i was kinda pissed yesterday at mr D for questioning me how come he never heard back from me after my last message 2 days ago. it seems very "playa-like" of him to ask since he has my number anyway and he could very well have messaged me too or tried to call at least. in all honesty, i did text him back. twice. he just didn't get them. i didn't message anymore after those two texts because, as always, he's out and about with his friends when he's off work and he forgets about me completely...well, not completely this time because he did send out some messages here and there. i think he kinda learned his lesson somehow in that area. i told him that my phone has been acting up lately, thanks to AT&T. people have not been able to get through me sometimes when they call or text. either it's the network or my farm town area that has a problem, who knows. the only way to make each other known whether we get the message or not is to respond with "yeah" or "okay" or "got it". simple as that, right? and be consistent about it. that way, if the other person doesn't respond with those words, u can assume that they probably did not get ur message. fair enough. hopefully, we both remember to do that now.
he changed his tone later on coz he can probably tell i was getting pissed. at least i know that he missed me. now he knows too that i'm not gonna chase him around like that. he needs to be proactive too and not wait for my messages. it's good that i can hold off on sending tons of questioning message that would make it seem like im all googoo gaga over him, because i think i'm over that stage. i just wanna see now if we can stand each other when we meet.
* * *
on a different note for yesterday, i went out on a date with someone local. alex seems like a nice, respectable guy. i met him online and started our conversation after i complimented his only picture, which is a body shot. it was nice that he responded back and complimented my pics as well. and a 2 hour chat followed that. he opened up pretty fast. he showed me his website with all his face pics and told me his story. he was surprised himself. he said he didn't want to lie to me and i really, really appreciate that. he's going through a divorce. and he's had tough times, but the tough times are behind him now. he wants to meet a nice guy for a possible relationship and start his life over. he's still young so it's good that he's finally coming out so he can enjoy his life. he wasn't too appealing for me in his pics but in person, he's an attractive guy. a little short for me but nonetheless, cute. i'll see more of him in the coming weeks i hope.
mr D has to be more proactive to win me over or else alex might beat him to it. alex has home court advantage right now but the game is still on until i see a proverbial ring and accept it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
on Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
i loved this movie! it's one of those movies that are sort of romantic because they portray the gods and goddesses of greek mythology and their demigod offsprings. i liked it too because of the powers that some of the characters have. i just wish they showed more people exhibit their powers. i also loved the humor of the story because they are very relevant to current times.
overall, i give it a 5 star!
overall, i give it a 5 star!
Monday, February 22, 2010
my travel wishlist
i've come across a website that lists the best budget beaches...and two of them are right here in the US. the first one is at St. John, US Virgin Islands and the other is at the Florida Keys (not all of them, just the Bahia Honda Key. i think the beaches change here and there but these two are on it in two articles i've seen so far.
i've always wanted to check out the US territories. it's easy to get to because passports are not required and everything is in US dollars. that takes the big hassle out of changing money or converting currencies. puerto rico has been my favorite destination for the longest time to date since i haven't been to hawaii yet or the other US territories of Guam, Virgin Islands, American Samoa and Marianas Islands.
hopefully for valentine's day 2011 i can go with a special someone to either one of those two places.
i've always wanted to check out the US territories. it's easy to get to because passports are not required and everything is in US dollars. that takes the big hassle out of changing money or converting currencies. puerto rico has been my favorite destination for the longest time to date since i haven't been to hawaii yet or the other US territories of Guam, Virgin Islands, American Samoa and Marianas Islands.
hopefully for valentine's day 2011 i can go with a special someone to either one of those two places.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
mr D's big test
he's off work today and tomorrow...we'll see if he sends me a message some time today and tomorrow without me initiating.
* * *
he did send some messages...so it's definitely a plus. i don't really need tons of messages. even one will do.
* * *
he did send some messages...so it's definitely a plus. i don't really need tons of messages. even one will do.
on atomic kitten's whole again
i've never heard of Atomic Kitten before. but mr D sent me a link on youtube to listen to their song Whole Again. i liked the lyrics. but more importantly, i liked that he's dedicating that song to me. i guess after the whole debacle he put me through, he's basically saying that he still likes me and if i take him back, it'll make him whole again. well...not so fast about feeling giddy yet...otherwise we both might end up where we left off. it is exciting and all but i have to do one step at a time now. let my head do the thinking and not the heart. first things first, we have to meet in person. if we feel giddy and stuff, then maybe we ought to really just get together already so we can start figuring out our life together instead of guessing.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
chronic multi-tasker...i just called myself that
i was doing tons of things at the same time today. i was watching the Winter Olympics on NBC, i was loading dishes in the dishwasher while my laundry was going too, toasting bread for my peanut butter sandwich breakfast, let the dogs out in the yard to their thing, boiling eggs for my egg salad and finally, eating my breakfast. whew! what a morning!
