mixed emotions

i'm a little excited and at the same time a little scared about finally meeting mr D tomorrow. he's been a little colder than i expected. i'm not quite sure if he's just shielding himself from the possibility that i might not like him in person. it's really a different vibe from what i've felt from his messages. i guess until u see someone in person, u can't let yourself go. both people could just end up getting hurt. what if i like mr D and he still likes me? how the hell are we gonna make it work?

grrr....i really should stop thinking about it and get it over with first. i'm going to be very busy soon starting monday when i start taking licensing classes. that's exactly what i'm gonna need to get over any anxiety over my "failed" relationship with mr D.

not to mention andy...he is starting to creep up into my life too. i heard from my friend that he really likes me. i met andy last saturday with all his friends at brunch. i'm not attracted to him at first sight. he seems too good of a man for me. i'm attracted to the bad boy types (but hopefully have good attitudes). i'd like for us to start off as friends so if it doesn't work out at all, no one will feel uncomfortable if we all hang out still.

alex...i kinda knew after he called me baby on the first few days of meeting that he's probably going to disappear just like ever other boy that called me that. i didn't even hear from him all day today until i messaged him. no good morning and no good night and no how you doin. and i thought i could fall for him if he kept up his sweet nothings. i won't fall for him unless he continues to do it. apparently, he's kinda over me though. i can feel it. and i feel nothing.

*sigh* maybe i'm just a heartless person incapable of loving (guys for relationships). could this be the consequence of being gay? *sigh sigh sigh* right now, i just wish that i'm straight. i'm sure there's problems too but not as much as being gay. no need for societal acceptance and all that crap.

okay, gotta finish packing.