change is good

i just changed my template. it looks brighter now. my old template looks dark and sad. i need to think happy thoughts as i mentioned earlier.

hopefully...this helps.

am i ready to hit the scene again?

dejavu. a failed third relationship. what's next? a new boyfriend. then good times, bad times. and then another break up? when will the cycle end?

yesterday was not a good day at all. i was feeling under the weather all day. i had to ask dj a very important question, "how do you feel ever since we "got back together?" for this whole week, i largely ignored dj. i wanted to see what he would do to try to keep me and give me that push to love him back. nothing.

i figured i could not let this go on especially that i am eyeing another possibility. i would hate to put myself in a situation where i could cheat. i don't think i can forgive myself for that. and i don't know what i'll do if i get myself in that situation again.

dj ended it, by text. as tough and as tacky as it was to text a breakup, that is exactly what we did. i'm not sure if i could break up with dj in person. it would break my heart to see him cry again. but at the same time, i don't want to stay with him only because i feel sorry. that's not love. it's not fair for both of us that way. we both deserve better. i cried. i didn't think i would. but i was sad. i have gotten used to having dj around.

knox definitely is a consideration. but i think i have to hit the brakes and go as slow as possible. he wasn't as responsive yesterday as he was before. we usually would be sending messages back and forth right away. one message i sent it took a couple of hours of waiting and still no response. i finally sent a message to see if he's sleeping and i guess he's not. sent him another message right after...no response. it is too early to tell what he's up to...or vice versa for him. i know he's not feeling well too so that could be another reason. we're not committed in any way so i don't have any reason to complain. i just wished that he would have been more responsive yesterday because i needed to think happy thoughts. i'll just look forward to seeing him on sunday again. and some time this week to watch a show.

so what now?

the breakup is done. no turning back. i met knox. he's here to stay now i hope, at the very least, as a friend. i have to decide what i really want for my career. i have to go back to hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. i have to move soon. i want to take a vacation before starting a new job. i need to go back to church every sunday...going to church helps me think in solitude.

sigh.....

getting closer to my move back home

i left home for 2 reasons. #1 reason, i want to start feeling independent. #2, i want to avoid fights or arguments with my family.

technically, i've always lived with my family. it's been comfortable. not that anyone does anything special for me, but i'm comfortable with the people around me. i know my family very well and they know me...or at least they know many things about me. somehow though, being around family still gives me that feeling that i am not in full control of my life...that any minute, my family can come into the picture and make my decisions for me. i wanted to get out of that situation and try something different. the arguments are also starting to become more frequent. i love my family and i thought it would be best that we don't see each other much so we can live our own lives with no one watching over our shoulders.

however, with the economy in recession, i think it is a wise decision to come back home. for now, at least. my family is not charging me rent to stay with them which will help me conserve my savings. all i have to contribute would be groceries. i have my own room, and almost my own bathroom. i know that my family's way of living sometimes do not conform to my standards. in simple words, they are not as clean as i am. dishes pile up. the stove is not cleaned after it's been used. the carpet is not vacuumed as often. not having a job right now, i can help them clean up as much as i could. and hopefully, some of my ways could rub off on them. i'm looking at being here for maybe 4-6 months, depends on when i get a job.

and when i do get a job, i'm hoping to either work closer to the city. that way, if things work out betwen knox and i, it won't be too much of a hastle to see each other. i know i'm thinking way forward too, but if things do work out, maybe knox and i could share an apartment. it will benefit him because he will save money. it will benefit the relationship because we get to spend more time together. it will benefit me because it will make me feel independent from my family again.

first lunch, then a movie

my anxiety came to a stop when knox tapped me on my shoulder. he came up from behind me as i was standing outside a store at the mall. he looked almost exactly like his pictures -- tall, sexy, a little rough looking. i wasn't quite sure if the chemistry was there right away. i was so shy i could hardly look him in the eye.

we only had an hour to chill. we went downstairs to the food court to grab something to eat. as i paid for my stuff, i noticed this Godiva chocolate pearl that they had on display (for impulse buyers like me). i grabbed one, not for me, but for knox. he mentioned that he does have a sweet tooth.

lunch was casual. we just chatted our hearts out while eating. i was having soup and avocado rolls. i should've just bought the soup so i had time to talk instead of chewing the whole time. few more bites...and then it's time to go. i guess time flies when you're having fun.