"my gym-lemma"
my current 24hr Fitness gym membership is pretty inexpensive. i signed up with a 3 year prepaid contract and now that the 3 years is up, to renew it is only $69 a year, which amounts to a little over $5 a month. i can go to most of their clubs as well, except for the Super Sport and Ultra Sport. the only problem i have is that where i live now, the closest gym is about 15 miles away, and it's not open 24 hours. the other 2 gyms that are open 24 hours are about 18 and 21 miles away.
Fitness 19 on the other hand is about 7 miles away. and it's only $14 a month with no contract. so to put it in perspective. if i join Fitness 19, and i plan to go to the gym about 3 times a week, i'll spend $14 for the membership plus $12 for gas (7 miles * 2 = 14 miles roundtrip * 3 days = 42 miles * 4 weeks = 168 miles / 40 mpg = 4 gallons * $3 per gallon = $12). if i renew 24hr fitness, i'll spend $6 for the membership plus $33 for gas (18 miles * 2 = 36 miles roundtrip * 3 days = 108 miles * 4 weeks = 432 miles / 40 mpg = 10.8 gallons *$3 per gallon = $33).
Fitness 19 - $26 a month
24hr Fitness - $$39 a month
if i decide to join Fitness 19 and just go 3 days MWF, it's only $12 a month for a total of $24. it might be worth it to do that and keep the $6 additional for $24hr Fitness for a total of $30 a month. that way i'll have more options. if im home, i go MWF at a local gym. when i'm somewhere else, i can go to 24hr fitness and go to the gym before or after doing errands.
wow...it's good that i write out my thoughts coz if it's just in my head, i would just immediately opt for 24hr Fitness since it's cheaper. now i have to decide which option is best. i'll update myself on here what i decide to do.
Fitness 19 on the other hand is about 7 miles away. and it's only $14 a month with no contract. so to put it in perspective. if i join Fitness 19, and i plan to go to the gym about 3 times a week, i'll spend $14 for the membership plus $12 for gas (7 miles * 2 = 14 miles roundtrip * 3 days = 42 miles * 4 weeks = 168 miles / 40 mpg = 4 gallons * $3 per gallon = $12). if i renew 24hr fitness, i'll spend $6 for the membership plus $33 for gas (18 miles * 2 = 36 miles roundtrip * 3 days = 108 miles * 4 weeks = 432 miles / 40 mpg = 10.8 gallons *$3 per gallon = $33).
Fitness 19 - $26 a month
24hr Fitness - $$39 a month
if i decide to join Fitness 19 and just go 3 days MWF, it's only $12 a month for a total of $24. it might be worth it to do that and keep the $6 additional for $24hr Fitness for a total of $30 a month. that way i'll have more options. if im home, i go MWF at a local gym. when i'm somewhere else, i can go to 24hr fitness and go to the gym before or after doing errands.
wow...it's good that i write out my thoughts coz if it's just in my head, i would just immediately opt for 24hr Fitness since it's cheaper. now i have to decide which option is best. i'll update myself on here what i decide to do.
seriously considering going back to school
since i haven't really been working, i've been seriously considering going back to school and finishing my degree. as i mentioned before, it's a problem i have being a jack of all trades and master of none. now is a good time to really focus on just one thing and stick to it. i have a few units left to get an associates degree. if i stick to just school and no work at all, i can finish the bachelor's in less than 2 years if i go 18 units each semester and take 9 units in the summer too. so the total will be about 2-2 1/2 years and i'm done with my bachelor's degree. if i decide to continue on and get a master's degree, then that will be another 18 months to 2 years. i'll be 34 by then but i'll have a better shot at my future.
i really like investments and finance, so maybe i'll start off with that. i have to figure out now how to go about choosing the right school and getting the right financial aid (grants or loans or combination of both) to help me get through it.
i still have bills to pay but if my creditors are willing to freeze my account but still keep accruing interest, i will have less to worry about while i finish school. if my creditors do not agree, i'll have no choice but to start defaulting on them. they can try to collect but i have no assets or income. and my savings is protected under a retirement program. i have to save what i have left in my savings to get me through school. if my credit suffers while i do it, it may be my toughest choice to make, ever. i've had spotless credit since i started building it. but i'm sure i can figure out how to rebuild it when the time comes. my main problem is that when i'm done with a business/finance degree, the main career that i'll be looking at is a banking/finance career where i'll need spotless credit. so hopefully, the creditors will be more than willing to cooperate to protect my rating in order to pay them back once i'm done with school.
