"i feel weird"

after playing the "let's just be friends" card to make sure i don't get hurt again like before, the only 3 words that i texted mr D to get us start talking on something was "i feel weird". just like that. the very literal meaning of those words is how i felt exactly at the time.

it is weird, maybe even impossible, for me to treat someone as just a friend when only a few days before that we were feeling a deep connection to each other. so somehow, i had to jump start the conversation. i just want to know for my own personal satisfaction what i did wrong (if any).

i'm glad i brought it up.

i guess mr D has been under a lot of pressure lately about a lot of things -- work, diet, $$ -- and it was overwhelming him. add to that the pressure coming from me that every time he hangs out with his friends, i feel like i'm being ignored. all i wanted to know was if it was too much to ask that i'd rather have him not message me at all when he's with his friends so that way i don't expect him to finish a conversation that started over text. in my mind, i can compromise a lot as long as i know what i'm compromising to. in his defense, i think his biggest mistake is not ignoring my feelings, but rather not opening up to me about his situation. i told him that if he doesn't let me in, i won't be able to understand. so he said he'll try to be more open. and i told him that by him opening up, we can start being friends (which after dating for some time, we really ought to be each other's best friend).

i felt better that night. i was on my way to a party and i brought some romantic cd's with me that i was going to listen to on my way there. i guess it was supposed to make me sad or something...i don't know. i didn't have to play it after that. i hope he felt better too.