what i like about deutsche

first thing i noticed about him is that he looked exactly like his pictures. and that's always a good thing. i don't look like my pictures a lot of times. at first sight, he seems like a nice sweet guy. of course, i have to go way beyond first looks based on my previous experiences. so i've been observing him the past couple of days that we've been together. and i like what i see so far. *insert happy face here*

main pros...he's good looking, charming, sweet, honest (so far). he likes me, that i can tell. and it's more than words this time. his actions speak the loudest. he came here a month ahead of his scheduled july visit just to see me. 3000 miles away! it's the first time someone has done that for me. he has introduced me to his entire bay area family, and they like me so far as well. actually, he said they like me too much that they keep asking for me. he also knows how tight i am with money that he's been the only one spending money when we hang out. it's really not something that i'm very comfortable with because i'm not used to being treated all the time. but at the same time, i think he will feel rejected if i opt not to hang out only because i can't afford it. i guess he knows my situation enough so if he is willing to fill the gap for now, i have to just let him do it. hopefully my situation changes after i pass my state exams on the 22nd of this month and the next one after that.

main cons...or should i say, the only con, so far...i don't feel anything yet. i hope in time i will because he is someone i can fall for. i guess i am a broken man right now and i feel bad that he is inheriting me as such. the pro side of this con argument though is that i see hope. when we were driving back from monterey, i was looking at his hands on my leg as he was sleeping in the passenger side. and as i was driving with one hand, i was caressing his fingers. given enough time, there is potential that i can fall for him.

he leaves on wed but he will come back in july. he offered to fly me out to florida but i told him i can't stay too long if i go, maybe a week max. i hate the fact that my life is on hold right now and my decisions are dependent on the outcomes of my commitments here. i'm not sure if i would want to go at the expense of him not coming here to see his family. i dont want them to see me as their replacement for deutsche's attention. i would like to be a complement or an addition to his affection. that will keep his family from hating me coming into his life.

i want this to work. i'm trying to be as careful as i possibly can to make sure we do the right things. i don't want to rush anymore. rushing right now will hurt both of us, as i feel like i still have some leftover baggage...or garbage as deutsche calls it. if we can hold out for as long as we could with the only arrangement available for us (which is long distance), there is a great chance we can start our relationship on strong footing.