i just changed my template. it looks brighter now. my old template looks dark and sad. i need to think happy thoughts as i mentioned earlier.
hopefully...this helps.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
am i ready to hit the scene again?
dejavu. a failed third relationship. what's next? a new boyfriend. then good times, bad times. and then another break up? when will the cycle end?
yesterday was not a good day at all. i was feeling under the weather all day. i had to ask dj a very important question, "how do you feel ever since we "got back together?" for this whole week, i largely ignored dj. i wanted to see what he would do to try to keep me and give me that push to love him back. nothing.
i figured i could not let this go on especially that i am eyeing another possibility. i would hate to put myself in a situation where i could cheat. i don't think i can forgive myself for that. and i don't know what i'll do if i get myself in that situation again.
dj ended it, by text. as tough and as tacky as it was to text a breakup, that is exactly what we did. i'm not sure if i could break up with dj in person. it would break my heart to see him cry again. but at the same time, i don't want to stay with him only because i feel sorry. that's not love. it's not fair for both of us that way. we both deserve better. i cried. i didn't think i would. but i was sad. i have gotten used to having dj around.
knox definitely is a consideration. but i think i have to hit the brakes and go as slow as possible. he wasn't as responsive yesterday as he was before. we usually would be sending messages back and forth right away. one message i sent it took a couple of hours of waiting and still no response. i finally sent a message to see if he's sleeping and i guess he's not. sent him another message right after...no response. it is too early to tell what he's up to...or vice versa for him. i know he's not feeling well too so that could be another reason. we're not committed in any way so i don't have any reason to complain. i just wished that he would have been more responsive yesterday because i needed to think happy thoughts. i'll just look forward to seeing him on sunday again. and some time this week to watch a show.
so what now?
the breakup is done. no turning back. i met knox. he's here to stay now i hope, at the very least, as a friend. i have to decide what i really want for my career. i have to go back to hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. i have to move soon. i want to take a vacation before starting a new job. i need to go back to church every sunday...going to church helps me think in solitude.
sigh.....
yesterday was not a good day at all. i was feeling under the weather all day. i had to ask dj a very important question, "how do you feel ever since we "got back together?" for this whole week, i largely ignored dj. i wanted to see what he would do to try to keep me and give me that push to love him back. nothing.
i figured i could not let this go on especially that i am eyeing another possibility. i would hate to put myself in a situation where i could cheat. i don't think i can forgive myself for that. and i don't know what i'll do if i get myself in that situation again.
dj ended it, by text. as tough and as tacky as it was to text a breakup, that is exactly what we did. i'm not sure if i could break up with dj in person. it would break my heart to see him cry again. but at the same time, i don't want to stay with him only because i feel sorry. that's not love. it's not fair for both of us that way. we both deserve better. i cried. i didn't think i would. but i was sad. i have gotten used to having dj around.
knox definitely is a consideration. but i think i have to hit the brakes and go as slow as possible. he wasn't as responsive yesterday as he was before. we usually would be sending messages back and forth right away. one message i sent it took a couple of hours of waiting and still no response. i finally sent a message to see if he's sleeping and i guess he's not. sent him another message right after...no response. it is too early to tell what he's up to...or vice versa for him. i know he's not feeling well too so that could be another reason. we're not committed in any way so i don't have any reason to complain. i just wished that he would have been more responsive yesterday because i needed to think happy thoughts. i'll just look forward to seeing him on sunday again. and some time this week to watch a show.
so what now?
the breakup is done. no turning back. i met knox. he's here to stay now i hope, at the very least, as a friend. i have to decide what i really want for my career. i have to go back to hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. i have to move soon. i want to take a vacation before starting a new job. i need to go back to church every sunday...going to church helps me think in solitude.
sigh.....
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
getting closer to my move back home
i left home for 2 reasons. #1 reason, i want to start feeling independent. #2, i want to avoid fights or arguments with my family.
technically, i've always lived with my family. it's been comfortable. not that anyone does anything special for me, but i'm comfortable with the people around me. i know my family very well and they know me...or at least they know many things about me. somehow though, being around family still gives me that feeling that i am not in full control of my life...that any minute, my family can come into the picture and make my decisions for me. i wanted to get out of that situation and try something different. the arguments are also starting to become more frequent. i love my family and i thought it would be best that we don't see each other much so we can live our own lives with no one watching over our shoulders.