i really like investments and finance, so maybe i'll start off with that. i have to figure out now how to go about choosing the right school and getting the right financial aid (grants or loans or combination of both) to help me get through it.
i still have bills to pay but if my creditors are willing to freeze my account but still keep accruing interest, i will have less to worry about while i finish school. if my creditors do not agree, i'll have no choice but to start defaulting on them. they can try to collect but i have no assets or income. and my savings is protected under a retirement program. i have to save what i have left in my savings to get me through school. if my credit suffers while i do it, it may be my toughest choice to make, ever. i've had spotless credit since i started building it. but i'm sure i can figure out how to rebuild it when the time comes. my main problem is that when i'm done with a business/finance degree, the main career that i'll be looking at is a banking/finance career where i'll need spotless credit. so hopefully, the creditors will be more than willing to cooperate to protect my rating in order to pay them back once i'm done with school.
feels like i'm summer
times like these, i feel like i'm summer, from the movie 500 days of summer. she's this character who loved only 2 things -- her long black hair, and how she can cut it off without flinching. for me, that meant that when she loves something/someone, she can cut it/him/her off without feeling much of a remorse.
i've ranted that i felt crappy this and that about what happened between mr D and myself. but now, i feel like i can go on talking to him again. not exactly like before, but as friends. no expectations that things will turn out for the better, but just hoping it will. he's back to his messaging ways, and i'm back to my ways. the only thing that's definitely missing are those little sweet things he used to say. i really couldn't care less if i get those sweet messages or not. i'd rather not. it's better this way. if things turn out great, then...GREAT! if not, i don't get hurt as much.
* * *
ugh...i gave mr D one of the titles of my blog entries. i forgot how easy it is to search for something on google, especially since those were the exact words of my title. i changed the title already, but i guess it won't be replaced on google until a few days later. when my entries came up, it said that it's as shown on feb 9th. that was a week ago. ugh...yet again.
i made him promise not to search for it since these entries are my innermost thoughts, and i'd be uncomfortable if i'm aware someone i know is reading it (except my philippines guy who i started this blog for in the first place). i hope he keeps his promise.
* * *
we played vball again today (or yesterday i should say), our usual recreational practice before our thursday game. as usual too, some of the people in my team will always have something to say whenever i miss the ball. it's not like they get the ball all the time. i just have to rant about this one coz this is vball players' sickness. they always see other people's mistakes but not theirs. i just let it go in the court. vball is fun for me, but i'm not gonna risk injury by chasing after the ball when i know i can't get it. i don't mind getting constructive criticism. i would just rather take it from people who know they're not as perfect either.
i've ranted that i felt crappy this and that about what happened between mr D and myself. but now, i feel like i can go on talking to him again. not exactly like before, but as friends. no expectations that things will turn out for the better, but just hoping it will. he's back to his messaging ways, and i'm back to my ways. the only thing that's definitely missing are those little sweet things he used to say. i really couldn't care less if i get those sweet messages or not. i'd rather not. it's better this way. if things turn out great, then...GREAT! if not, i don't get hurt as much.
* * *
ugh...i gave mr D one of the titles of my blog entries. i forgot how easy it is to search for something on google, especially since those were the exact words of my title. i changed the title already, but i guess it won't be replaced on google until a few days later. when my entries came up, it said that it's as shown on feb 9th. that was a week ago. ugh...yet again.
i made him promise not to search for it since these entries are my innermost thoughts, and i'd be uncomfortable if i'm aware someone i know is reading it (except my philippines guy who i started this blog for in the first place). i hope he keeps his promise.
* * *
we played vball again today (or yesterday i should say), our usual recreational practice before our thursday game. as usual too, some of the people in my team will always have something to say whenever i miss the ball. it's not like they get the ball all the time. i just have to rant about this one coz this is vball players' sickness. they always see other people's mistakes but not theirs. i just let it go in the court. vball is fun for me, but i'm not gonna risk injury by chasing after the ball when i know i can't get it. i don't mind getting constructive criticism. i would just rather take it from people who know they're not as perfect either.
the feb 13 message exchange
this is the message he sent on feb 13, which i got to read on feb 14 evening...
"I know that you are disappointed in me and you have all right to be. I just really wanted to let you know that I really do like you A LOT, I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now.
Right now work has me crazy. This sleep schedule is really fucking me up and I cant give you the attention you deserve. I wish it were different.
