the jigsaw puzzle is finally coming together

first the interview, then i passed my series 7 exam...and yesterday...i got the call that i got the job!

the good thing too is that the target start date is not until july 12. meaning, i can still go on my florida trip without feeling guilty about deutsche paying for the cancellation of my ticket. not to mention, i was going to pay him that money anyway someday even though he said not to worry about it. what a big sigh of relief! the last remaining piece of the puzzle is the series 66 exam that i scheduled for july 17 (a saturday! so i don't have to call in sick at the new job after all). if i pass it, then more doors will open for me as far as options.

i'm just really glad i didn't have to take my remaining savings out of my annuity...otherwise, i'll pay more taxes again and my commission for that sale will be reversed.

tue june 29 workout

swimming

120 total laps

200m free warm up
4x4x100 (1600 total) free, breast, back, fly
400m free swim
14x50 free sprint
4x25 free sprint no breathing

weights

shoulders

3 super sets behind the neck -- 45/40/35 lbs 6/8/10 reps side deltoid raise 17.5 lbs 10 reps
3 super sets overhead press -- 45/40/35 lbs 6/8/10 reps front deltoid raise 17.5 lbs 10 reps
3 sets shoulder shrug -- 45 lbs 10 reps

arms

triceps

3 sets rope pulldown 90/85/80 lbs 6/8/8 reps

biceps

3 sets bicep raise 80/75/70 6/8/10 reps

fri june 25 workout

swimming

120 total laps

4 500x200 alternate, free/choice
4x50 sprints, free

weights

chest/back (machines)

4 sets each, 2 workouts per body part

new technique - heaviest weight that i can do for 6 repetitions going to lightest weight increasing repetitions

tue june 22 workout

swimming

120 total laps

400m free warm up
6x200 choice/free alternate swim
8x100 4x100 free 4x100 choice
12x50 sprints

weights

biceps/triceps

3 mega sets, 2 tri/1 bi
3 sets tri pulldown
3 sets bi machine

shoulders

2 super sets behind the neck/side pull up
2 super sets overhead/front pull up

things are looking good so far

i had my interview yesterday at my friend's company. i believe it went pretty well. i did well on the 3 skills assessment tests that they had me perform on excel, typing and 10-key. on the face-to-face interview, the interviewer was more keen on looking for something more than a resume. she wants to make sure that whoever she hires will be able to adapt to the team as her team already has a good working relationship. so i hope i was able to convey good vibes to her as well.

on the other hand, i took my series 7 exam today and i passed with flying colors! the passing grade is 70% but i got 84%. not that it was easy. it was a very tough exam. not to mention it was so early in the morning too when i've gotten used to sleeping in. i'm just glad that all that studying that i did finally paid off. now i have one more exam to go.

seems like my options are ever expanding. with new opportunities showing themselves everyday, i'm happy that i can choose among a variety of paths to take. no more make or break for me at this time. merely passing these exams opens a whole new world for me with regards to job opportunities if my self-employment stint doesn't work out.

fun weekend with my girls

had a nice time at a straight club with my girls, considering that it is a straight club and it was the first time i hung out with some of them. it's funny how some of them thought i was straight and was hitting on me in the beginning...and even after they found out i was gay. i even invited deutsche's sister and she had tons of fun as well. she kept asking if i like her brother. i told her that i do like deutsche, but he needs to be extra patient with me as i'm still trying to fix my life first before i commit to anything. i don't want to be a burden to someone.

i'm looking forward to hanging out with the whole gang again, plus maybe a few more invitees. i want another drama-free fun!

on a different note

school...my 1st state exam is on tuesday. i think i'm ready. i've been getting high scores but still need a little bit more practice before the big day.

work...i had a phone interview last thursday from my friend's company. she's trying to get me in there even as a temp for a year. they scheduled a face-to-face interview on monday as well as a skills assessment test on excel and typing. i do hope i get this job. this will free up one of the thorns in my head at the moment.

vacation...if i do get the job, i will, unfortunately, cancel my florida vacation with deutsche. i feel really bad if i do have to cancel because he will have to pay $150 to redeposit his miles back into his account. to think that he was letting me use his miles in the first place makes it even worse. he says he understands, but i hope he really does. i mean well when i declined to move to florida even though i know he will support me. moving to florida is my final option, if things don't work out (say, if i fail my exams). if i move, i'll have to give up everything -- my credit will be ruined because i'm planning on just going to school and my family and friends support system. also, i don't think i can live taking money and support from someone i don't love yet. i'm not a gold digger and even though it might feel good to be taken care of, it's not me. lunch or dinner treats etc is okay but that's really as far as it would go. taking money is different. i don't want to owe anyone anything and i don't want to feel that someone owns me.