however, with the economy in recession, i think it is a wise decision to come back home. for now, at least. my family is not charging me rent to stay with them which will help me conserve my savings. all i have to contribute would be groceries. i have my own room, and almost my own bathroom. i know that my family's way of living sometimes do not conform to my standards. in simple words, they are not as clean as i am. dishes pile up. the stove is not cleaned after it's been used. the carpet is not vacuumed as often. not having a job right now, i can help them clean up as much as i could. and hopefully, some of my ways could rub off on them. i'm looking at being here for maybe 4-6 months, depends on when i get a job.
and when i do get a job, i'm hoping to either work closer to the city. that way, if things work out betwen knox and i, it won't be too much of a hastle to see each other. i know i'm thinking way forward too, but if things do work out, maybe knox and i could share an apartment. it will benefit him because he will save money. it will benefit the relationship because we get to spend more time together. it will benefit me because it will make me feel independent from my family again.
technically, i've always lived with my family. it's been comfortable. not that anyone does anything special for me, but i'm comfortable with the people around me. i know my family very well and they know me...or at least they know many things about me. somehow though, being around family still gives me that feeling that i am not in full control of my life...that any minute, my family can come into the picture and make my decisions for me. i wanted to get out of that situation and try something different. the arguments are also starting to become more frequent. i love my family and i thought it would be best that we don't see each other much so we can live our own lives with no one watching over our shoulders.
however, with the economy in recession, i think it is a wise decision to come back home. for now, at least. my family is not charging me rent to stay with them which will help me conserve my savings. all i have to contribute would be groceries. i have my own room, and almost my own bathroom. i know that my family's way of living sometimes do not conform to my standards. in simple words, they are not as clean as i am. dishes pile up. the stove is not cleaned after it's been used. the carpet is not vacuumed as often. not having a job right now, i can help them clean up as much as i could. and hopefully, some of my ways could rub off on them. i'm looking at being here for maybe 4-6 months, depends on when i get a job.
and when i do get a job, i'm hoping to either work closer to the city. that way, if things work out betwen knox and i, it won't be too much of a hastle to see each other. i know i'm thinking way forward too, but if things do work out, maybe knox and i could share an apartment. it will benefit him because he will save money. it will benefit the relationship because we get to spend more time together. it will benefit me because it will make me feel independent from my family again.
first lunch, then a movie
my anxiety came to a stop when knox tapped me on my shoulder. he came up from behind me as i was standing outside a store at the mall. he looked almost exactly like his pictures -- tall, sexy, a little rough looking. i wasn't quite sure if the chemistry was there right away. i was so shy i could hardly look him in the eye.
we only had an hour to chill. we went downstairs to the food court to grab something to eat. as i paid for my stuff, i noticed this Godiva chocolate pearl that they had on display (for impulse buyers like me). i grabbed one, not for me, but for knox. he mentioned that he does have a sweet tooth.
lunch was casual. we just chatted our hearts out while eating. i was having soup and avocado rolls. i should've just bought the soup so i had time to talk instead of chewing the whole time. few more bites...and then it's time to go. i guess time flies when you're having fun.
i walked him back to his work and said our goodbyes. we didn't set any future date to meet again. i guess, if we were gonna start as friends, setting future meet ups won't really matter as we're only a text message/phone call away from each other. we gave each other a nice tight hug and i slid the chocolate in his pocket. i told him that'll keep him occupied when he's bored at work.
i walked back to the store. i just walked around for a bit before going home. i almost got sold a teeth whitening package too. i wasn't sure if he was glad to have met me coz he hasn't sent a message yet. usually, people would have sent a message saying, "it was nice to meet you today." or something like that. i sent him a message. no response. i wasn't tripping or anything since it's only our first meeting. but he did response later on. maybe he was just busy or something.
the usual happened as i was travelling back to my house. we would be messaging each other again back and forth. i guess sometimes, my messages are starting to be a bit more forthcoming than before -- giving him compliments and saying nicer things about him. and then the big question came..."when are we meeting up again?" i asked if thursday or friday would be good. he agreed to thursday. we're going to have dinner/light snacks and watch a movie.
that's tomorrow. i'm still with dj...technically. i'm trying to find the right words to let him go without hurting him too much. but i guess no matter how i try, it will still hurt him. it is best to do it sooner than later coz i really haven't seen enough effort on his part anyway. i have not talked to dj for about 3 days now, only text messages. for a boyfriend, that seems kind of unusual, like we're so detached from each other now. i hope he would take me as a friend still. i still care for him and i would still want to be there for him if he needs help. he's still a young man and has not had too many challenges in life yet other than maybe a school final he hasn't fully prepared for. the least i can do is be some sort of a leader for him, since i happen to have experienced so much in life that it pays for people to learn from my experiences.
i think i should do it tomorrow, before i meet up with knox. so that way, i won't feel guilty that i'm hiding something from both of them.
