warning...this is a rant

ugh...is everyone out to get me? i'm sure no one is out to get me. why do i feel like it though? lately, it seems that certain things said or done by people around me irritate me more than ever.

i know i'm not perfect, but i think people expect me to be. with my current situation right now confused about what i really need to do with my life, i may be overwhelmed by this implied expectation by my family, friends and strangers.

i think people around me expect that i'm problem-free because i don't complain. my reason for not complaining though is not to show a problem-free facade. i'm just trying to avoid rumors from circulating around. past experiences with former friends reveal that the tiniest details about my life can be skewed many times over, spread as gossip, and later used against me. i curtailed that gossip problem (sort of) by keeping most of my information and my activities to myself for the past 3 years. i also don't like complaining to people who can't do anything to uplift me from my dilemmas. i guess i don't want to add more burden to people by adding my little problems. there are more pressing things than our life's little challenges.

so...i wonder how i would get past this? i don't want to just blow up one day on everyone that i care about. i think i just did that today to 2 people closest to me. one is a friend who keeps calling everyday to talk about whatever and the other, my partner.

my friend has been calling everyday, more than 2-3 times at one time, 2-3 times a day hoping that i'll pick up. i do pick up here and there but most of the time, i let it go to voicemail. in case it's important, she can leave a voicemail. if it's not important, i figure, i can call her back later that day or the next day. the one thing i don't like about what she does when i don't pick up is that she would send a guilt text message as to why i'm screening. it's not really that i'm screening...ok fine, i was screening. but i just want to be alone sometimes so i can think clearly about what i need to do with my life. i think she expects me to pick up the phone every time she calls because she knows i'm not working a regular 9-5 job. she's been doing this for the past month. she did it again today. she called twice but i was in class and my phone is on silent. she sent a text saying, "fine, make it a habit to not pick up my calls." i sent her a message saying (rephrased) "what the hell! i was in class. this is not good what you're doing." i didn't really want to blow up on her today, but i already told her before that i don't like guilt messages. my partner doesn't even do that. but now i feel guilty for saying it. should i feel guilty? hmm...maybe when my head clears up, i will talk to her on a serious note. she is a very good friend and she has volunteered a lot of her time and money hanging out with me and some other friends. i just hope that she doesn't feel like i owe her anything. she freely gave her time and money, and i didn't ask for it. she knows i'm tight with "hanging out" money but she wants me to go to little activities. so she would usually fork out for me. i have money, but i'd rather use it for my bills. here and there, i would pay for myself. but most of the time, i just don't go. i'd rather sulk inside the house and not do anything instead of taking someone's money every time and feel obligated that i owe it.

as with my bf...he messaged me asking who someone was that was trying to add him as a friend on facebook. i sternly told him to not add the person because this person used to like me. i thought it would be the end of it. but he went on to say that he was just asking who it was and didn't like being told by me to do something. as his bf, of course i would prefer him to not add the person, that's why i said what i said. but he is still free to do what he wants. he just has to face the consequences if this person will start some drama in the future. i know i was being an asshole with my messages to him, but i just felt like he was being immature about it. i didn't want him to add the guy because i know how gay people operate. boy one likes boy two, but boy two got together with boy three. boy one befriends boy three. gets close. gets information. boy one eventually will say something to boy three that will make boy two fight with boy three. is the information shared by boy one accurate? maybe, maybe not. a simple, almost flawless execution of breaking people up. i recognize these signs right away. that's why i try to prevent it from happening in the first place.

ugghh...gay life...or just life in general. full of surprises. i turned my phone off so my boy and i don't have to go back and forth again. i'll turn it back on and read everything later. maybe even call, not text, so the emotions are clearer.

on threesome, the movie

the story of 3 not-supposed-to-be college roommates was pretty interesting. it's a classic story of a love triangle...or should i say, lust triangle -- girl likes boy, boy likes other boy, other boy likes girl.

it kind of kept me on my seat trying to figure out how the ending would be. i thought it would finish with the girl ending up with the straight guy anyway, which is how normal heterosexual relationships go. though i would've wished that the straight guy will eventually come around and try having sex with the gay guy. but the real ending was more realistic than i thought. i won't say how it ended just in case someone comes across my blog and becomes interested in watching the movie.

it's cool to see more gay-themed movies that are mixed in with straight-themed stories. it's perfect because it is the normal gay life. gay people's lives don't always revolve around being gay. there are other things that do concern our daily lives...work, family, society, self. i'm hoping to encounter more of these normal stories...maybe i'll learn a thing or two out of it. maybe i'll even pick a subject or personal experience and write a story about it.

hoping for a real life latter days experience

in my previous blog, i briefly commented on how i liked the storyline of the movie latter days. i guess it is my fervent wish that someday, i could fall in love against all odds. with the economy in shambles and recession still an ongoing concern, now is a very challenging time for me. but i'm still hoping that the latter days experience will come, somehow.

i'm hoping for it to come, but i doubt that it will. i've been with my partner for about 9 months now. nothing major has changed. we're still together, doing the same things. we both haven't said the magic words yet. i tried to extract it from him several times but he won't budge. in reality, i know that he does love me. the question is, do i love him? or am i just using him as a partner-for-now?

we just hung up the phone after about a 3-hour talk. lots of dead air in that 3 hours. i didn't know how to say certain things. i want to make sure i don't hurt him in any way. his first question was, "if we do end things today, would it hurt me?" my answer...of course it would! next question was, "would it make me cry?" absolutely! i was getting teary eyed as i tried to recall my actions that showed i do care about him, maybe even love him. i'm not a lovey-dovey kind of person so it probably didn't seem to show as much on the phone as he was expecting it to be. i can't blame him though. i'm not so sure myself if i do love him yet or not.

i think there's a lot of things going on in my life that causes me to focus on putting them in order first before my relationship. my priority is to make sure that i can sustain myself financially. with this financial security in place, i would be able to focus more on spending more time with my partner to get to know him more by doing different activities other than the ones we do now (watching movies, eating out, hanging out at home, hanging out with friends, to name a few).

i can honestly say that i do like him a lot otherwise i would not have stayed this long with him. but the latter days feeling? not quite there yet. if he's willing to wait, i'm willing to hang on. but being a sensitive person as he is, he might not want to go through such an uncertainty.