love is in the air

finally! i met mr D. he was everything i hoped for. and he felt the same way.

i thought at first, he was going to be cold with me. i've been asking him where they would be and his answer was so vague. and he suggested too that in case they're too drunk, meet them at the club so they can hand us the keys, we change and we follow them. that seems a little weird if they would do that to us after driving for over 8 hours. but i figured, i can't stop them from having fun just because we're late.

he said he was so nervous and jumpy before i got there. i thought he was really trying to play it cool coz he didn't think that i still want him. i pretty much followed through on his text message. since i still really like him deep inside, when i gave him a hug to say hello, i kissed him on the neck. he didn't even realize it. we decided to go to the club anyway even though some other friends wanted to rest. while waiting for my other friend to come down, i asked mr D to come closer and i gave him a giant hug. only then that he knew nothing's changed between us. and he's been all over me at the bar.

i've met a lot of his friends and i can see how he loves his friends and how they love him. i realized that he is definitely a very nice guy for all these people to feel like that towards him. he seems very selfless, always thinking about others. hell...he was like our cab driver driving us all over town even though he's so tired.

i'm glad i decided to join my friends in vegas anyway after the whole thing with my friend and mr D. i had a great time and we were all just cracking up almost the entire time. i fell in love all over again with mr D. it just sucks how we have to leave so soon. but at least now, i know in my heart that i do love him and he does love me too. i can be more patient now and wait and see how we can work things out. i told him i'd rather be stable first with my career, and help him be more stable in his finances, then we can figure out where we could move. san diego is our #1 choice. florida would be my second but since his #2 choice is hawaii...i can settle for that. if he can do an internal transfer with his job, it would be better for both of us. that way, we can be together asap, work our butts off then move out some other time (or stay in the area).

mixed emotions

i'm a little excited and at the same time a little scared about finally meeting mr D tomorrow. he's been a little colder than i expected. i'm not quite sure if he's just shielding himself from the possibility that i might not like him in person. it's really a different vibe from what i've felt from his messages. i guess until u see someone in person, u can't let yourself go. both people could just end up getting hurt. what if i like mr D and he still likes me? how the hell are we gonna make it work?

grrr....i really should stop thinking about it and get it over with first. i'm going to be very busy soon starting monday when i start taking licensing classes. that's exactly what i'm gonna need to get over any anxiety over my "failed" relationship with mr D.

not to mention andy...he is starting to creep up into my life too. i heard from my friend that he really likes me. i met andy last saturday with all his friends at brunch. i'm not attracted to him at first sight. he seems too good of a man for me. i'm attracted to the bad boy types (but hopefully have good attitudes). i'd like for us to start off as friends so if it doesn't work out at all, no one will feel uncomfortable if we all hang out still.

alex...i kinda knew after he called me baby on the first few days of meeting that he's probably going to disappear just like ever other boy that called me that. i didn't even hear from him all day today until i messaged him. no good morning and no good night and no how you doin. and i thought i could fall for him if he kept up his sweet nothings. i won't fall for him unless he continues to do it. apparently, he's kinda over me though. i can feel it. and i feel nothing.

*sigh* maybe i'm just a heartless person incapable of loving (guys for relationships). could this be the consequence of being gay? *sigh sigh sigh* right now, i just wish that i'm straight. i'm sure there's problems too but not as much as being gay. no need for societal acceptance and all that crap.

okay, gotta finish packing.

taking a giant career leap forward

i called this manager of a mutual fund company this morning letting him know that i'm ready to start the process and asking him if they are still interested in hiring me. so i'm coming in on monday to fill up my paperwork and start my schooling. usually takes about 2 months he said but since i'm taking mine online, i'll try to fast track it. there's other things i need to do in the mean time. i have to talk to people i know and let them know what i'm planning on doing so i can contact them in the future, i start making new friends, form my network (for real now) of service providers for partnerships, create a sustainable marketing plan and get into the habit of updating my future contact schedule with everyone i meet.

i definitely have to get on the time tracking habit so i can figure out how much time i spend on studying and how much time i spend just for other stuff. they said it takes 21 days to start a habit. i'm 3 days into tracking my time and stopped doing it. let's see after my vegas trip this weekend if i can jump start it again from monday onward.

time tracking

i started tracking my time today (thank God for smart phones it makes it so much easier now). from the time i woke up this morning, i started logging in my calendar exact start and end times for every single thing that i've done today...and yes, that includes facebooking and blogging. notice that it's 2 separate tasks. that way, i'll know exactly how much time i spent...say, just facebooking. i hope this helps me prioritize my daily activities. at the end of the day, i have to log in the number of minutes spent for each task and total it every week. with that said, i have to finish this blog and create a "form" on google docs so i can log it there and access it anywhere.

woohoo! i love technology!