we only had an hour to chill. we went downstairs to the food court to grab something to eat. as i paid for my stuff, i noticed this Godiva chocolate pearl that they had on display (for impulse buyers like me). i grabbed one, not for me, but for knox. he mentioned that he does have a sweet tooth.
lunch was casual. we just chatted our hearts out while eating. i was having soup and avocado rolls. i should've just bought the soup so i had time to talk instead of chewing the whole time. few more bites...and then it's time to go. i guess time flies when you're having fun.
i walked him back to his work and said our goodbyes. we didn't set any future date to meet again. i guess, if we were gonna start as friends, setting future meet ups won't really matter as we're only a text message/phone call away from each other. we gave each other a nice tight hug and i slid the chocolate in his pocket. i told him that'll keep him occupied when he's bored at work.
i walked back to the store. i just walked around for a bit before going home. i almost got sold a teeth whitening package too. i wasn't sure if he was glad to have met me coz he hasn't sent a message yet. usually, people would have sent a message saying, "it was nice to meet you today." or something like that. i sent him a message. no response. i wasn't tripping or anything since it's only our first meeting. but he did response later on. maybe he was just busy or something.
the usual happened as i was travelling back to my house. we would be messaging each other again back and forth. i guess sometimes, my messages are starting to be a bit more forthcoming than before -- giving him compliments and saying nicer things about him. and then the big question came..."when are we meeting up again?" i asked if thursday or friday would be good. he agreed to thursday. we're going to have dinner/light snacks and watch a movie.
that's tomorrow. i'm still with dj...technically. i'm trying to find the right words to let him go without hurting him too much. but i guess no matter how i try, it will still hurt him. it is best to do it sooner than later coz i really haven't seen enough effort on his part anyway. i have not talked to dj for about 3 days now, only text messages. for a boyfriend, that seems kind of unusual, like we're so detached from each other now. i hope he would take me as a friend still. i still care for him and i would still want to be there for him if he needs help. he's still a young man and has not had too many challenges in life yet other than maybe a school final he hasn't fully prepared for. the least i can do is be some sort of a leader for him, since i happen to have experienced so much in life that it pays for people to learn from my experiences.
i think i should do it tomorrow, before i meet up with knox. so that way, i won't feel guilty that i'm hiding something from both of them.
Monday, December 07, 2009
from my not so distant past to my present
from my previous blog, one of the people i sent a hello message to was this guy (we'll call him knox for now) that i met a few months before i started talking to my current boyfriend (we'll call him dj). i met knox online when he was still in a relationship. i was looking for a friend/relationship, he was looking for friendship. he just moved to the area. i remember that we talked for almost 3 hours online about random things, not mentioning once that i found him very attractive (to respect his relationship).
a few months later, knox broke up with his boyfriend. at the same time, i started talking to dj because knox and i weren't really talking much after our chat. one day i think in one of our random conversations, i mentioned something about the breakup that knox didn't like. and he didn't respond. i thought he got upset but i didn't care much if he did because i was too caught up with dj now. then dj and i got together and totally forgot about knox.
from that point on til 8 months later, a lot of things happened in my life. i quit my job to start a new one. that didn't work out so i quit that and started another one. the work hours (plus a host of other problems i discussed in previous blogs) weren't working for me so i quit that one too. then the breakup happened. sent knox a hello message and he responded. i guess he still remembers me somehow, or he was just being polite, who knows.
dj and i have gotten back together since that hello message. knox and i also have gotten back in touch again. reminiscent of our prior 3 hour long online chat, we have exchanged approximately 700+ random messages. we have talked about a variety of different things, from travelling and family to boys and made up stories. the conversation seem more open now between knox and i. i did confirm that he is still single. and we are meeting for lunch tomorrow.
a big question hangs above my head...is it possible to fall for someone after only 5 days of random messaging? right now, it is only a question. i know that knox is very attractive and totally my type. i still have to get to know him as a person to see if we can even get along as friends. i have to admit...i do get excited every time i receive a message from him. if he does ask about me, i will tell him the truth that i am in relationship again, though shaky now after the breakup. i guess my approach to knox will be that of friendship. i think that will be the best way for him to open up to me, and me to him.
who am i kidding? is this my way of testing the waters? was i using my personal problems as an excuse as to why i still haven't felt love for dj? should i let him go? i was going to wait til after the holidays because it might seem cruel to break up before Christmas. but at the same time, is it more cruel to wait til after Christmas if i know that i feel no love for dj? i mean, i did ask him to do things i might like and he voluntarily took the risk of me not reciprocating still. is it fair for knox if i would hold back now?
