between nov 18 and now

wow...lots of things happened in that time that i was gone away from the blogging world. the main event that rocked my world (in a not so good way) is the breakup a week ago.

i think i saw it coming. i mentioned in my nov 5th blog that i wasn't sure if i love my boy yet or not. i guess he kind of sees it the same way. he's unsure if he should stay in a relationship where he is not loved. i can't blame him. i don't think i would want that either. the catalyst that brought upon the breakup is really a minor event. that morning, i went off for an event and he used my computer, which was available for him to use anyway. he knows the password. i guess he went through my pictures album by album. he saw a couple of pictures of other men in one of my random albums. he asked me later on who they were and i told him. those were just pictures that i've kept from past emails and i was starting to delete the emails but kept the pictures. i never hooked up with any of those people and i have no plan on hooking up even later down the road. he might be uncomfortable with me having those pictures but i told him that i could delete them but what would stop me from looking at other pictures after that day? we were going back and forth on the phone about that. finally he said he's done. so i said fine...and hung up. and that was it...i thought. i guess we really did break up. sadness and guilt filled my heart. at the same time, relief. i guess i was relieved that we ended our relationship not because of a third person, but because it wasn't working out. somehow i felt okay about it. at least i don't have to trouble him with all my worries about my personal life anymore. i thought maybe now i can focus on my life.

the next day, i sent him a message of apology. i apologized for being harsh at times. it's not fair for him that i was harsh. he just happened to be there whenever i was having a bad day. it was no excuse for my behavior. i just wished that he would not be mad at me forever. at the same time, it's not fair for him to stay in a relationship where he is not loved.

the response i got was also part apology, part closure. he apologized for going through my stuff. he really shouldn't have because i trusted him with all my information and personal documents. he also wished that i reciprocated the love that he felt for me. but now he knows there's probably someone better for him out there. i read the message but i didn't respond anymore. i didn't know how to.

that same day, i was driving around to do some important errands. on my way to my destination, he called me but i didn't pick it up. he sent me a couple of messages. he asked if we could talk in person. i agreed. i told him i'd be back shortly and he could meet me at my house. time passed, and i made my way home and he came. i asked what he wanted to talk about. i wasn't quite sure what he wanted since we had already broken up. this was the conversation that ensued.

him: i was mad. i never meant to break up. i never wanted it to end. did u want it to end?
me: i was comfortable with our situation.
him: you already know that i love you. would you like to reach that point where you would love me?
me: yes, who would not want to love and be loved.

i explained to him that although he felt that he loved me, he was too careful to show it. on my part, i didn't love him yet so i could not possibly show anything for it. i told him that he could be more honest with his feelings by saying exactly how he feels, and showing me that he does love me. hopefully, this will help me get to where he's at. he should be doing things that i like...random things that he thinks might seem sweet (and corny at times). i, for one, loves it when someone sings to me. i like surprises. i don't mind being given red roses (as long as it's at my house). i like random notes left on my car, my books, my computer. and maybe i like a whole bunch of other stuff.

him: is it worth it for me to do all that?
me: it's the risk you'll have to take.
him: then, i'd like to take that risk. are we done now?

so, we're back together again...for now at least. i am comfortable with our situation, no doubt.

in that short time that i really thought our relationship was over, when i thought i was single again, i happened to go through my phone list and sent random messages to people i have met in the past that i thought i would like to be friends with again. i'll have to blog about it in another article because this is getting too long i might even get bored reading it myself.