the halfway meeting that will never be

we were supposed to meet halfway today so we'll know once and for all if we like each other. that's not gonna happen now coz i got mean to mr D. i did apologize already and he accepted. so that's a good sign, at least i know i'm wrong about him and me not being friends after everything.

about our trip to vegas...i'm leaning more towards going now. #1 reason is that it is my best friend's birthday and it's been pre-planned forever. #2 reason is to meet mr D, even though i asked him to give me about 2-3 weeks to get over him before we start communicating again. #3 reason...to relax and let my mind breathe a little bit.

i asked my best friend to not tell mr D and our other friend rayray that i'm coming. it'll just be a surprise. if he tells mr D, then mr D might try to contact me before next week...and that won't be healthy for me. i guess it's too late now to wait 2-3 weeks before any interaction. hopefully a week will be enough for me to kinda set aside any feelings i had so we can genuinely try to start a friendship.

goals redefined

so...i have 7 areas in my life i have identified that needs to be redefined. i need to come up with a "healthy" realistic goal for each area. the goals i'll put on here will still be a bit broad, but i'll narrow it down one by one, specifying an action plan for each goal and an achievable deadline. i'll also have to go back eventually and list the end result when the deadline is over. this is going to be a work in progress so i'll probably have to keep editing this particular post.

1) job/career
what industry/industries i'm willing to be in
what cities/area i'm willing to work at
how many applications a week

2) school/education
what degree/s i'm willing to pursue
what industry i'm willing to enter
financial aid available
work while going to school?

3) health/wellness
what result i want
how many days per week i'm going to workout
how i can incorporate working out to future schedules

4) relationship
date/not date?

5) business
set up business plans

6) home
organize chores
organize the house
furnish the house
fix the landscape

7) personal/spiritual
church
managing personal finances

that's it for now. i'll have to keep going back from now on and update this.

coming soon: goals

i'm going to start sleeping earlier than i used to so i can do more things during the day. one of the most important things i have to do tomorrow, or should i say, later, is to write my goals down, my action plan for those goals and my deadline. writing it down will give me a chance to look back and check which goals i accomplished. and if i didnt accomplish a goal, i need to look back and see what i need to do to complete it, no matter how late.

my tears almost came crashing down

i read my message exchange with mr D on facebook last february and it almost made me cry. this love story of ours is one of the saddest ever for me, i swear. he said this at the end of his first message, "

Aunque usted no lo crea, esta es una de las cosas más difíciles que he tenido que hacer. Eres completamente maravilloso y me mata que las cosas no son lo que yo quiero que sean."

which means

"Although you may not believe this is one of the hardest things I had to do. You are completely awesome, and it kills me that things are not what I want to be."

and his last message after mine, he said, "Although I doubt you will like me when we meet next month.. I hope I get to see you finally. You're one of a kind *Jake.. and you deserve the best.. never forget that."

* * *

i know in my heart now that mr D and i would not have worked right now however which way i look at it. the only way to do this was to end it. but i guess i didn't end it on a good note. so, after saying those few mean words last sat night, i felt compelled to take it all back and apologize. it shouldn't have been that way at all. i know i'll need a lot of time apart from him so i can get over this love that i untimely feel for him.

im such a lazy mudda today

i didn't used to be like this. but today, just like most other days in the past few weeks, i've been really lazy to do anything. i could've started running outside my neighborhood today, applied at a few more places, redo/polish my resume, followed up on the real estate stuff, started on a business plan for my online biz i'm trying to start with a friend and do laundry. *sigh sigh and another sigh* what will tomorrow bring?

this whole not working thing is not good for me. i remember when i used to work full time, i would go to the gym for an hour before work and go to my classes after work. i would cram everything i need to do during the week so my weekends are free for hanging out with friends or just resting.

i need to reconfigure my goals and write them down, decide on an action plan for each and finalize my time frame. and whether or not i meet it, what my reward/punishment is for myself. i'll do this tomorrow and put it down in writing. i have lots of stuff to consider with each decision.

a door closes, a window (or two) opens

as i shut the door on mr D, alex comes right on by. he stopped by last saturday just to see me for a bit. before he left, he gave me orange juice...and to my surprise, a white rose in a little bouquet. sweet nothings are my weakness. keep it up and alex could have my heart soon. im just a little worried now coz even though he's here now, he just got a job offer to work out of state.

uggh...just my luck.

i like our start though. we began our getting to know stage in complete honesty. he told me his whole story about why he's available. i told him about mr D. oh, and he told me he was also talking to another guy. i really, really appreciate that he can tell me everything and not conceal any fact...even though he's taking a risk of driving me away with those facts. i know it's way too soon to even think about it...but he wants to take me with him. i told him i can't be out of work coz i have bills to pay (and i won't let anyone pay my bills unless i know they're super rich and the love is mutual). he said i can stay with him while i look. it may sound very appealing at the moment considering mr D is practically gone. i just don't want alex to be a rebound.

so for now, we'll keep going as it is. get to know each other a bit more. maybe when he starts his job, he can fly me out there and check out the area if i'll like it. it'll be something to consider.