But the biggest thing that has been driving me crazy is that i wasn't being honest with you and I hate myself for it. I should have started talking to you being 100% honest but someone told me that my situation would lure you away from talking to me. What situation you may ask? Well I broke up with my ex not too long ago... and the kicker is that now we are roomates. I tried to tell you before, but I knew that would be the end of us because.. well... I'm sure it wouldn't have been ok with you. No, me and the ex aren't just on a break.. it's been done for a long time. I just feel bad for him because I know that if i were to leave the house right now he would definitely lose the house because he can't afford it on his own. So im giving him 6 months to find roomates so I can leave. Unfortunately, I would probably leave C*** with him. Thats probably the saddest thing for me cuz I really love C***, but I can't bare splitting the brothers apart. ugh. =/
Anyway... I thought you deserved an explanation and the truth. I know you will probably hate me forever.. and I guess I have no one else to blame than myself... but if you can find it in your heart to keep me as a friend than I will be honored. I dont expect you to be there in the future, someone will scoop you up.. you're too good to pass up on.. (you have no idea)..but.. if not.. maybe in the future we can start fresh when my work/living situation improves? ugh.. im sad... and im sorry. =/"
my reply...
"it's good to hear from u at least i know ur not dead yet coz i told m***** u either better be dead or in the hospital before he can make me go to vegas for his bday.
i totally understand ur crazy schedule coz i've had a crazier one for 5 months and it drove me nuts. i just wished u really would've been honest from the start about everything. the roommate as ex's thing never would've bothered me. i dated several people before in that situation and i never thought anything of it.
when i told u that i love u, i did mean it. u might think it's crazy since we've never met. i didn't say it just because i first heard u say it, but because that's the truth. i said it coz if i die the next day without telling u, then that just sucks. but i don't give my love to just anyone. based on the personality that i got to know you from talking over the phone, i knowingly was taking 100% responsibility if things go south. i would've done a lot and sacrificed a lot for u if i just know exactly what i was getting myself into. i honestly think it would've been a great relationship to begin with coz we're already confronted with big struggles and we'll end up stronger in the end. but i totally understand y u would not be ready, coz im probably not ready myself. i don't think we can really prepare for that anyway.
when u left home when u were sick, i was already determined to really leave it just as friends that's y u never heard from me til today. i don't know if u noticed too that i deleted ur gay facebook but kept ur real one.
i really noticed a big change about u recently. and i honestly didn't like it. i think i would've been hurt more if i continued talking to u like nothing's wrong. i felt like i was a game, that after i told u i really like u too and that i love u, it was game over. and when u made me feel like u weren't ready for it, i really felt like it was a slap to my face that i gave u my heart and u threw it back to me saying u didn't want it. that's what hurt, and that's my truth.
i didnt say all this to make u feel bad. coz i really hope u dont. the situation sucks, but i know u didnt mean it to hurt me. if i dont get hurt, i cant appreciate being loved. so it's not that bad. and i'm really ok. :)
about being friends, let's just see where life takes us. i don't expect anything anymore from u but if u wanna keep in touch, u know how to reach me. i can't promise that i'll be here like before since i will be focusing on improving my situation as well. so take good care of urself and i'll see u next month some time."
his final reply...before the friendly text messages restarted...
"well.. if im being 100% honest.. when I said I loved you.. I meant it. However, it was bitter sweet... cuz.. you didn't know the truth about me and the ex... and i felt like I was misleading you.. and I didnt like it... I also didn't like that my schedule change (although temporary) is/was causing friction between us. Mainly on my part cuz it was effecting the way I was with you..and thats not cool with me. The fact that we have never met and I was already foreseeing us living together and having a kid with you scared me...lol.. you think I'm joking but I'm not... its just.. I've never talked to someone like you.. and its crazy how we clicked.
You've been on my mind a lot... I had a dream about you today infact. Today in particular.. I even had a dream about u. *sigh* I don't know why I'm even telling you this. =/ sorry.
ANYWAY, I'm sorry for putting you through this. I'm sorry I wasnt being truthful. I'm sorry for everything.. i honestly am. I wish we could just start over...but I know i fucked it up... and im sorry. =/
Although I doubt you will like me when we meet next month.. I hope I get to see you finally. You're one of a kind J***.. and you deserve the best.. never forget that."
"I know that you are disappointed in me and you have all right to be. I just really wanted to let you know that I really do like you A LOT, I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now.
Right now work has me crazy. This sleep schedule is really fucking me up and I cant give you the attention you deserve. I wish it were different.