overall...things are still looking up. i guess at this point, there is no way for me but up. :)

friday june 18 workout

swimming

120 total laps

400m free warm up
6x200 choice/free alternate swim
8x100 4x100 free 4x100 choice
12x50 sprints

final closure

mr D did delete and block me from his gay facebook account that's y i can't see him on my list and i can't see his posts even with our common friends. i think it's better that way so i don't have to keep looking every now and then to see what he's up to coz that just hurts me more. as to his straight fb account, this time, i deleted and blocked him. at this point, i don't wanna have anything to do with him. i have to pretend he doesn't exist so i can focus on my more pressing issues right now. only by doing this will i be able to move on completely with my life and start my healing process.

hmm...weird or instant effect?

i sneaked a peak into mr D's fb profile just to see what's going on. i realized that he's been adding back all his old friends into his gay account and that he's more active now commenting on his friend's walls and his own postings. one thing that struck me almost immediately was what he said before about his online accounts and why he doesn't comment on my stuff. he told me that what we have is way more important than online. i bought it at the time. but now, honestly, i don't buy it. and i hate myself for getting suckered into believing that. how can someone not care about his social networking when he has a myspace, 2 facebook accounts, a twitter and a formspring?

so i posted something that only he can see on either one of his 2 facebook accounts. i said, "if i can turn back the clock, i wish that i never even met the one who thought will never let me go...his words are shot, my heart is broken and my life seems meaningless. i will love again someday. but for now, i have to believe that "it's better to have loved and lost, than not love at all." then i posted this song, "why do we always hurt the ones we love?"

i laid down for a bit...still had some lingering thoughts in my head...then decided to check just to see if he would comment (i doubt that he will coz he might think other people are looking into it). all of a sudden, my posting is gone! hmm...it was so weird how it would just disappear like that. now i think he deleted his profile for now (with facebook anyway, u can revive your profile and retain everything u had prior to deleting it). i looked at our common friends and his gay account is gone from our mutual friend list. so either he did that or facebook is having problems. we'll see tomorrow. if he did delete it, then my suspicion is right. he switched his mobile facebook to the gay account so he knows every single thing that goes on in the gay account and comment faster...either to spite me or whatever. wow...how much meaner can he get to me?

wed june 16 workout

3 hours of volleyball yesterday.

planning to workout tomorrow after watching my friends' game. i have to do my shoulders, legs and abs. maybe attend a class if there is one tomorrow...or should i say tonight.

tue june 15 workout

swimming

120 total laps

400 free warm up
4x200 SKiPS IM
4x200 swim, free/choice alternate
6x100 swim, free/choice alternate
8x50 sprints, free/choice alternate

weights

chest/back

3 exercises, 2 sets each

NB Ridaz - Lost In Love

listening to this song just makes me want to fall in love all over again, no matter how much hurt i've been through.

i feel like screaming today...

update

re: florida bound in june, june 11, 2010 post

deutsche's miles from delta can be used in july because it will be more expensive to use it in june. so...im going to florida july 3-10 instead.

when i pass my june 22 exam, i'll immediately schedule my other exam either before or after my florida vacation. i have to ask my manager how long the process will take once i pass both exams before i can get activated to start setting up my events and selling.

geting my body back

i wrote about "my gym-lemma" on february 17th. this is my update to that. (wow, it only took me so many months to figure this out. not a good way of doing things.)

i think i'm better off sticking to 24hr fitness for now until i have a job to pay for both memberships. the main advantage to 24hr fitness is that i can use the pool and their group classes. the main advantage to Fitness 19 is the distance to my house. with a shorter distance, i can go more often and save time driving around. plus it is a local gym so i can probably meet some local people to work out with or just chill.

i restarted my gym routine 2 days ago. i kicked it off with 2 hours of volleyball followed by 80 grueling laps of swimming in about an hour and a half. i was a little rusty swimming but yesterday when i did another 80 laps, i did it in about an hour, which is a very big improvement. i'd like to be able to swim about 120-160 laps every time i go -- that's about 3000m-4000m every time. i used to swim about 6000m everyday for about 2 years when i was training at this one swimming club back in the day.

to summarize...

day 1

2 hours of volleyball
80 laps of swimming

day 2

80 laps of swimming
weights lifting, focus on arms

hopefully, i can keep my gym routine to about 3 days a week at 24hr fitness doing swimming and lifting weights. the other 2-3 days, i can either walk around my neighborhood with my dog or run around my village (2 miles) or even run around 2 villages (for a total of 6 miles). aside from the gym routine, i'm also trying to get rid of white rice and other empty carbs. i bought brown rice the other day so i'm going to try to switch to brown rice from now on. if i have to eat empty carbs, it has to be before 6pm so my body will have time to burn through it.

