hoping for a real life latter days experience

in my previous blog, i briefly commented on how i liked the storyline of the movie latter days. i guess it is my fervent wish that someday, i could fall in love against all odds. with the economy in shambles and recession still an ongoing concern, now is a very challenging time for me. but i'm still hoping that the latter days experience will come, somehow.

i'm hoping for it to come, but i doubt that it will. i've been with my partner for about 9 months now. nothing major has changed. we're still together, doing the same things. we both haven't said the magic words yet. i tried to extract it from him several times but he won't budge. in reality, i know that he does love me. the question is, do i love him? or am i just using him as a partner-for-now?

we just hung up the phone after about a 3-hour talk. lots of dead air in that 3 hours. i didn't know how to say certain things. i want to make sure i don't hurt him in any way. his first question was, "if we do end things today, would it hurt me?" my answer...of course it would! next question was, "would it make me cry?" absolutely! i was getting teary eyed as i tried to recall my actions that showed i do care about him, maybe even love him. i'm not a lovey-dovey kind of person so it probably didn't seem to show as much on the phone as he was expecting it to be. i can't blame him though. i'm not so sure myself if i do love him yet or not.

i think there's a lot of things going on in my life that causes me to focus on putting them in order first before my relationship. my priority is to make sure that i can sustain myself financially. with this financial security in place, i would be able to focus more on spending more time with my partner to get to know him more by doing different activities other than the ones we do now (watching movies, eating out, hanging out at home, hanging out with friends, to name a few).

i can honestly say that i do like him a lot otherwise i would not have stayed this long with him. but the latter days feeling? not quite there yet. if he's willing to wait, i'm willing to hang on. but being a sensitive person as he is, he might not want to go through such an uncertainty.