But the biggest thing that has been driving me crazy is that i wasn't being honest with you and I hate myself for it. I should have started talking to you being 100% honest but someone told me that my situation would lure you away from talking to me. What situation you may ask? Well I broke up with my ex not too long ago... and the kicker is that now we are roomates. I tried to tell you before, but I knew that would be the end of us because.. well... I'm sure it wouldn't have been ok with you. No, me and the ex aren't just on a break.. it's been done for a long time. I just feel bad for him because I know that if i were to leave the house right now he would definitely lose the house because he can't afford it on his own. So im giving him 6 months to find roomates so I can leave. Unfortunately, I would probably leave C*** with him. Thats probably the saddest thing for me cuz I really love C***, but I can't bare splitting the brothers apart. ugh. =/
Anyway... I thought you deserved an explanation and the truth. I know you will probably hate me forever.. and I guess I have no one else to blame than myself... but if you can find it in your heart to keep me as a friend than I will be honored. I dont expect you to be there in the future, someone will scoop you up.. you're too good to pass up on.. (you have no idea)..but.. if not.. maybe in the future we can start fresh when my work/living situation improves? ugh.. im sad... and im sorry. =/"
my reply...
"it's good to hear from u at least i know ur not dead yet coz i told m***** u either better be dead or in the hospital before he can make me go to vegas for his bday.
i totally understand ur crazy schedule coz i've had a crazier one for 5 months and it drove me nuts. i just wished u really would've been honest from the start about everything. the roommate as ex's thing never would've bothered me. i dated several people before in that situation and i never thought anything of it.
when i told u that i love u, i did mean it. u might think it's crazy since we've never met. i didn't say it just because i first heard u say it, but because that's the truth. i said it coz if i die the next day without telling u, then that just sucks. but i don't give my love to just anyone. based on the personality that i got to know you from talking over the phone, i knowingly was taking 100% responsibility if things go south. i would've done a lot and sacrificed a lot for u if i just know exactly what i was getting myself into. i honestly think it would've been a great relationship to begin with coz we're already confronted with big struggles and we'll end up stronger in the end. but i totally understand y u would not be ready, coz im probably not ready myself. i don't think we can really prepare for that anyway.
when u left home when u were sick, i was already determined to really leave it just as friends that's y u never heard from me til today. i don't know if u noticed too that i deleted ur gay facebook but kept ur real one.
i really noticed a big change about u recently. and i honestly didn't like it. i think i would've been hurt more if i continued talking to u like nothing's wrong. i felt like i was a game, that after i told u i really like u too and that i love u, it was game over. and when u made me feel like u weren't ready for it, i really felt like it was a slap to my face that i gave u my heart and u threw it back to me saying u didn't want it. that's what hurt, and that's my truth.
i didnt say all this to make u feel bad. coz i really hope u dont. the situation sucks, but i know u didnt mean it to hurt me. if i dont get hurt, i cant appreciate being loved. so it's not that bad. and i'm really ok. :)
about being friends, let's just see where life takes us. i don't expect anything anymore from u but if u wanna keep in touch, u know how to reach me. i can't promise that i'll be here like before since i will be focusing on improving my situation as well. so take good care of urself and i'll see u next month some time."
his final reply...before the friendly text messages restarted...
"well.. if im being 100% honest.. when I said I loved you.. I meant it. However, it was bitter sweet... cuz.. you didn't know the truth about me and the ex... and i felt like I was misleading you.. and I didnt like it... I also didn't like that my schedule change (although temporary) is/was causing friction between us. Mainly on my part cuz it was effecting the way I was with you..and thats not cool with me. The fact that we have never met and I was already foreseeing us living together and having a kid with you scared me...lol.. you think I'm joking but I'm not... its just.. I've never talked to someone like you.. and its crazy how we clicked.
You've been on my mind a lot... I had a dream about you today infact. Today in particular.. I even had a dream about u. *sigh* I don't know why I'm even telling you this. =/ sorry.
ANYWAY, I'm sorry for putting you through this. I'm sorry I wasnt being truthful. I'm sorry for everything.. i honestly am. I wish we could just start over...but I know i fucked it up... and im sorry. =/
Although I doubt you will like me when we meet next month.. I hope I get to see you finally. You're one of a kind J***.. and you deserve the best.. never forget that."
a fun vday...AKA...single ladies day celebration
wednesday midnight was the last time i heard from mr D. didn't message him at all thursday-saturday. i was determined to just wait until he sends me a message in order to keep that "friendship for now" thing going. was he on my mind? definitely. it seems every minute of those days, i was thinking about him -- if he's with his friends, if he's getting enough sleep, if he's thinking about me, if he's angry at me for not saying good morning when i woke up on thursday, and a whole slew of other stuff. but for my sake, i figured i have to do this.