i'll have to wait til i see knox tomorrow. if the energy is there, i think it would be prudent and wise to let dj go. almost a year has passed and i don't think i should waste any more time if knox could be the one i was waiting for all this time. it might be worth it for me to take a risk with knox and at the same time, keep the friendship with dj. i've seen too many happy endings. I think it's time for me to make my own.
a few months later, knox broke up with his boyfriend. at the same time, i started talking to dj because knox and i weren't really talking much after our chat. one day i think in one of our random conversations, i mentioned something about the breakup that knox didn't like. and he didn't respond. i thought he got upset but i didn't care much if he did because i was too caught up with dj now. then dj and i got together and totally forgot about knox.
from that point on til 8 months later, a lot of things happened in my life. i quit my job to start a new one. that didn't work out so i quit that and started another one. the work hours (plus a host of other problems i discussed in previous blogs) weren't working for me so i quit that one too. then the breakup happened. sent knox a hello message and he responded. i guess he still remembers me somehow, or he was just being polite, who knows.
dj and i have gotten back together since that hello message. knox and i also have gotten back in touch again. reminiscent of our prior 3 hour long online chat, we have exchanged approximately 700+ random messages. we have talked about a variety of different things, from travelling and family to boys and made up stories. the conversation seem more open now between knox and i. i did confirm that he is still single. and we are meeting for lunch tomorrow.
a big question hangs above my head...is it possible to fall for someone after only 5 days of random messaging? right now, it is only a question. i know that knox is very attractive and totally my type. i still have to get to know him as a person to see if we can even get along as friends. i have to admit...i do get excited every time i receive a message from him. if he does ask about me, i will tell him the truth that i am in relationship again, though shaky now after the breakup. i guess my approach to knox will be that of friendship. i think that will be the best way for him to open up to me, and me to him.
who am i kidding? is this my way of testing the waters? was i using my personal problems as an excuse as to why i still haven't felt love for dj? should i let him go? i was going to wait til after the holidays because it might seem cruel to break up before Christmas. but at the same time, is it more cruel to wait til after Christmas if i know that i feel no love for dj? i mean, i did ask him to do things i might like and he voluntarily took the risk of me not reciprocating still. is it fair for knox if i would hold back now?
i'll have to wait til i see knox tomorrow. if the energy is there, i think it would be prudent and wise to let dj go. almost a year has passed and i don't think i should waste any more time if knox could be the one i was waiting for all this time. it might be worth it for me to take a risk with knox and at the same time, keep the friendship with dj. i've seen too many happy endings. I think it's time for me to make my own.
between nov 18 and now
wow...lots of things happened in that time that i was gone away from the blogging world. the main event that rocked my world (in a not so good way) is the breakup a week ago.
i think i saw it coming. i mentioned in my nov 5th blog that i wasn't sure if i love my boy yet or not. i guess he kind of sees it the same way. he's unsure if he should stay in a relationship where he is not loved. i can't blame him. i don't think i would want that either. the catalyst that brought upon the breakup is really a minor event. that morning, i went off for an event and he used my computer, which was available for him to use anyway. he knows the password. i guess he went through my pictures album by album. he saw a couple of pictures of other men in one of my random albums. he asked me later on who they were and i told him. those were just pictures that i've kept from past emails and i was starting to delete the emails but kept the pictures. i never hooked up with any of those people and i have no plan on hooking up even later down the road. he might be uncomfortable with me having those pictures but i told him that i could delete them but what would stop me from looking at other pictures after that day? we were going back and forth on the phone about that. finally he said he's done. so i said fine...and hung up. and that was it...i thought. i guess we really did break up. sadness and guilt filled my heart. at the same time, relief. i guess i was relieved that we ended our relationship not because of a third person, but because it wasn't working out. somehow i felt okay about it. at least i don't have to trouble him with all my worries about my personal life anymore. i thought maybe now i can focus on my life.
the next day, i sent him a message of apology. i apologized for being harsh at times. it's not fair for him that i was harsh. he just happened to be there whenever i was having a bad day. it was no excuse for my behavior. i just wished that he would not be mad at me forever. at the same time, it's not fair for him to stay in a relationship where he is not loved.
the response i got was also part apology, part closure. he apologized for going through my stuff. he really shouldn't have because i trusted him with all my information and personal documents. he also wished that i reciprocated the love that he felt for me. but now he knows there's probably someone better for him out there. i read the message but i didn't respond anymore. i didn't know how to.
that same day, i was driving around to do some important errands. on my way to my destination, he called me but i didn't pick it up. he sent me a couple of messages. he asked if we could talk in person. i agreed. i told him i'd be back shortly and he could meet me at my house. time passed, and i made my way home and he came. i asked what he wanted to talk about. i wasn't quite sure what he wanted since we had already broken up. this was the conversation that ensued.