i walked him back to his work and said our goodbyes. we didn't set any future date to meet again. i guess, if we were gonna start as friends, setting future meet ups won't really matter as we're only a text message/phone call away from each other. we gave each other a nice tight hug and i slid the chocolate in his pocket. i told him that'll keep him occupied when he's bored at work.

i walked back to the store. i just walked around for a bit before going home. i almost got sold a teeth whitening package too. i wasn't sure if he was glad to have met me coz he hasn't sent a message yet. usually, people would have sent a message saying, "it was nice to meet you today." or something like that. i sent him a message. no response. i wasn't tripping or anything since it's only our first meeting. but he did response later on. maybe he was just busy or something.

the usual happened as i was travelling back to my house. we would be messaging each other again back and forth. i guess sometimes, my messages are starting to be a bit more forthcoming than before -- giving him compliments and saying nicer things about him. and then the big question came..."when are we meeting up again?" i asked if thursday or friday would be good. he agreed to thursday. we're going to have dinner/light snacks and watch a movie.

that's tomorrow. i'm still with dj...technically. i'm trying to find the right words to let him go without hurting him too much. but i guess no matter how i try, it will still hurt him. it is best to do it sooner than later coz i really haven't seen enough effort on his part anyway. i have not talked to dj for about 3 days now, only text messages. for a boyfriend, that seems kind of unusual, like we're so detached from each other now. i hope he would take me as a friend still. i still care for him and i would still want to be there for him if he needs help. he's still a young man and has not had too many challenges in life yet other than maybe a school final he hasn't fully prepared for. the least i can do is be some sort of a leader for him, since i happen to have experienced so much in life that it pays for people to learn from my experiences.

i think i should do it tomorrow, before i meet up with knox. so that way, i won't feel guilty that i'm hiding something from both of them.

from my not so distant past to my present

from my previous blog, one of the people i sent a hello message to was this guy (we'll call him knox for now) that i met a few months before i started talking to my current boyfriend (we'll call him dj). i met knox online when he was still in a relationship. i was looking for a friend/relationship, he was looking for friendship. he just moved to the area. i remember that we talked for almost 3 hours online about random things, not mentioning once that i found him very attractive (to respect his relationship).

a few months later, knox broke up with his boyfriend. at the same time, i started talking to dj because knox and i weren't really talking much after our chat. one day i think in one of our random conversations, i mentioned something about the breakup that knox didn't like. and he didn't respond. i thought he got upset but i didn't care much if he did because i was too caught up with dj now. then dj and i got together and totally forgot about knox.

from that point on til 8 months later, a lot of things happened in my life. i quit my job to start a new one. that didn't work out so i quit that and started another one. the work hours (plus a host of other problems i discussed in previous blogs) weren't working for me so i quit that one too. then the breakup happened. sent knox a hello message and he responded. i guess he still remembers me somehow, or he was just being polite, who knows.

dj and i have gotten back together since that hello message. knox and i also have gotten back in touch again. reminiscent of our prior 3 hour long online chat, we have exchanged approximately 700+ random messages. we have talked about a variety of different things, from travelling and family to boys and made up stories. the conversation seem more open now between knox and i. i did confirm that he is still single. and we are meeting for lunch tomorrow.

a big question hangs above my head...is it possible to fall for someone after only 5 days of random messaging? right now, it is only a question. i know that knox is very attractive and totally my type. i still have to get to know him as a person to see if we can even get along as friends. i have to admit...i do get excited every time i receive a message from him. if he does ask about me, i will tell him the truth that i am in relationship again, though shaky now after the breakup. i guess my approach to knox will be that of friendship. i think that will be the best way for him to open up to me, and me to him.

who am i kidding? is this my way of testing the waters? was i using my personal problems as an excuse as to why i still haven't felt love for dj? should i let him go? i was going to wait til after the holidays because it might seem cruel to break up before Christmas. but at the same time, is it more cruel to wait til after Christmas if i know that i feel no love for dj? i mean, i did ask him to do things i might like and he voluntarily took the risk of me not reciprocating still. is it fair for knox if i would hold back now?