No Walls, No Ceilings, No Floors (Orsa Lia)

this is deutsche's song for me...perfect words for the situation we are in...

florida bound in june

deutsche wants me to come to florida before he comes in july. i think he may be falling for me already...which is again, very dangerous because of my previous experiences with people falling for me so fast, then falling out of love even faster...leaving me alone again.

i think i'll do it the right way this time. being careful not to let myself completely go but at the same time showing respect for deutsche's feelings. i think i can fall for deutsche if he does the right things too. when i look at him, i can see myself being with him. he's not ugly, he's actually quite charming, very nice and loving (as i saw how he was with his family) and he's very generous. the generous thing i really couldn't care much for. sometimes it's even awkward for me to let someone pay all the time. but he knows my situation so i guess it's okay. but i told him i can't live like that. i need my own thing...my own career, my own money...just in case it doesn't work out again, i won't be left standing out in the cold with no money in my pocket and no job to call my own.

so...june 22...my first exam date for my series 7 state license...is my make or break point. if i pass it, i'll end up staying in cali. i'll need to pass one more exam, the series 66, in order to get hired at the financial planning company i'm thinking about joining. i'm also in the process of looking for a job in the meantime...and if i do get hired, i'll be part time first at the financial planning company while building my book of business. that way, when i start going full time, i can go with a bang! but if i can't get a job by then, i'll have to stick it out full time and make it work for me. deutsche may have to be extra patient with me because i'll have to stay in cali to finish what i started. i'll be in control of my time but i'll have to use it wisely. he can come visit here and i'll make time for him though. that's easier for me to do rather than pack up and go on a vacation to see him out in florida.

so we'll see what happens. in the meantime, i have to study really really hard to pass my series 7 exam. i can't be lazy. i have to make sure that i put in 100% effort into it. otherwise, it's going to be entirely my fault if things don't go as well.

goodbye for now

had to say goodbye to deutsche for now...will see him again some time in july when he comes for his birthday.

what i like about deutsche

first thing i noticed about him is that he looked exactly like his pictures. and that's always a good thing. i don't look like my pictures a lot of times. at first sight, he seems like a nice sweet guy. of course, i have to go way beyond first looks based on my previous experiences. so i've been observing him the past couple of days that we've been together. and i like what i see so far. *insert happy face here*

main pros...he's good looking, charming, sweet, honest (so far). he likes me, that i can tell. and it's more than words this time. his actions speak the loudest. he came here a month ahead of his scheduled july visit just to see me. 3000 miles away! it's the first time someone has done that for me. he has introduced me to his entire bay area family, and they like me so far as well. actually, he said they like me too much that they keep asking for me. he also knows how tight i am with money that he's been the only one spending money when we hang out. it's really not something that i'm very comfortable with because i'm not used to being treated all the time. but at the same time, i think he will feel rejected if i opt not to hang out only because i can't afford it. i guess he knows my situation enough so if he is willing to fill the gap for now, i have to just let him do it. hopefully my situation changes after i pass my state exams on the 22nd of this month and the next one after that.

main cons...or should i say, the only con, so far...i don't feel anything yet. i hope in time i will because he is someone i can fall for. i guess i am a broken man right now and i feel bad that he is inheriting me as such. the pro side of this con argument though is that i see hope. when we were driving back from monterey, i was looking at his hands on my leg as he was sleeping in the passenger side. and as i was driving with one hand, i was caressing his fingers. given enough time, there is potential that i can fall for him.

he leaves on wed but he will come back in july. he offered to fly me out to florida but i told him i can't stay too long if i go, maybe a week max. i hate the fact that my life is on hold right now and my decisions are dependent on the outcomes of my commitments here. i'm not sure if i would want to go at the expense of him not coming here to see his family. i dont want them to see me as their replacement for deutsche's attention. i would like to be a complement or an addition to his affection. that will keep his family from hating me coming into his life.

i want this to work. i'm trying to be as careful as i possibly can to make sure we do the right things. i don't want to rush anymore. rushing right now will hurt both of us, as i feel like i still have some leftover baggage...or garbage as deutsche calls it. if we can hold out for as long as we could with the only arrangement available for us (which is long distance), there is a great chance we can start our relationship on strong footing.

breakdown of events

june 3rd...touchdown at the airport. deutsche got picked up by his brother. i was hanging out with friends after watching the volleyball game.

june 4th...picked up deutsche at his brother's house and went for coffee first, then late lunch, then saw prince of persia and letters to juliet. after that, went to his sister's house and had dinner there and chit chats. stayed the night there too, it's our first night sleeping together.

june 5th...helped a friend of mine move during the day and hung out for a bit in the afternoon. went home then went to deutsche's other sister's house for another bbq. stayed for a bit then i took him home with me. just hung out at my house and slept for a looong time.

june 6th...had a huge breakfast at a local grill and dropped him off at his brother's. went home to see my mom for a bit. then my friend and i went to his brother's to pick up and go to santana row in san jose. his sister insisted we stay though so we did. just drank all night and chit chatted with everyone. interesting night, it turned out to be. took deutsche with me again to my house.

june 7th...got up around 8:30...got ready...then headed out for breakfast. then we drove to monterey just to walk around a bit. had lunch at a really nice restaurant overlooking the bay. didn't do much there. headed back up to san jose and chilled with some other friends at santana row and valley fair mall. dropped him off at his sister's house and i went home. i needed to rest and study tomorrow.

june 8th...the plan is simple tomorrow. i study during the day, then go to my training. he hangs out with his mom and his family. then i'll hang out with him and his family at night. he leaves the next day at 6am.