him: i was mad. i never meant to break up. i never wanted it to end. did u want it to end?
me: i was comfortable with our situation.
him: you already know that i love you. would you like to reach that point where you would love me?
me: yes, who would not want to love and be loved.
i explained to him that although he felt that he loved me, he was too careful to show it. on my part, i didn't love him yet so i could not possibly show anything for it. i told him that he could be more honest with his feelings by saying exactly how he feels, and showing me that he does love me. hopefully, this will help me get to where he's at. he should be doing things that i like...random things that he thinks might seem sweet (and corny at times). i, for one, loves it when someone sings to me. i like surprises. i don't mind being given red roses (as long as it's at my house). i like random notes left on my car, my books, my computer. and maybe i like a whole bunch of other stuff.
him: is it worth it for me to do all that?
me: it's the risk you'll have to take.
him: then, i'd like to take that risk. are we done now?
so, we're back together again...for now at least. i am comfortable with our situation, no doubt.
in that short time that i really thought our relationship was over, when i thought i was single again, i happened to go through my phone list and sent random messages to people i have met in the past that i thought i would like to be friends with again. i'll have to blog about it in another article because this is getting too long i might even get bored reading it myself.
i think i saw it coming. i mentioned in my nov 5th blog that i wasn't sure if i love my boy yet or not. i guess he kind of sees it the same way. he's unsure if he should stay in a relationship where he is not loved. i can't blame him. i don't think i would want that either. the catalyst that brought upon the breakup is really a minor event. that morning, i went off for an event and he used my computer, which was available for him to use anyway. he knows the password. i guess he went through my pictures album by album. he saw a couple of pictures of other men in one of my random albums. he asked me later on who they were and i told him. those were just pictures that i've kept from past emails and i was starting to delete the emails but kept the pictures. i never hooked up with any of those people and i have no plan on hooking up even later down the road. he might be uncomfortable with me having those pictures but i told him that i could delete them but what would stop me from looking at other pictures after that day? we were going back and forth on the phone about that. finally he said he's done. so i said fine...and hung up. and that was it...i thought. i guess we really did break up. sadness and guilt filled my heart. at the same time, relief. i guess i was relieved that we ended our relationship not because of a third person, but because it wasn't working out. somehow i felt okay about it. at least i don't have to trouble him with all my worries about my personal life anymore. i thought maybe now i can focus on my life.
the next day, i sent him a message of apology. i apologized for being harsh at times. it's not fair for him that i was harsh. he just happened to be there whenever i was having a bad day. it was no excuse for my behavior. i just wished that he would not be mad at me forever. at the same time, it's not fair for him to stay in a relationship where he is not loved.
the response i got was also part apology, part closure. he apologized for going through my stuff. he really shouldn't have because i trusted him with all my information and personal documents. he also wished that i reciprocated the love that he felt for me. but now he knows there's probably someone better for him out there. i read the message but i didn't respond anymore. i didn't know how to.
that same day, i was driving around to do some important errands. on my way to my destination, he called me but i didn't pick it up. he sent me a couple of messages. he asked if we could talk in person. i agreed. i told him i'd be back shortly and he could meet me at my house. time passed, and i made my way home and he came. i asked what he wanted to talk about. i wasn't quite sure what he wanted since we had already broken up. this was the conversation that ensued.
him: i was mad. i never meant to break up. i never wanted it to end. did u want it to end?
me: i was comfortable with our situation.
him: you already know that i love you. would you like to reach that point where you would love me?
me: yes, who would not want to love and be loved.
i explained to him that although he felt that he loved me, he was too careful to show it. on my part, i didn't love him yet so i could not possibly show anything for it. i told him that he could be more honest with his feelings by saying exactly how he feels, and showing me that he does love me. hopefully, this will help me get to where he's at. he should be doing things that i like...random things that he thinks might seem sweet (and corny at times). i, for one, loves it when someone sings to me. i like surprises. i don't mind being given red roses (as long as it's at my house). i like random notes left on my car, my books, my computer. and maybe i like a whole bunch of other stuff.
him: is it worth it for me to do all that?
me: it's the risk you'll have to take.
him: then, i'd like to take that risk. are we done now?
so, we're back together again...for now at least. i am comfortable with our situation, no doubt.
in that short time that i really thought our relationship was over, when i thought i was single again, i happened to go through my phone list and sent random messages to people i have met in the past that i thought i would like to be friends with again. i'll have to blog about it in another article because this is getting too long i might even get bored reading it myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