i'll have to wait til i see knox tomorrow. if the energy is there, i think it would be prudent and wise to let dj go. almost a year has passed and i don't think i should waste any more time if knox could be the one i was waiting for all this time. it might be worth it for me to take a risk with knox and at the same time, keep the friendship with dj. i've seen too many happy endings. I think it's time for me to make my own.

between nov 18 and now

wow...lots of things happened in that time that i was gone away from the blogging world. the main event that rocked my world (in a not so good way) is the breakup a week ago.

i think i saw it coming. i mentioned in my nov 5th blog that i wasn't sure if i love my boy yet or not. i guess he kind of sees it the same way. he's unsure if he should stay in a relationship where he is not loved. i can't blame him. i don't think i would want that either. the catalyst that brought upon the breakup is really a minor event. that morning, i went off for an event and he used my computer, which was available for him to use anyway. he knows the password. i guess he went through my pictures album by album. he saw a couple of pictures of other men in one of my random albums. he asked me later on who they were and i told him. those were just pictures that i've kept from past emails and i was starting to delete the emails but kept the pictures. i never hooked up with any of those people and i have no plan on hooking up even later down the road. he might be uncomfortable with me having those pictures but i told him that i could delete them but what would stop me from looking at other pictures after that day? we were going back and forth on the phone about that. finally he said he's done. so i said fine...and hung up. and that was it...i thought. i guess we really did break up. sadness and guilt filled my heart. at the same time, relief. i guess i was relieved that we ended our relationship not because of a third person, but because it wasn't working out. somehow i felt okay about it. at least i don't have to trouble him with all my worries about my personal life anymore. i thought maybe now i can focus on my life.

the next day, i sent him a message of apology. i apologized for being harsh at times. it's not fair for him that i was harsh. he just happened to be there whenever i was having a bad day. it was no excuse for my behavior. i just wished that he would not be mad at me forever. at the same time, it's not fair for him to stay in a relationship where he is not loved.

the response i got was also part apology, part closure. he apologized for going through my stuff. he really shouldn't have because i trusted him with all my information and personal documents. he also wished that i reciprocated the love that he felt for me. but now he knows there's probably someone better for him out there. i read the message but i didn't respond anymore. i didn't know how to.

that same day, i was driving around to do some important errands. on my way to my destination, he called me but i didn't pick it up. he sent me a couple of messages. he asked if we could talk in person. i agreed. i told him i'd be back shortly and he could meet me at my house. time passed, and i made my way home and he came. i asked what he wanted to talk about. i wasn't quite sure what he wanted since we had already broken up. this was the conversation that ensued.

him: i was mad. i never meant to break up. i never wanted it to end. did u want it to end?
me: i was comfortable with our situation.
him: you already know that i love you. would you like to reach that point where you would love me?
me: yes, who would not want to love and be loved.

i explained to him that although he felt that he loved me, he was too careful to show it. on my part, i didn't love him yet so i could not possibly show anything for it. i told him that he could be more honest with his feelings by saying exactly how he feels, and showing me that he does love me. hopefully, this will help me get to where he's at. he should be doing things that i like...random things that he thinks might seem sweet (and corny at times). i, for one, loves it when someone sings to me. i like surprises. i don't mind being given red roses (as long as it's at my house). i like random notes left on my car, my books, my computer. and maybe i like a whole bunch of other stuff.

him: is it worth it for me to do all that?
me: it's the risk you'll have to take.
him: then, i'd like to take that risk. are we done now?

so, we're back together again...for now at least. i am comfortable with our situation, no doubt.

in that short time that i really thought our relationship was over, when i thought i was single again, i happened to go through my phone list and sent random messages to people i have met in the past that i thought i would like to be friends with again. i'll have to blog about it in another article because this is getting too long i might even get bored reading it myself.

warning...this is a rant

ugh...is everyone out to get me? i'm sure no one is out to get me. why do i feel like it though? lately, it seems that certain things said or done by people around me irritate me more than ever.

i know i'm not perfect, but i think people expect me to be. with my current situation right now confused about what i really need to do with my life, i may be overwhelmed by this implied expectation by my family, friends and strangers.

i think people around me expect that i'm problem-free because i don't complain. my reason for not complaining though is not to show a problem-free facade. i'm just trying to avoid rumors from circulating around. past experiences with former friends reveal that the tiniest details about my life can be skewed many times over, spread as gossip, and later used against me. i curtailed that gossip problem (sort of) by keeping most of my information and my activities to myself for the past 3 years. i also don't like complaining to people who can't do anything to uplift me from my dilemmas. i guess i don't want to add more burden to people by adding my little problems. there are more pressing things than our life's little challenges.