* * *
feb 13...i went to see my bestfriend around the afternoon and we were gonna hang out the whole weekend to celebrate vday (or valentine's day). i got there early. we walked to the gym, walked back to his place to change, had a nice healthy Subway sandwich for dinner, went out shopping for stuff for his place and then went back home to set everything up. by the time we're done, it was almost midnight. i wondered if we can still stay awake to play games. i'm glad we did have some time left. didn't get to shower anymore coz it was really late. i feel stinky but i'm glad i wasn't. yay!
feb 14...valentine's day. or singles' day for me (and my bestfriend). we woke up pretty early for sleeping late. first thing we did before breakfast? played a few rounds of Monopoly on Wii. (it was a very fun game actually, even though i played it so many times as a kid.) then we're off to IHOP for brunch. a little weird coz it's vday and i'm sure it's either family vday or lovers vday. but there we were, bestfriends celebrating it. haha. fun nonetheless. i sent mr D a msg simply saying "happy vday! hope ur alive and kicking!". no response.
feb 14...evening...i got back home finally. i was gonna stay one more night but i still felt kinda crappy. i kinda want to finish off vday celebrating me. as usual, i opened my facebook to play Mafia Wars for a bit, and there it was, a message from mr D, sent feb 13 evening. (the message exchange was few, but long, so i'll put it on another blog post. i think it's too big for this one now.)
i've been single every valentine's day, every year of my adult life. i've had relationships before but they just happen to start after valentine's day, or end just before this special day. i'm kinda used to being alone. it just sucks to feel like that every time. i know that i can handle being by myself, but the thought of being by myself for all years to come scares me, especially being as i am --a gay person who's never gonna get married to a girl and have a family and normal life. being gay is the most normal i could ever be and i have to live with it til i die. *sigh for real*
* * *
feb 13...i went to see my bestfriend around the afternoon and we were gonna hang out the whole weekend to celebrate vday (or valentine's day). i got there early. we walked to the gym, walked back to his place to change, had a nice healthy Subway sandwich for dinner, went out shopping for stuff for his place and then went back home to set everything up. by the time we're done, it was almost midnight. i wondered if we can still stay awake to play games. i'm glad we did have some time left. didn't get to shower anymore coz it was really late. i feel stinky but i'm glad i wasn't. yay!
feb 14...valentine's day. or singles' day for me (and my bestfriend). we woke up pretty early for sleeping late. first thing we did before breakfast? played a few rounds of Monopoly on Wii. (it was a very fun game actually, even though i played it so many times as a kid.) then we're off to IHOP for brunch. a little weird coz it's vday and i'm sure it's either family vday or lovers vday. but there we were, bestfriends celebrating it. haha. fun nonetheless. i sent mr D a msg simply saying "happy vday! hope ur alive and kicking!". no response.
feb 14...evening...i got back home finally. i was gonna stay one more night but i still felt kinda crappy. i kinda want to finish off vday celebrating me. as usual, i opened my facebook to play Mafia Wars for a bit, and there it was, a message from mr D, sent feb 13 evening. (the message exchange was few, but long, so i'll put it on another blog post. i think it's too big for this one now.)
i've been single every valentine's day, every year of my adult life. i've had relationships before but they just happen to start after valentine's day, or end just before this special day. i'm kinda used to being alone. it just sucks to feel like that every time. i know that i can handle being by myself, but the thought of being by myself for all years to come scares me, especially being as i am --a gay person who's never gonna get married to a girl and have a family and normal life. being gay is the most normal i could ever be and i have to live with it til i die. *sigh for real*
Friday, February 12, 2010
feeling crappy
even though i totally want to feel like this now than regret being with mr D later on, i still feel crappy. i guess i did mean it when i told him i love him (after i heard it from him). i thought the feeling was mutual, but i guess it wasn't. *sigh* it's been years since i loved some stranger i forgot how good it felt...and how much it hurts when u don't get loved back.
just thought i'd rant...yet again.
just thought i'd rant...yet again.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
dreamyteller
i guess instead of a story teller, i'll call myself a dreamyteller. i've always had vivid dreams where i am either part of the story as a character or a narrator/viewer. it's almost as if i'm in there living it and experiencing it.
when i used to write for my school paper, i wrote a full page short story about a weird dream of mine about alien abduction where the "cast" include classmates and teachers.
so, i've been thinking about writing stories from my dreams ever since i had my first big dream-story. i haven't done much to the first one other than write out the plot, the characters and split up the chapters. i need more inspiration to write the first one. the setting is somewhere in england or scotland of old times. i dunno, maybe i need to go visit one of these days or read travel books with vivid pictures.
i've had 2 more big dreams after that. both are totally unrelated to the first one. my dreams are one story dreams and not sequels...so far. i bought a digital voice recorder so when i feel like it, i can dictate my story to it. hopefully i get my $40 worth for that little thing.
when i used to write for my school paper, i wrote a full page short story about a weird dream of mine about alien abduction where the "cast" include classmates and teachers.
so, i've been thinking about writing stories from my dreams ever since i had my first big dream-story. i haven't done much to the first one other than write out the plot, the characters and split up the chapters. i need more inspiration to write the first one. the setting is somewhere in england or scotland of old times. i dunno, maybe i need to go visit one of these days or read travel books with vivid pictures.
i've had 2 more big dreams after that. both are totally unrelated to the first one. my dreams are one story dreams and not sequels...so far. i bought a digital voice recorder so when i feel like it, i can dictate my story to it. hopefully i get my $40 worth for that little thing.
i think i'm done...
