am i ready to hit the scene again?

dejavu. a failed third relationship. what's next? a new boyfriend. then good times, bad times. and then another break up? when will the cycle end?

yesterday was not a good day at all. i was feeling under the weather all day. i had to ask dj a very important question, "how do you feel ever since we "got back together?" for this whole week, i largely ignored dj. i wanted to see what he would do to try to keep me and give me that push to love him back. nothing.

i figured i could not let this go on especially that i am eyeing another possibility. i would hate to put myself in a situation where i could cheat. i don't think i can forgive myself for that. and i don't know what i'll do if i get myself in that situation again.

dj ended it, by text. as tough and as tacky as it was to text a breakup, that is exactly what we did. i'm not sure if i could break up with dj in person. it would break my heart to see him cry again. but at the same time, i don't want to stay with him only because i feel sorry. that's not love. it's not fair for both of us that way. we both deserve better. i cried. i didn't think i would. but i was sad. i have gotten used to having dj around.

knox definitely is a consideration. but i think i have to hit the brakes and go as slow as possible. he wasn't as responsive yesterday as he was before. we usually would be sending messages back and forth right away. one message i sent it took a couple of hours of waiting and still no response. i finally sent a message to see if he's sleeping and i guess he's not. sent him another message right after...no response. it is too early to tell what he's up to...or vice versa for him. i know he's not feeling well too so that could be another reason. we're not committed in any way so i don't have any reason to complain. i just wished that he would have been more responsive yesterday because i needed to think happy thoughts. i'll just look forward to seeing him on sunday again. and some time this week to watch a show.

so what now?

the breakup is done. no turning back. i met knox. he's here to stay now i hope, at the very least, as a friend. i have to decide what i really want for my career. i have to go back to hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. i have to move soon. i want to take a vacation before starting a new job. i need to go back to church every sunday...going to church helps me think in solitude.

sigh.....