so...i wonder how i would get past this? i don't want to just blow up one day on everyone that i care about. i think i just did that today to 2 people closest to me. one is a friend who keeps calling everyday to talk about whatever and the other, my partner.

my friend has been calling everyday, more than 2-3 times at one time, 2-3 times a day hoping that i'll pick up. i do pick up here and there but most of the time, i let it go to voicemail. in case it's important, she can leave a voicemail. if it's not important, i figure, i can call her back later that day or the next day. the one thing i don't like about what she does when i don't pick up is that she would send a guilt text message as to why i'm screening. it's not really that i'm screening...ok fine, i was screening. but i just want to be alone sometimes so i can think clearly about what i need to do with my life. i think she expects me to pick up the phone every time she calls because she knows i'm not working a regular 9-5 job. she's been doing this for the past month. she did it again today. she called twice but i was in class and my phone is on silent. she sent a text saying, "fine, make it a habit to not pick up my calls." i sent her a message saying (rephrased) "what the hell! i was in class. this is not good what you're doing." i didn't really want to blow up on her today, but i already told her before that i don't like guilt messages. my partner doesn't even do that. but now i feel guilty for saying it. should i feel guilty? hmm...maybe when my head clears up, i will talk to her on a serious note. she is a very good friend and she has volunteered a lot of her time and money hanging out with me and some other friends. i just hope that she doesn't feel like i owe her anything. she freely gave her time and money, and i didn't ask for it. she knows i'm tight with "hanging out" money but she wants me to go to little activities. so she would usually fork out for me. i have money, but i'd rather use it for my bills. here and there, i would pay for myself. but most of the time, i just don't go. i'd rather sulk inside the house and not do anything instead of taking someone's money every time and feel obligated that i owe it.

as with my bf...he messaged me asking who someone was that was trying to add him as a friend on facebook. i sternly told him to not add the person because this person used to like me. i thought it would be the end of it. but he went on to say that he was just asking who it was and didn't like being told by me to do something. as his bf, of course i would prefer him to not add the person, that's why i said what i said. but he is still free to do what he wants. he just has to face the consequences if this person will start some drama in the future. i know i was being an asshole with my messages to him, but i just felt like he was being immature about it. i didn't want him to add the guy because i know how gay people operate. boy one likes boy two, but boy two got together with boy three. boy one befriends boy three. gets close. gets information. boy one eventually will say something to boy three that will make boy two fight with boy three. is the information shared by boy one accurate? maybe, maybe not. a simple, almost flawless execution of breaking people up. i recognize these signs right away. that's why i try to prevent it from happening in the first place.

ugghh...gay life...or just life in general. full of surprises. i turned my phone off so my boy and i don't have to go back and forth again. i'll turn it back on and read everything later. maybe even call, not text, so the emotions are clearer.

on threesome, the movie

the story of 3 not-supposed-to-be college roommates was pretty interesting. it's a classic story of a love triangle...or should i say, lust triangle -- girl likes boy, boy likes other boy, other boy likes girl.

it kind of kept me on my seat trying to figure out how the ending would be. i thought it would finish with the girl ending up with the straight guy anyway, which is how normal heterosexual relationships go. though i would've wished that the straight guy will eventually come around and try having sex with the gay guy. but the real ending was more realistic than i thought. i won't say how it ended just in case someone comes across my blog and becomes interested in watching the movie.

it's cool to see more gay-themed movies that are mixed in with straight-themed stories. it's perfect because it is the normal gay life. gay people's lives don't always revolve around being gay. there are other things that do concern our daily lives...work, family, society, self. i'm hoping to encounter more of these normal stories...maybe i'll learn a thing or two out of it. maybe i'll even pick a subject or personal experience and write a story about it.

hoping for a real life latter days experience

in my previous blog, i briefly commented on how i liked the storyline of the movie latter days. i guess it is my fervent wish that someday, i could fall in love against all odds. with the economy in shambles and recession still an ongoing concern, now is a very challenging time for me. but i'm still hoping that the latter days experience will come, somehow.