June 3, 2010 10:20pm touchdown

And deutsche arrives

HQ: "Miss You Like Crazy" by Eric Santos

just finished watching a romance movie with the same title as this song...cried a bit in the end. it's not the usual ending.

options, options

this has not been a very good year so far. my decision-making process has been very rash. if i analyze what's happened so far this year, hopefully it can help me get clarity on my future decisions from this point on.

dilemma #1.

• income situation as of the beginning of january
  

actionable solutions.

• interviewed with a mutual fund company
• interviewed with several banks

outcome.

• hold off on holding actual jobs
  

reason.

• possible big business venture, where clients from the venture can become clients of the mutual fund company
• mr D and the vegas move possibility
  

outcome of business venture.

• a flop, even possible scam

cost.

• 2 1/2 months worth of possible salary i could have made
• 2 1/2 months worth of study time i could have allocated
• my friend's expenses for marketing materials that were never used
  

my number one concern at the beginning of the year is having another source of income...in the form of a job, an independent contractor stint or a business venture. i went for an interview with a financial planning company some time in december-january. went 3 times to meet with the district manager and after the third meeting, i decided to hold off for a bit on doing it only because a friend had a business proposal that sounded promising. needless to say, i told my friend that i won't be looking for a job until we produce some sale out of our venture. the deal was, he would pay for all the marketing materials and i would take care of all the sales activities. however, i was a little skittish about the company we were dealing with. i did extensive research on the subject and found many inconsistencies. so we decided to wait for more proof of closed transactions before we even start marketing the program. i wanted to wait because my name and reputation is on the line. after about 2 months (some time in march), i decided to begin the process of joining the financial planning company since the venture was taking a longer time. went through all the background checks and passed with flying colors. around april, i enrolled in the classes and started the licensing process. good thing i did. the company we were going to deal with got shut down by the state. so the whole business venture is a possible scam.

new solution.

• started the hiring and licensing process mid-march

roadblocks.

• background check, cleared
• money owed to previous companies, paid

outcome.

• ordered all materials mid-april

i can't believe that hiring process took almost a month! that's one reason why i should've started in january if i knew it was going to take that long anyway. aaaarrrghhh!

follow up action

• begin studying, mid-april

roadblocks

• mr D
• friends
• house work
• need income in the mean time

outcome

• wasted 2 weeks in vegas, cutting study time
• getting more worried about the income situation
• 6 weeks passed and i think i need one more week to prepare for the exam

looking at this one, my supposed "fast-track" did not happen as fast as i could. i let mr D get the best of me. i was sort of depressed all the time, too depressed to study sometimes. now, i'm more focused on the end goal. i need to explore all options now.

option #1

• stay where i'm at

pros

• no rent
• only contribute $300 to cover groceries and incidental expenses
• emotional support from family

cons

• nothing

option #1a (in conjunction with option #1)

• find a job that pays at least $12 per hour and work part time at the mutual fund company to start building the business
  

pros

• will have sufficient income to pay all bills
• less emotional stress about running out of savings funds

cons

• might get stuck with the job
• might get burned out

option #1b (still in conjunction with option #1)

• finish the licensing exams asap

pros

• can get hired immediately, making $2000 a month with full benefits
• can focus more on getting business

cons

• still have a lot to learn
• still needs to build a pipeline of prospects to see

option #2

• go to nursing school in florida

pros

• fewer distractions from friends
• can finish on time, or earlier
• deutsche can help in providing guidance
  

cons

• far away from family and friends
• what will happen to my bills?

option #2a (in conjunction with option #2)

• apply for a job in florida first, get hired, then go to school at the same time

pros

• killing 2 birds with one stone, getting an education while paying the bills
• nursing can be my fall back when everything else fails

cons

• might get burned out

hmm...lots of options to choose from. i'll keep this updated and write what happened to those places i've applied at in california and florida. tomorrow i'll apply for jobs in florida.

june bug?

it's june 1st...almost half a year is gone and what have i accomplished? i'm at the point where i have to make a decision as to how i could move forward. i will try my very best to stay positive while weighing the pros and cons of my decisions. being objective is a good way for me to look back into this and see which direction i took.