymore.

he hasn't called me handsome, cute or funny lately. he hasn't laughed much lately either. it seems more of a chore now to send a good morning message with a kiss. the usual "honey, i'm home" message when he gets home from work is gone. i don't get any more little poems and i haven't gotten the forwarded horoscopes either (we have the same sign, i dunno i guess now it's more of a bad thing). and no more baby talk.

i guess thanks to the internet, these teenie weenie eerie feelings can be confirmed quite easily. he's supposed to be feeling sick today so he's going home earlier than usual. the last joke text i sent about grounding him so he can rest, no response. i cleaned the kitchen a bit right after that, then asked him again what time he was going home. no response again. however, somewhere in between that time, he was able to happily answer some questions on his formspring site and change his facebook status to something that's not quite so sickly. so am i wrong for feeling disgusted? at this point, i don't think so.

i'm deleting him from facebook today because i really couldn't care less now about what he does on there. i'm not cutting him off completely...i can't. he's my best friend's close friend so we'll see each other some time next march. if he wants me, he's gonna have to work very hard to get me. i've taken a risk and given my heart to someone physically far away from me. it will take me a while to give my heart again.

**listening to: why do we always hurt the ones we love? by dan hill