i'm hoping for it to come, but i doubt that it will. i've been with my partner for about 9 months now. nothing major has changed. we're still together, doing the same things. we both haven't said the magic words yet. i tried to extract it from him several times but he won't budge. in reality, i know that he does love me. the question is, do i love him? or am i just using him as a partner-for-now?

we just hung up the phone after about a 3-hour talk. lots of dead air in that 3 hours. i didn't know how to say certain things. i want to make sure i don't hurt him in any way. his first question was, "if we do end things today, would it hurt me?" my answer...of course it would! next question was, "would it make me cry?" absolutely! i was getting teary eyed as i tried to recall my actions that showed i do care about him, maybe even love him. i'm not a lovey-dovey kind of person so it probably didn't seem to show as much on the phone as he was expecting it to be. i can't blame him though. i'm not so sure myself if i do love him yet or not.

i think there's a lot of things going on in my life that causes me to focus on putting them in order first before my relationship. my priority is to make sure that i can sustain myself financially. with this financial security in place, i would be able to focus more on spending more time with my partner to get to know him more by doing different activities other than the ones we do now (watching movies, eating out, hanging out at home, hanging out with friends, to name a few).

i can honestly say that i do like him a lot otherwise i would not have stayed this long with him. but the latter days feeling? not quite there yet. if he's willing to wait, i'm willing to hang on. but being a sensitive person as he is, he might not want to go through such an uncertainty.

on latter days, the movie

i haven't really seen too many gay-themed movies that are as interesting as regular movies. most gay movies that i've seen are over-the-top, sex- or drug-themed or just downright untrue. latter days, however, has a pretty cool storyline mixed with cool coincidences that are not far from happening in real life.

in the beginning of the movie, i thought it would be one of those other flicks that talk about looking good, going to the gym, all-night partying and after-party sex. i guess it's reality for some people just coming out and confused about what the gay community expects them to be. when someone comes along that's a little bit hard to get, the challenge starts. that's where the movie started getting more interesting.

in the gay world where it's so easy to get laid, it is refreshing to watch a movie like latter days that shows these things do have an end. that even the best looking and most popular gay boys who party all night will not want to party forever.

it's also cool for this movie to tackle the religion side. all too often, people who stick to their religious beliefs word for word eventually becomes hypocrites. it's true. how can someone who claims to be close to God tell other people that God hates them or does not accept them because of what they are? after all, if God did not like gay people, there won't be millions of gay boys and lesbian girls in existence. i'm going to blog later about how i would wish to mix spirituality and sexuality.

overall, i give this movie a 4.5 star rating. i would've given this a 5 if they picked a better looking main character.

most posts in a day...sounds like a mafia wars achievement

i just realized that my purpose for setting up this blog was to keep in touch with a guy who was miles away from me. i felt so much of a connection with this person that i decided that same day to set up this blog so he can get a glimpse of what my life is like on this side of the world and hear my thoughts on random stuff. too bad i didn't keep up the blogging. i missed telling him what happened to me in that 3 year gap. and now, i hardly even remember what happened to me during that time.

made me smile though after i re-read my first few posts with some comments from him. i never came across those comments before. i didn't really know how to use this blog thing back then. kinda sad to have lost touch with him. i dunno if he still remembers me...

a pattern of behavior emerges

my boy called me jack. i had to ask why, even though i really know the answer. i guess i just want to hear what someone has to say about me. it's always good to have a third person critique us from time to time.

usually, we're more critical of ourselves than others are of us. my criticism of me...it sucks to be smart+more. wondering about the +more? here, let me help you out.

• i'm attractive - the usual tall, dark and handsome guy next door (not Brad Pitt by all means but can turn heads here and there)
  
• i'm athletic - i was a jock during my entire school life
• i'm a good chef/cook - i can whip up a great dish for a main course or a few desserts

just looking at that, i think i have become a jack of all trades, but master of none. because of what i know (or think i know) my interests have varied wildly. one day, i would think about becoming a doctor. another day, a police officer. and yet another day, a businessman. what do i really want to become? beats me. if i know the answer to this question, i would've been doing something that i'm really passionate about by now. and with the least complaints.

not that i'm complaining now...but i seem to know a little bit of everything. and it is scary. i really don't know how to focus on one thing and stick with it. i'm scared that i would eventually be too old to go to school to earn a degree on something that i really like. or that it might be too late to switch to another career without jeopardizing my future retirement.

i'll try to analyze this eventually but for now i'll list some questions that i need to ask myself.

