the feb 13 message exchange

this is the message he sent on feb 13, which i got to read on feb 14 evening...

"I know that you are disappointed in me and you have all right to be. I just really wanted to let you know that I really do like you A LOT, I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now.

Right now work has me crazy. This sleep schedule is really fucking me up and I cant give you the attention you deserve. I wish it were different.

But the biggest thing that has been driving me crazy is that i wasn't being honest with you and I hate myself for it. I should have started talking to you being 100% honest but someone told me that my situation would lure you away from talking to me. What situation you may ask? Well I broke up with my ex not too long ago... and the kicker is that now we are roomates. I tried to tell you before, but I knew that would be the end of us because.. well... I'm sure it wouldn't have been ok with you. No, me and the ex aren't just on a break.. it's been done for a long time. I just feel bad for him because I know that if i were to leave the house right now he would definitely lose the house because he can't afford it on his own. So im giving him 6 months to find roomates so I can leave. Unfortunately, I would probably leave C*** with him. Thats probably the saddest thing for me cuz I really love C***, but I can't bare splitting the brothers apart. ugh. =/

Anyway... I thought you deserved an explanation and the truth. I know you will probably hate me forever.. and I guess I have no one else to blame than myself... but if you can find it in your heart to keep me as a friend than I will be honored. I dont expect you to be there in the future, someone will scoop you up.. you're too good to pass up on.. (you have no idea)..but.. if not.. maybe in the future we can start fresh when my work/living situation improves? ugh.. im sad... and im sorry. =/"

my reply...

"it's good to hear from u at least i know ur not dead yet coz i told m***** u either better be dead or in the hospital before he can make me go to vegas for his bday.

i totally understand ur crazy schedule coz i've had a crazier one for 5 months and it drove me nuts. i just wished u really would've been honest from the start about everything. the roommate as ex's thing never would've bothered me. i dated several people before in that situation and i never thought anything of it.

when i told u that i love u, i did mean it. u might think it's crazy since we've never met. i didn't say it just because i first heard u say it, but because that's the truth. i said it coz if i die the next day without telling u, then that just sucks. but i don't give my love to just anyone. based on the personality that i got to know you from talking over the phone, i knowingly was taking 100% responsibility if things go south. i would've done a lot and sacrificed a lot for u if i just know exactly what i was getting myself into. i honestly think it would've been a great relationship to begin with coz we're already confronted with big struggles and we'll end up stronger in the end. but i totally understand y u would not be ready, coz im probably not ready myself. i don't think we can really prepare for that anyway.

when u left home when u were sick, i was already determined to really leave it just as friends that's y u never heard from me til today. i don't know if u noticed too that i deleted ur gay facebook but kept ur real one.

i really noticed a big change about u recently. and i honestly didn't like it. i think i would've been hurt more if i continued talking to u like nothing's wrong. i felt like i was a game, that after i told u i really like u too and that i love u, it was game over. and when u made me feel like u weren't ready for it, i really felt like it was a slap to my face that i gave u my heart and u threw it back to me saying u didn't want it. that's what hurt, and that's my truth.

i didnt say all this to make u feel bad. coz i really hope u dont. the situation sucks, but i know u didnt mean it to hurt me. if i dont get hurt, i cant appreciate being loved. so it's not that bad. and i'm really ok. :)

about being friends, let's just see where life takes us. i don't expect anything anymore from u but if u wanna keep in touch, u know how to reach me. i can't promise that i'll be here like before since i will be focusing on improving my situation as well. so take good care of urself and i'll see u next month some time."

his final reply...before the friendly text messages restarted...

"well.. if im being 100% honest.. when I said I loved you.. I meant it. However, it was bitter sweet... cuz.. you didn't know the truth about me and the ex... and i felt like I was misleading you.. and I didnt like it... I also didn't like that my schedule change (although temporary) is/was causing friction between us. Mainly on my part cuz it was effecting the way I was with you..and thats not cool with me. The fact that we have never met and I was already foreseeing us living together and having a kid with you scared me...lol.. you think I'm joking but I'm not... its just.. I've never talked to someone like you.. and its crazy how we clicked.

You've been on my mind a lot... I had a dream about you today infact. Today in particular.. I even had a dream about u. *sigh* I don't know why I'm even telling you this. =/ sorry.

ANYWAY, I'm sorry for putting you through this. I'm sorry I wasnt being truthful. I'm sorry for everything.. i honestly am. I wish we could just start over...but I know i fucked it up... and im sorry. =/

Although I doubt you will like me when we meet next month.. I hope I get to see you finally. You're one of a kind J***.. and you deserve the best.. never forget that."