* * *

some friends last night were asking me who i'm with now. when they found out i'm still single, one of them flashed a big smile on her face. it just happens that she's trying to find her cousin someone nice to date. i'll call him andy. he's 37, half white, half filipino. i saw the pictures, they were okay, for now. that's a good thing. if ever i get to know him and i like him, he's gonna look awesome! i told her she can give my phone number and if he can text me and say hello to start, i'll go along with it. i just don't like to start the text conversation coz im very very shy. she's also planning a little dinner or get together so it's a safe environment to meet. we'll see how this one goes as well.

* * *

i really hope i find a job soon. if i still don't get this job i recently applied for, i might just go for the independent contractor position at this mutual fund company. it will take me 2 months to go through the schooling and get my securities licenses, but it might be the perfect time for it. if it doesn't work out and i get dropped from their guaranteed program, it will be easier for me to get into jobs that i REALLY love, which is investment selling and financial planning.

DECIDE DECIDE DECIDE SOON JAKE!

damn it, i'm still sad

i'm so heartbroken...damn it! damn it! damn it! why did i ever let myself go?

*sigh* i hope this doesn't last forever coz it's worse now that i'm not doing much. i still look at mr D's pictures and his formspring...even though it hurts every time. i deleted his facebook profile and all his messages and pictures on my phone so i don't go crazy looking at them and hurting myself in the process. i hope it comes sooner rather than later that i can learn to accept the fact that it just would not have worked. and maybe then, i can learn to be friends with him. *heavier sigh*

* * *

on a nice note, i apologized to my friend for being a little mean to him. this is what i wrote..."Sorry if i was being mean last time. I just have a lot of things on my mind. I really would've loved to celebrate and party but since I don't see it happening, maybe we'll do something small here. Don't worry abt not greeting me on my bday. Ur right abt that, that we weren't in touch. I was just being the big bitch that u were supposed to be lol."

i have forgotten what it was like to apologize. it makes me feel better when i do it. i should try to do it more often coz lately im starting to feel a little more negativity than usual. im sure it has a lot to do with my career and my love life. i just don't know why i feel so poor when i still have some savings left to keep me solvent for another 5-6 months.

friends can be lovers, but lovers can't be friends

true for the most part in my opinion. i'm sure there are exceptions.

but mr D and i can not even be friends. i think my love for this guy was real enough that it hurts to even see his picture or talk to him about random stuff. we're supposed to be friends but he can't hide the fact that he does like me to a point. it's just so weird and different now to how he was before.

after drinking so many shots of hard liquor last night...i just had a major realization --he's not what i want. i'd rather be single than have to go through all this heartache and headache...wanting and waiting for him to be the same way as before. i forwarded most of his past messages just to make him see what his messages were like. he said there's no need. i wonder why. i guess he's not concerned at all, that's what it seems like. i did it anyway. he said he never got any of them. go figure. i told him i'm tired of lies and empty promises. and this time, for sure, he's lying about not getting them. forwarded messages are just like any other text message. why would he get my regular text messages and not the forwarded ones? strange...

i'm done. no more chances. i gave him 3. i thought 3rd time's a charm and maybe he will come around. i guess i was wrong.

if u love someone, u gotta learn to let them go

and this time, i'm following my own advice.

i let mr D go today. we're both not financially ready to make a major move to make things work. emotionally, even though i'm ready, i know he's not. he has way more issues to deal with than me. his friends are his life and for me to try to compete for a little attention, it just won't work for me. it would be different if we lived together and he would go with his friends. i'll know he's still coming home to me and i won't feel bad at all with him hanging with friends. it was a very hard decision to make. but one i feel like i have to make now or never. i don't want to have to feel like crap every time he takes forever to respond to me when he's out with friends.

so officially, we're just friends now. i asked him to reserve the phone kisses and the sweetness for later. when he's ready and i'm still available, get at me then. if i'm not available, then we'll just be friends for real. it is a big risk he has to take. now that alex is trying to be a part of my life, mr D will have a harder time by the time he feels he's ready. it doesn't help either that i might not see him this month at all since it will be way too expensive for me to party with him and my best friend. he said maybe not til after may. that's way too long for me. i already wanted to see him in person before so we can tell if there's chemistry or not before we proceed further.

honestly though, if he refused to be let go and promised me instead that things will be different from now on, i would've accepted him 100% and from here, start the process of making "us" work. but he didn't. that just confirms what i've felt all this time about him not being ready.