• do i care what other people really think about me?
• am i worried about the future more than the present?
• what have i done in the past that made me feel happy and fulfilled?
• what have i done in the past that made me feel otherwise?
• do i listen to others more than myself?
• what is it that i do best? worst?

i guess that's enough questions for now. i need some rest.

i did it...now what?

so last night, i talked to one of the bosses. i told him straight up that there is too much pressure to work long hours and that this may not be the best fit for me. i'm glad he appreciated my honesty. he actually thought i could be one of the better people there to succeed which was flattering...to a certain extent.

now what? he offered me to hang on as a part timer. they don't give me any more leads but i can still offer their products. sounds like a good compromise. pressure's gone. the trade-off? no more clients to see. i have to find my own. back to square one. it is a good compromise because now i have the flexibility to go to any interview for a new job anytime...at the same time, if i sell anything, i get to make a few more bucks before i commit to another 9-5 job.

...

on a different note, today was relaxing. my boy and i just drove around, shopped for food ingredients. after months of planning, i finally gathered enough strength to stop being lazy and tried something new with my cookie recipe. success! now i just have to buy a non stick cookie sheet to bake it on instead of wax paper so it doesn't stick and ruin the cookie bottom. my goal is to have at least 10 different but tasty variations of the cookie. the holidays are coming. i don't want to miss the joy of selling my cookies.

nice try

everything at work is supposed to be okay now...or so i hoped. after saying something about the uncomfortable things that people do, it seems that it has backfired somehow. on the outside, it looks like everyone's doing the right thing again. but i'm positive that deep inside, nothing has changed. they just have to be more quiet about it. i'm no stranger to tracking questionable activities. all i do is observe people's behavior and i can tell if something's going on.

another thing that's missing in this company is support. i have asked several times about supplies, information and alternative marketing tips. the only response i got is "keep calling, keep calling." jeez...i'm not about to waste my time calling people who i know for a fact will never knowingly pick up after i have called their phone 10 times or more in the past 2-3 days.

anyway, i might leave this new office as soon as possible. maybe i'll just relax while i'm looking for a real career. this time, i'm going for something that i know i could be passionate about.

i just need to kind of wing it by this week and wait til i get my check on monday. then let them know that "it was great working for you guys. but i don't think it's for me." we'll see how it goes.

am i being a pessimist?

oftentimes, i ask myself this question...am i being a pessimist? or do i just always wish that i live in utopia and that everything should work the way they're supposed to be?

the world is not perfect. i know that. but im not sure if it's just me or if it's everyone around me...but i always seem to notice defects in everything. whether it's about family, friends, work, neighbors, people, systems, or myself, i seem to alway find something wrong. i think i dwell on the negative too much that's why it bothers me a lot every time i think about it trying to analyze the situation. maybe i should learn to accept the fact that things could go wrong, and the best that i could do is deal with it in a very professional and tactful way.

in my previous blog, i wrote that i didn't like my new office. i dealt with the situation. big boss fixed it. hopefully now it's under control. someone else might get in trouble, but that definitely won't be me. in the first place, anything that's questionable should be questioned immediately. i'm glad i didn't let it linger for so long. i'm sure i might end up being the bad guy for saying something, but i would never let anyone push me to do something that i'm not comfortable doing. not anymore.

self-doubt erased

for a while, i thought there was something wrong with me when i couldn't sell much. i thought maybe my presentation skills were lacking or my close is horrible. turns out, i just didn't have the right tools.

all doubts have all but vanished about my ability to sell on a commission-only basis. as i have just started with my new company, the first 3 days out in the field i saw 9 sales come out of it. way to go! in a similar field just months ago, it took me almost 5 months just to squeeze 12 sales out of it, 2 of the sales being my own, and the rest were to friends.

i guess it does pay to invest in yourself. i invested so much time and energy listening to podcasts that are motivational and inspiring, most notably the sales gravy and zig ziglar podcasts. instead of listening to music when i drive to and from work or my appointments, i tune in to "automobile university" (as one podcast author referred to your own car as a tool for learning). i listen to the same ones over and over again so i can instill it in my head. it worked!