...with mr D. he definitely has changed.
it is hard enough to keep a relationship exciting when ur next to someone. how much more if ur miles apart? i can definitely tell that something's way different now compared to the first exciting text messages. whether it is from stress that he's experiencing or just plain boredom now, i don't really care much anymore.
he hasn't called me handsome, cute or funny lately. he hasn't laughed much lately either. it seems more of a chore now to send a good morning message with a kiss. the usual "honey, i'm home" message when he gets home from work is gone. i don't get any more little poems and i haven't gotten the forwarded horoscopes either (we have the same sign, i dunno i guess now it's more of a bad thing). and no more baby talk.
i guess thanks to the internet, these teenie weenie eerie feelings can be confirmed quite easily. he's supposed to be feeling sick today so he's going home earlier than usual. the last joke text i sent about grounding him so he can rest, no response. i cleaned the kitchen a bit right after that, then asked him again what time he was going home. no response again. however, somewhere in between that time, he was able to happily answer some questions on his formspring site and change his facebook status to something that's not quite so sickly. so am i wrong for feeling disgusted? at this point, i don't think so.
i'm deleting him from facebook today because i really couldn't care less now about what he does on there. i'm not cutting him off completely...i can't. he's my best friend's close friend so we'll see each other some time next march. if he wants me, he's gonna have to work very hard to get me. i've taken a risk and given my heart to someone physically far away from me. it will take me a while to give my heart again.
**listening to: why do we always hurt the ones we love? by dan hill
it is hard enough to keep a relationship exciting when ur next to someone. how much more if ur miles apart? i can definitely tell that something's way different now compared to the first exciting text messages. whether it is from stress that he's experiencing or just plain boredom now, i don't really care much anymore.
he hasn't called me handsome, cute or funny lately. he hasn't laughed much lately either. it seems more of a chore now to send a good morning message with a kiss. the usual "honey, i'm home" message when he gets home from work is gone. i don't get any more little poems and i haven't gotten the forwarded horoscopes either (we have the same sign, i dunno i guess now it's more of a bad thing). and no more baby talk.
i guess thanks to the internet, these teenie weenie eerie feelings can be confirmed quite easily. he's supposed to be feeling sick today so he's going home earlier than usual. the last joke text i sent about grounding him so he can rest, no response. i cleaned the kitchen a bit right after that, then asked him again what time he was going home. no response again. however, somewhere in between that time, he was able to happily answer some questions on his formspring site and change his facebook status to something that's not quite so sickly. so am i wrong for feeling disgusted? at this point, i don't think so.
i'm deleting him from facebook today because i really couldn't care less now about what he does on there. i'm not cutting him off completely...i can't. he's my best friend's close friend so we'll see each other some time next march. if he wants me, he's gonna have to work very hard to get me. i've taken a risk and given my heart to someone physically far away from me. it will take me a while to give my heart again.
**listening to: why do we always hurt the ones we love? by dan hill
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
"i feel weird"
after playing the "let's just be friends" card to make sure i don't get hurt again like before, the only 3 words that i texted mr D to get us start talking on something was "i feel weird". just like that. the very literal meaning of those words is how i felt exactly at the time.
it is weird, maybe even impossible, for me to treat someone as just a friend when only a few days before that we were feeling a deep connection to each other. so somehow, i had to jump start the conversation. i just want to know for my own personal satisfaction what i did wrong (if any).
i'm glad i brought it up.
i guess mr D has been under a lot of pressure lately about a lot of things -- work, diet, $$ -- and it was overwhelming him. add to that the pressure coming from me that every time he hangs out with his friends, i feel like i'm being ignored. all i wanted to know was if it was too much to ask that i'd rather have him not message me at all when he's with his friends so that way i don't expect him to finish a conversation that started over text. in my mind, i can compromise a lot as long as i know what i'm compromising to. in his defense, i think his biggest mistake is not ignoring my feelings, but rather not opening up to me about his situation. i told him that if he doesn't let me in, i won't be able to understand. so he said he'll try to be more open. and i told him that by him opening up, we can start being friends (which after dating for some time, we really ought to be each other's best friend).
i felt better that night. i was on my way to a party and i brought some romantic cd's with me that i was going to listen to on my way there. i guess it was supposed to make me sad or something...i don't know. i didn't have to play it after that. i hope he felt better too.