so now every time i have doubts about myself or my capabilities, all i need is to recall what's been said in those podcasts and apply it to my everyday situations.

on a different note...i don't like this new office very much either. i think it will be on my next blog. i'll explain further why since i have to go to the office and deal with it.

training day 2, etc

second day of training...still feeling good. did the script almost perfect some people were surprised. well i kind of had an advantage of course. i got the script about a week ago because i wanted to start studying the new company and i already had some experience before. now it's just a matter of applying it in real life!

heard some bad news today...one early morning and another some time in the afternoon. felt sad about it, angry a bit, but then again what can that do? nothing. so i'll just get over it but figure out a way to smooth things out.

i usually play volleyball with friends once a week. for the past couple of weeks though, it seems like our numbers are going down. we can't make a full team sometimes. i'm just hoping to get at least 3 players now on each side. that will be worth it for the exercise part of it i guess. :) played at some other venue with 2 other friends but we didn't get to play much. too many players today. felt bad coz my friend had to spot me today since i wasn't gonna go at all. i've already paid my fees at the other place so if i keep playing somewhere else, doesn't make sense to keep the other one. hopefully it will be better the next few weeks so i don't have to cancel my membership. it's fun to have a distraction at least for a few hours every week.

the big leap

training started today for my new company. their way is very simple...i come in everyday this week for about 2-3 hours and get acquainted with the company, their products and their processes. by next week, i should be ready to shadow a more experienced person and do some of my own sales as well.

i haven't told most of my friends and family yet about making this big leap. i want to make sure that this works out for me first before i try to offer it to them. i wouldn't want to sell anything to my friends and family only to leave them behind after a few months.

feeling a little sick today though. weather's been erratic lately. someone told me i have a bedroom voice today because of my colds. maybe that's a good thing? if it is, i should've started selling this week then...

looking back...only to learn from it

wow, it's been almost 3 years exactly since i wrote something here! i should do this more often so i know my state of thinking when i make decisions about something...so here i go...

...i hate it when i look back at what i've done in the past and blame everyone, including myself, for any failures that happened along the way. i always have to remind myself that i only look back so i can learn from past mistakes, in order to plan better for the future.

analyzing what happened in my life from the beginning of the year, i can see a lot of positives and negatives that came with it. one major decision that i had to do is quitting my current stable job for a not-so-stable commission only job. this had a major impact in my lifestyle this year so far.

why did i quit anyway? #1 reason...i don't like some of my co workers. i work hard (as i always do with every job i've had) but it seems like nothing is good enough for them. i get in trouble with every little thing that i do, or don't do. #2 reason...the job is so easy it's making my brain stagnate.

i thought i had made a good effort researching the companies where i was planning to work for. i interviewed with 2 good companies. ended up joining one that gives some allowance if i make some sales. apparently not the smartest move because the sales are not so easy to come by anyway. i kind of joined this company blindly based on its strength and stability. i should have researched further -- interviewed some people who works or have worked there, worked part time first to test the waters, asked questions.

what happened now?

well...i quit that too. since the sales are so hard to come by, i figured this company would be a better fit for someone who already has experience. i'm not the most pushy salesperson out there. i should've known better...i should've known that the way i've always done sales, is by providing service first. when you work for a company that expects sales right off the bat, there is no time to provide any service. you just go and sell. that's not me. so i quit. i wasn't about to stay on and see how it works while it drains my savings. i made the same mistake before and i'm not about to do it again.

so before quitting this one, i interviewed with 2 companies. one company, i interviewed 2 different people doing 2 different things. i liked the first person mainly because he seems like an easy person to work with, seems honest enough, answered a lot of my questions and he was cute. the second person i liked better though because she gave me a lot of information, both good and bad, about the company. she wants me to make an informed decision whichever way i end up. the second company was also good because they provide leads. it gives me a good head start. and my friend's dad works for this company and has been there for 20 something years. now that says something about a company. i was going to join this company before because i trust my friend more than any stranger. the only thing they don't provide is the allowance. but since they provide me with possible clients, it's worth more to me than the allowance. the good thing that came about me joining the big company first is that now, i have a little bit more experience about the business. and i was able to get an idea of how to market myself in case i run out of leads.

if this still doesn't work, then i don't think that i am for a commission only business. maybe i'll need to set up my own business or just be a career guy.