it is weird, maybe even impossible, for me to treat someone as just a friend when only a few days before that we were feeling a deep connection to each other. so somehow, i had to jump start the conversation. i just want to know for my own personal satisfaction what i did wrong (if any).
i'm glad i brought it up.
i guess mr D has been under a lot of pressure lately about a lot of things -- work, diet, $$ -- and it was overwhelming him. add to that the pressure coming from me that every time he hangs out with his friends, i feel like i'm being ignored. all i wanted to know was if it was too much to ask that i'd rather have him not message me at all when he's with his friends so that way i don't expect him to finish a conversation that started over text. in my mind, i can compromise a lot as long as i know what i'm compromising to. in his defense, i think his biggest mistake is not ignoring my feelings, but rather not opening up to me about his situation. i told him that if he doesn't let me in, i won't be able to understand. so he said he'll try to be more open. and i told him that by him opening up, we can start being friends (which after dating for some time, we really ought to be each other's best friend).
i felt better that night. i was on my way to a party and i brought some romantic cd's with me that i was going to listen to on my way there. i guess it was supposed to make me sad or something...i don't know. i didn't have to play it after that. i hope he felt better too.
Mulligans (2008)
A not-so-typical gay movie that deals with all the emotions that play around being gay. I like stories like this one where straight and gay coincide, since that's real life. The ending is very appropriate as well given the circumstances. Overall, a good enough movie to be shown in the theaters for all to see so people could see that being gay doesn't mean all eccentric and weird.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
he came, he saw, he conquered...and left?
the initial attraction was there. or was it mere infatuation again?
what is the point of dating anyway? for me, if i'm dating someone who doesn't like me as much right away, it's like i'm courting. i would do things that the person likes and say sweet nothings just to make the person smile. for some, is dating a game? once the chase is over, what happens next?
for someone like mr D who seemed to have fallen for me already, it came as a surprise when he asked us to slow down. it's just so weird that after i gave my heart, he would turn around and throw it back to me and basically tell me he doesn't want it yet. a big slap to my face i would say.
yesterday, i had to tell him that it's better to just stay friends for now until we actually meet in march. he replied, "i thought that's what we were, or?" inasmuch as i would like to explain further, i just said, "then i guess we're cool." i really don't understand now how he would think that we're just friends. i dont think friends kiss each other by text every few messages or so. and i definitely dont think friends would get off from hearing each other moan on the other line.
is it too much to ask for a few things? for someone who likes to be in control every time, im more than willing to compromise. but i have to know what im compromising for. and i have to know what's at stake at least. i don't mind if the person im dating loves to hang out with friends all the time, as long as i know that it's how it's gonna be. i dont mind not receiving any text messages whatsoever while he's hanging out, as long as i know how long im waiting for. i think that's just fair.
what people don't know about me, is how i can be just like that girl in the movie 5oo days of summer. the movie said that she loves only 2 things, her long black hair and how she can cut it off without missing it (or something to that effect). i might say that i love someone, but i can definitely cut someone off completely without flinching much. so hopefully these boys don't be playing with my heart coz i really couldn't care less if i lose them in the end.
what is the point of dating anyway? for me, if i'm dating someone who doesn't like me as much right away, it's like i'm courting. i would do things that the person likes and say sweet nothings just to make the person smile. for some, is dating a game? once the chase is over, what happens next?
for someone like mr D who seemed to have fallen for me already, it came as a surprise when he asked us to slow down. it's just so weird that after i gave my heart, he would turn around and throw it back to me and basically tell me he doesn't want it yet. a big slap to my face i would say.
yesterday, i had to tell him that it's better to just stay friends for now until we actually meet in march. he replied, "i thought that's what we were, or?" inasmuch as i would like to explain further, i just said, "then i guess we're cool." i really don't understand now how he would think that we're just friends. i dont think friends kiss each other by text every few messages or so. and i definitely dont think friends would get off from hearing each other moan on the other line.
is it too much to ask for a few things? for someone who likes to be in control every time, im more than willing to compromise. but i have to know what im compromising for. and i have to know what's at stake at least. i don't mind if the person im dating loves to hang out with friends all the time, as long as i know that it's how it's gonna be. i dont mind not receiving any text messages whatsoever while he's hanging out, as long as i know how long im waiting for. i think that's just fair.
what people don't know about me, is how i can be just like that girl in the movie 5oo days of summer. the movie said that she loves only 2 things, her long black hair and how she can cut it off without missing it (or something to that effect). i might say that i love someone, but i can definitely cut someone off completely without flinching much. so hopefully these boys don't be playing with my heart coz i really couldn't care less if i lose them in the end.
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